Overdue post

Yes I have returned for a MUCH overdue post. I feel so bad that I have neglected this blog and all my blogger friends, but sometimes you have to prioritize and these past few months have unfortunately put this blog on the backburner.

But here I am, finally married and with things settled down, I can get back into this again. There is no way I can really sum up the past 2 months as they have been so wonderful. Despite closing out the biggest project I receive all year that happened to coincide exactly with my wedding and being crazy busy, I was able to manage things including my weight and having gotten through it all, I am definitely a bit sad that its all over.

I think last time I posted was prior to my bridal shower, which was such a wonderful day. Since that time I also had my bachelorette party which was amazing. We started the day off getting pinup pictures done which is something I am SO glad that I did. I was nervous to be posing in pinup poses, and I also opted to do a stripdown, which is another way to say that I took my top off although nothing is actually shown. I figured, why not go for it because when am I ever going to look this good or feel this good about myself? After getting the pictures back, I was so happy that I did it because years from now I can look back on those pictures and know that all my hard work at losing weight paid off and that I do love myself just as I am. Not to mention that pinups were never all that skinny so its a nice way to appreciate curves.

Me and my then fiance

My and my bridesmaids at the shower

Me, still dolled up in hair and makup from the pinup shoot

Me and 3/4ths of my bridesmaids

One of the pictures from shoot - my husband and I love our hockey, hence the jersey

And then there was the wedding. It was such an incredible day that nothing will ever top. Things turned out just as I had always dreamed they would. Sure we had a few minor things happen that werent ideal, but nothing that ruined the day at all. It was such an amazing moment to finally be married to my husband who I have been with for 10 yrs, and I have never felt as beautiful as I did that day or as special. At the reception when we entered the room and everyone stood and clapped for us - there are no words to explain how overwhelmed and happy that I felt. I have never felt more beautiful in my life. Not that I only lost weight for the wedding, but I am so glad that I got to where I am now because I look at my pictures and love how I look and I was always afraid when I was 226 pounds that this day would come and I would look back and wish I was thinner. Now I just cant wait to get the real pictures from the photographer, these are just some that other people took which is why we are never looking at the camera.

Just leaving the church

We went to the forest preserve for fall pictures - this is with our matron of honor and best man

Walking hand in hand

Shot of the whole party

Cake time, and yes I did eat the cake (it was delicious)

We took a "mini" honeymoon to Door County, WI which is so beautiful this time of year and it was a perfect getaway. The place we stayed at had a really nice whirlpool in our room and since it was so cold all the way up north, it felt so relaxing and nice to just stay in and hang out in the whirlpool. Our real honeymoon will be to Hawaii next year so I do still have an incentive to keep up the weight loss so that I look great in a bathing suit.

Me at Cana Island Lighthouse overlooking Lake Michigan

So life from here - just focusing on continuing to eat right and work out. I definitely enjoyed myself the past few weeks and wasnt so worried about food so I know that I have put on a few pounds, but I have just jumped back into my routine and I know they are already coming off. I do have a new lowest weight though which I reached 2 weeks prior to the wedding - 143. I was running around like a crazy person so I am sure that it was mostly due to stress and usually I have been hanging out around 144 but it was nice to see a new low again. Hopefully entering the holiday season I can maintain where I am at. And I promise to catch up with all of you on your blogs and hope you have all been doing great.

Its been a while

I cant believe how long its been since I have posted! These last few weeks have been SO busy. I am sorry for being a bad blogger and a bad reader. Juggling work and a wedding is way more time consuming that I could ever have imagined. Fortunately, my business is mostly due to fun things so I cant complain.

I can happily post that my weight is 144.8 so at least these few weeks havent been spent eating off track. I have attended a few parties and dinners out, but I have kept myself in check and have planned ahead, looked at calories online, and did the best that I could. My wedding dress is a huge motivation to keep my weight at this point so that is helping me. Any time I want to eat something I shouldnt, I just think of my dress and me in it on the actual day, and it keeps me in check.

My exercise is pretty on course as well. Things are really busy and its been a struggle just to get exercise in, but I have been averaging around 4 days a week which isnt bad at all. My best friend just got motivated to lose weight and is into walking, so I have been walking with her once a week and its been fun to get in exercise and be able to gossip and talk. Im glad I can help keep her motivated too. I know she is anxious about fitting in her bridesmaids dress, so that is a big motivation right there.

Work has been stressful and I have been putting in a lot of hours which makes me want to come home and stress eat, but I have been managing. Add that to the stress of the movin with my fiance (which is going well but still is difficult to adjust to sometimes), and I have felt like I want to just eat and eat, but I know where that gets me and I just have to push those thoughts aside and stick to what is best for me. Its hard because my fiance is always snacking and on things that are not healthy and having that kind of food in the house is a trigger for me, but I continue to eat what I know is healthy and I am sure with time I will be able to resist more easily.

Fun things coming up: my dress fitting tomorrow and my bridal shower next weekend! So excited - these are the fun times of being a bride.

Hope I remember to be a better blogger in the coming weeks.

Moved

Yes I am still here! Its been a busy week. I moved into a new apartment with my fiance on Sunday so things have been a bit crazy the past 2 weeks with packing, moving, and unpacking. Everything is definitely out of sorts, but my new apartment is so much bigger and nice, and its nice to have the "official" movein with my fiance since we are always together, but we didnt officially live together yet. Unfortunately all the moving and stress caused me to get a cold the day after we moved. So I have been dealing with that all week too.

I wasnt sure what to expect with my weighin, but it wasnt bad 146.6. Thats actually what I weighed last week when i skipped posting, so a maintain is not a bad thing at all. I technically only worked out once this week. Mostly because the other 2 days I was so sick or busy and didnt have any of my equipment or dvd player and dvds, but Im fairly certain I burned my share of calories on Sunday and moving with all the moving and cleaning. I could definitely tell that because of all the exercising I do, my stamina was really good. My old apartment is on the second floor of where I live now and in a completely different wing (there are three wings to this apartment complex). Instead of taking the elevator, I was going up and down those stairs and down the hallways and for the most part, I was feeling great. I was carrying boxes and stuff that was really heavy and pushing myself to the limit just as I would when working out. So when its all said and done, I think I worked out just fine enough with that and can give myself a break for not doing my routine every day as I normally would. Now if only I was smart enough to have drank enough water and eaten something I wouldnt have gotten sick.

But now the exercise equipment, dvds, and dvd player are unpacked and set up, so I have no excuse. Its going to be a little different now that I live with my fiance to get into a rhythm of working out since sometimes I do it when I feel like it which may or may not be good now that he will be here and perhaps its dinner time or whatever. But he understands its important to me so I know he will let me do my thing. I was a little nervous about the food situation since he eats fairly healthy, but we did have to buy some things at the store that I dont buy such as chips and snacks. I was worried that I would be tempted, but Im actually not. Ive made healthy meals all week (well except for one trip to Jimmy Johns for dinner because we didnt have any food, but I had a whole wheat turkey sandwich so I was good) and I realize I dont have much to worry about since he will eat healthy with me.

Its really really hot here as well. Pushing 100 and then with some humidity. So I pulled out something I havent worn in perhaps 10 years - a pair of shorts. Now I wear shorts around the house or to sleep in, but not to actually go out in public in. But I did it today. I still have some jiggliness to my legs and mostly thighs, but I have to say that its not horrible. Ive seen people who look much worse out there today wearing shorts, and it feels really good not to be hot and walking around in jeans or capris like I have for so many years. This definitely makes the weight loss worth it!

Holiday Weekend

Very excited that I get a long weekend! We had a half day at work yesterday as well so it was wonderful to be able to go out and enjoy the day and not have to be stuck in a cubicle. My fiance and I spent last night at our friend's house, sitting outside with the tiki torches enjoying some healthy snacks such as fruit and almonds. It was a fantastic start to the weekend. I am also glad it involved healthy snacks since I am sure the rest of this weekend may be filled with some not so great choices.

Weight this week was 148 which is .2 more than the week before, but since I am shooting for maintenance, I see no problems with that. I continue to weigh myself because I feel like I need to make sure that I am at least keeping around this weight. In the past I would avoid the scale and then a month later find that I had gained like 10 pounds. I feel like I still need to be accountable when I know I have to weigh in at the end of every week. I was extremely bloated this week due to missing my birth control period one day (oops!) and then had to take 2 the next day which resulted in horrible stomach bloating, cramps, and issues in the bathroom I wont share. So in addition to of course the increased chance of getting pregnant, you deal with all of that when you miss a pill so its not worth it! I had a BUSY week at work and unfortunately one of those days I completely missed taking it at lunch because my lunch ended up being at like 2:30-3 in the afternoon. But anyways, I have felt really bloated and gross since then so I bet that .2 from last week is due to that whole incident.

I appreciate all the comments about the "shower" that I was given. My finance's side is throwing me a shower as well which I know is going to be at a nice place and be a special day for me so I do have that to look forward to. I just walked away from the whole incident with my family feeling like they did what they did because they figured I was already getting a nice shower, so why even try? Its also sad when your own family (and the first grandchild to be getting married), does less than your family-to-be. It honestly hurt my feelings and other than my mom, I havent spoken to anyone since then. I sent out thank you notes and was the polite bride, but I feel very hurt by what happened and I dont feel like talking to any of them for a long time. Especially when i have seen other showers some of my aunts have given and they were nothing like what I experienced. Sometimes life just isnt fair, and Im moving on and will enjoy the shower I have coming up in August.

Other fun things on the horizon this weekend include the Blackhawks playoff game tonight, and then a cook out on Memorial day with my friends and some of my fiance's family. Hopefully there will be chicken this year - sometimes there are only burgers and brats, but Im keeping my fingers crossed for some chicken. I can usually find my way to some healthy treats, and I found a great recipe on sparkpeople for a fruit pizza that is pretty healthy so Im going to try that and bring it as a least one healthy option.

I hope everyone enjoys the weekend!

About Time

I figured it was about time that I posted and actually have the time to do it lately. I love blogging and I hate when weeks pass by and I dont get on here to actually write. Mostly I write for myself but I definitely know that most of the people who read me probably dont anymore and I wouldnt blame them since I barely post anymore.

Anyways, obviously yes things have been really busy lately. Work is picking up to that completely crazy level it was at before, then my family came in for mothers day, and then last week I was busy with a 17 mile bike ride that i did on Saturday. It was awesome! I know that I work out 5 days a week but I was still a little nervous to do the 17 miles given I dont normally ride a bike when I work out, but I was really pleased that I did it without much trouble and could keep up with my fiance who rides daily (about 30 miles a day). It was really fun, and it was nice to be able to do that with my fiance and his family (his mom, dad, and cousin came too). I was happy too when I plugged in the numbers to see how many calories I burned and it was 500.

Weight is about the same - down .2 to 157.8 which is basically a maintain and is what Im trying to do. Last time I got to my goal I still felt like I could do more and wasnt really happy with where I was at. This time I feel much more settled and comfortable with how I look and feel. Part of me is curious if I could go further, but at the same time, Im not sure I really know what the point is. If Im happy and doing well here, then I should just keep doing what Im doing. Plus things have been so busy I dont think I could do much more to push it.

Things on the wedding front have been pretty good - we are at the point where most everything is done and we can just sit back and wait. Next weekend it will be a year that we have been engaged which is hard to believe. We are getting ready to move into our new apartment in about a month. I did have a horrible experience with a "shower" on mothers day though. I went to my grandmas and we were celebrating mothers day, my grandpas birthday, and my cousin's daughters birthday as well. Halfway through the day, my aunts, mom, and grandma came out with presents and said "surprise" indicating this was a surprise shower. I was upset not only because I hate surprises, but because none of my bridesmaids or matron were told about this, and my sister was completely left out and sat there feeling horrible that she knew nothing. I didnt have on my "special" shower dress that I bought, or have my camera. And then after I opened the gifts, that was it. Nothing - no games, nothing special. I cried the entire way driving home. Now I realize I may sound ungrateful or bitchy, but trust me, my unhappiness has nothing to do with not appreciating the thought. Its just that in my opinion (and my sisters as well), no thought was put into this. I have waited so long to be a bride and have worked really hard to do all the wedding planning and was looking forward to the fun things now, like my shower. only to find out that I dont even really get a shower. just 10 min spent on throwing gifts at me, trying to buy me off. I realize if its all my grandma could do, thats fine. but give me a corsage, a bride sash or something. Get all of the men out of the room, make me a special dessert. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it is. Maybe I just sound like a brideszilla, but it was absolutely horrible.

Enough of that. Here's a pic of my fabulous bike ride:

Wedding content only

Not a post about weight or anything else, just some pics of my dress and hair piece.

The dress was amazing! It was definitely worth the 8 month wait. It will need some major alterations since it is too BIG. Guess my weight loss and inches helped since the top was really big and the corset back was tied as tight as it would go and it wouldnt get tight enough. My bra was even a little too big. But it was great and it felt so good to be in it. My future mother in law came and she said "you look so skinny" which made me feel great. I am a little unhappy with my back - will need some recommendations for back exercises because I think I look too broad, but the dress is still fantastic.

And my hair piece arrived (not doing a veil) and I really like it. Not a great pic since I did it myself while holding up my short hair, but it will do. my mom doesnt really care of it, but she doesnt have to wear it right?!

Weekly update

Past week has been so busy. Last weekend was really busy as well and I feel like I have had no time for myself. Unfortunately I actually gained .6 this week, but at least I am still 150.8 so I guess I will just have to chalk that slight gain up to any number of things like stress, water, etc. I got in all my exercise this week so thats one good thing, but Im not going to say that Im not disapointed. I had hoped to at least see 150 even, not a gain. Its like the contestants on the biggest loser said this week, you cant measure your success by the scale which is definitely true. just another week to pass by and hopefully next week is a step in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep things in check with easter and eat in moderation and that it wont screw up my weighin next week.

The good news is that my wedding dress is finally here, after 8 months of waiting! going tomorrow to see it, and I am so excited. At least I got my weight to where I wanted it for when the dress got here, and I cannot wait to see myself in it. my future mother in law is coming too and she hasnt seen it yet, so I cannot wait to see her reaction.

there arent words

There are not words to describe how this week has been. On Monday I found out that my grandpa had a stroke (the same one I wrote about a few posts ago). They really did not think he was going to make it, but on Wednesday they discovered an infection in his brain that when they pumped him with antibiotics, cleared up and he woke up. There does not seem to be any brain damage. But then his kidneys failed so he had to go on dialysis. Today he had to go on a feeding tube. So it just seems like every day there is some new surprise and something to deal with. I have had to go through feelings of worry that he was going to die, acceptance that he was going to die, happiness he did not die, but unhappiness for the situation he is in and for the quality of his life which does not seem to be good.

This just gives me even more reason to want to be healthy now. I know any of those things can happen to people who live healthy lifestyles, but if what Im doing now even gives me a CHANCE of that not happening to me, then it is all worth it.

I also went to the eye dr this week because my contacts have been killing my eyes (I wear hard contacts), and ended up having to have all these tests done which included dilating my pupils and I had to drive home at rush hour IN TO THE SUN. I wanted to die. All the tests ended up taking so long that I missed my work out too which I was not happy about. So now I have to put these tearing drops in my eyes every hour, and I picked up an anti inflammatory prescription today that was a $60 copay which is NOT something I needed to pay for right now.

UGH. so that has been my week. On the positive side I lost a pound! I am down to 151.2 - SO close to seeing 150. Probably next week. I also ordered a dress online thinking it could be for my bridal shower or some type of shower this summer, and it arrived in a size 10 and its actually big in the top portion. I may have to go down a size which is really thrilling. Or I just need a bigger rack - perhaps a boob job? jk - never would do that. But we will see - just glad to get a dress that I like, fits, and actually is a little too big.

Need to recover from this hellish week - have a party tomorrow and will be likely going to visit my grandpa on Sunday. dont want to screw up my weigh in, but a drink sounds wonderful right now...

the dress

Doing it for the future

Weight today is 152.4, so a .8 loss. Im averaging about that each week now and I am pretty pleased with that. Hopefully at this rate I will be at my goal in 2-3 weeks. That should be good timing too since my wedding dress is supposed to be in by the end of the month and I would definitely like my alterations to be taken at this weight and it will be good incentive to maintain this until October.

Ive realized more and more this past month about how important everything I do now is for the future. Sure in the immediate future I want to be a certain weight and look a certain way, but I cant help but face that in 40-50 yrs from now, what I do now matters more than ever. When my dad was visiting a few weeks ago he wasnt here just to see me. My grandpa has been in bad shape the last 2 yrs or so. He falls down just about every week, has put himself in the hospital countless times, and he cannot really walk or do anything on his own. He fell about a month ago and was in the hospital and he was coming home the weekend my dad was here, who was helping out. Hearing my dad talk about what shape my grandpa was in made me really scared because I dont want to be that 60 years from now. I realize that when you get old its harder to do things and there are certain pitfalls, but I also see that things doing have to be the way they are for my grandpa. His years of smoking, poor eating habits, and being obese have taken its toll on him, and I know that could have easily been me years and years from now if I hadnt made the decision to change. I know I am still at risk for certain things and my future is not certain because of the choices I make now, but at least I know that I can change what Im doing now to ensure that I can be healthiest I can be when I am older. My fiance actually told me about an 80 year old man who still drag races in the NHRA I believe which I think is awesome. To be in that physical condition at an older age and not letting yourself be held back from what you love. Thats how I want to be and I really hope I am. Because I hate to think of what my life will be like if I were to end up like my grandpa.

Still going

Despite the sickness, stress, and busy weekend, I am down .8 from last week to 153.2! I can see 150 approaching and its very exciting. I cant believe that I spent a year trying to lose 10 pounds and here Ive lost 7 pounds in 2 months. I guess it goes to show just how much tracking your calories and working out really pays off. I still that sense of, will this be the last week? But just like it was in the beginning, every week I see results.

I am definitely having better body image. While I was certainly happy to be at 160 (because compared to 226, how could I not be?), but I still felt like I looked overweight. With all the exercise Ive been doing and the weight coming off, my clothes fit a lot better and I feel like things are more toned up overall. Im starting to see myself as just a regular person, rather than someone who was overweight. I hated how I felt that identified me as a person. I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with some friends. It was a couples thing so my friend was there with her boyfriend who I hadnt see in almost a year. When he had met me 2.5 yrs prior to that, I was at my heaviest weight. While at this get together, he pulled me aside and said, you used to be really big - I notice that you have lost a lot of weight. While I appreciated that he could see the weight loss, it bothered me to think that was all he remembered of me, just another fat girl. Im still the same person, just a lot lighter. Its hard for me to be around people who have only known me as fat, because they think that this lighter person must be some new thing that I revel in. Sure I am so happy to be where I am at, but I wasnt always this way, and I dont believe that one you are fat, you are fat forever. Fat does not and never will define me. I happened to be fat for a while, now Im not. It happens. I dont want to see myself as that person, and I really dont want others to see me that way either. Inside, Ive always been this person and thats all that should matter.

In wedding news, we did find a florist last weekend so another thing checked off the list! We went to two and both were great and affordable, but one place gave me a better visual idea of what everything will look like, so we chose them. I will have a bouquet with deep orange calla lillies, orange asian lilies, orange roses, and green berries and filler. My bridesmaids (who are wearing chocolate brown and fern green by the way), will have orange asian lilies with a green bow. My fiance's boutonierre will be a deep orange calla lily, and the rest of the groomsman will have orange roses. Should look real nice for fall. Other than the limo service, we have booked all of our vendors, which is so wonderful because I am really tired of going out to visit vendors. Sure its fun in the beginning, but when you work 10-12 hr days and only get 2 days on the weekend, its not always fun to spend those 2 days driving all over the place. I will be so glad when its Oct. and I can just get married already!

Good job FDA

First of all, I am really happy that the FDA is trying to post nutritional info on the front of a package of food. Hopefully this will at least get some people's attention instead of just grabbing things off the shelf. More importantly though, I am so glad they are looking to actually post servings according to what people actually eat. I hate when you see that something is 100 calories, but then see that its actually like 2 nuts out of the entire package you can have. Doing this may also scare some people into really thinking about what they eat. Now if only they could post all the ingredients too, we would be all set! Words like "whole grain" or "natural" grace just about everything these days, but if you check out the ingredients, they are usually the minority in a list of unhealthy ingredients. Check out the story here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/06/business/06portion.html?adxnnl=1&partner=rss&emc=rss&adxnnlx=1265890288-xot63aBslESB8GKVRhb5pg

Secondly, I hit a new low today - 154.6! Thats a .8 loss since last week (well actually 2 weeks since I maintained last week). The weight loss has slowed down a tad, however Im glad its still moving along. Its been years since Ive weighed this and it feels great. I have also noticed that my pants are a lot bigger, and I am fitting in some jeans that were pretty tight the past year to the point that I rarely wore them. So that means Im losing some inches as well. FINALLY - thats all I have to say. Ive been waiting for this for a while, and I am so glad its happening. My wedding dress will be here in March too, so hopefully I will be around 150 which would be a 10 pound loss, and I could definitely maintain that until October when the wedding is happening.

Should be a relaxing weekend which is just what I need. We layed off 4 people yesterday at work so it was stressful, and the past month just about every weekend has been filled with things for the wedding. Thankfully last weekend was the last of the cake tasting since we chose our bakery for our wedding cake and it will be delicious! So this weekend should be almost spot on. There is valentines day and I will be going out to dinner, but Im sure I will do just fine.

Happy Valentines day!

The experiment

Yes, Im still here. Man I have been busy the last month. So many thing happening at work (mostly bad), then there was Thanksgiving, now there's xmas coming up which means parties and gifts and gift wrapping etc. I feel like I never have time to just write. Part of it is that I feel like I am the same old thing to write - weights the same, exercising my butt off, nothings changing, blah blah blah. After a while, I know that there is nothing anyone can really say about that.

I have reached a point though where I need to figure out why Im not losing any more weight. Hence the title of this post - I have started to do an experiment this week. Since I do not count calories, rather eat x amount of protein, startch, veggies, etc., I was curious as to whether or not I was eating too much, or too little. Obviously either can affect weight loss, so I decided to find out exactly what I have been eating. So starting yesterday, I began tracking my food in sparkpeople, which is a site I used in the past when I was doing WW. I set a goal weight of 150 which is a 9 pound loss, and a target date of June 16th. The site indicated I should be eating 1460-1810 calories a day. I am not sure if this is pretty typical for someone of my height and weight, as well as activity level, to be eating to lose weight, but I trust the site, so Im going with it. I will report back at the end of the week to see if I am eating too much or too little a day. For this first "phase", I am not going to do anything differently than I have been, because I really want to see where I am at. Then next week (or likely the following week since next week is xmas), I will make adjustments based upon what I find out. If I am eating too much, I will cut back. If I am eating too little, I will eat more and eat more of the right kinds of food.

So far, I have found that I am eating slightly less or right at that 1460 calorie level. Interesting results so far, but it feels good to start to have some insight into this. The fact is, I work hard at this. I do eat right, and my exercise level has been great. I have been doing circuit training 5 days a week and while I feel great and my endurance has drastically increased, I dont notice any difference in my body and my weight hasnt changed. Something has to give. I know Im not a freak of nature, that there has to be a reason why nothing is changing. Its horribly frustrating, especially with my wedding 10 months away and I havent dropped a single pound or noticed any differences in my body. I need to know what is going on, and I guess this is a step in the right direction.

But Im here, Im still trying to post and I definitely am still reading. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday next week for those who celebrate, and I hope the new year will be kind to everyone!

Returning to Normal

Things in my life are returning to a semi-normal state. The large project I was working on the last several months ended, and now I dont have to work a 12 hour day every day which feels great! Unfortunately layoffs are still looming, so its hard to enjoy having less work because I am afraid it makes me look like I am not needed, so I have to try and stay busy and work later than Id want just so Im not a target. The stress of that alone is horrible, but at least for now, I still have a job.

Exercise is returning again in frequency too. I started the Jillian Micheals 30 day Shred which I am loving and feel that it gives a pretty good quick workout. I am glad that I have been keeping up with exercise as mcuh as I could over the last few months and at least my weight didnt go to all hell. I am on the higher end of the spectrum than Id want to be, mostly ranging from 158-160, but at least I can say that I maintained throughout all these months. It would have been easy to turn to food to cope with everything going on, but I was able to stick to healthy foods and exercise when it was possible. I cant really dwell on what I might weigh if I had been able to be diligent the last few months, but I was barely getting by emotionally and physically some days, so Im proud of what I was able to do. I feel like I went through some horrible battle and at least I came out alive. Too bad I have a wedding dress arriving in a few months and I wanted a thinner body ready for that, but hopefully this 30 day shred will help with that. Im surprised that doing that for the last 3 weeks has not caused me to drop any weigh. While I dont play into claims much, the case of the dvd does indicate that it can lead to up to a 20 pound weight loss. While I wouldnt expect 20 pounds (or really even want that), it would be nice to see SOME results. I could try and convince myself I am gaining muscle, but I dont really believe that is true. So you can see, Im still the clueless frustrated girl I always was!

Im sorry that I havent posted much the last few months. Im afraid it caused me to lose a lot of readers and its really too bad because I really enjoy reading the comments of my regular readers and the support they give. Ive tried to keep up with my google reader as much as possible and hopefully now I can get back into reading and posting more often.

Still Alive

Im here and still breathing. I hate that I havent updated in a while, but I have been so busy the past few weeks that posting has been the last thing on my mind.

This is a weight loss blog so I am sure that anyone who still checks in on my wants to know how Im doing in that respect. Well to show just how busy I am, I barely even weigh myself anymore. Last time I did I was 158.4 which wasnt too bad. I struggle to find time to exercise, and am only averaging about 1-2 days a week still. I know I need to work on this, especially with a wedding in less than a year now, but I have about 1 hr to myself a day and thats usually spent eating dinner, making my lunch for the next day, paying bills,etc. and then fall into bed. I hate this feeling because I dont like putting a healthy lifestyle on the backburner. It starts to cause feelings of getting fat and I start to imagine that I am gaining weight. Thats why I did step on the scale the one evening, just to confirm that I wasnt. I had been out halloween costume shopping and every costume I tried on was so tight. I really wanted to be a flapper, and every dress was cut straight and not meant for someone with hips. Then I tried a devil costume on that was so tight in my stomach. I was about to give up and I finally found another devil costume, but the experience was horrible. I havent had to worry about fitting into things and now thats all I was experiencing. The feelings of self hatred and body issues were resurfacing, and its very difficult, especially with everything else going on in my life. I havent even had any time for wedding planning.

Speaking of wedding planning, my parents came into town a few weeks ago and were completely on my case about that. They were upset that I wasnt doing more (when clearly I have no time working 12 hr days every day), and my mom is starting to take over things and do them HER way, not with what I want. I got upset because this is my wedding and not hers, and I hate that she wants a wedding that matches her vision, and not mine. It was a very stressful weekend, and one that I didnt want.

Things at my job are horrible right now. We have laid off 5 people in the past 2 weeks, with more to come. Its ironic how I am so worried about losing a job that I hate. I have worked insane hours the past few months, enough to make myself sick, and now on top of this, Ive had to watch coworkers I care about get fired, and have to worry about my own job. While I hate my job, I dont want to get laid off before I find a new one since I am not in any position to be without a paycheck. The atmosphere around the office is horrible. Everyone walks around focused on the layoffs and not their jobs, and we all feel like it could be our last day at any moment. I feel sick every day I have to walk in there and face another day.

I have done a few fun things so my life isnt totally bad. I just wish the fun could balance out the bad since there seems to be way more stress than good times. For my fiance's birthday, we went to a Sox game and had great seats in the skybox:

I also went to the pumpkin farm this weekend with my fiance and had fun in the corn maze (even if it was SO cold outside). I also had a relaxing evening last night - my fiance made a fire, we played board games, and then watched the Blackhawks game under a blanket. One of his kitties even curled up on my lap.

So life isnt all bad - just busy and stressful with fleeting moments of happiness. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I can hang on to my job (at least until I find a better one), get in some wedding planning, and lose some weight.

An update

Yes I am still here - it definitely has been a while. I feel like I havent posted in forever. The good news is, I havent fallen off the bandwagon, but my life is just so stressful and crazy right now that I have had no time to write about anything. Basically my life consists of work, sleep, and more work. My job is seriously killing me, and every day is a battle to not just get up from my desk, walk away, and never come back. I honestly dont see how any of this is worth it. Sure I need a paycheck, but this is taking years off my life. I have no time for anything personal, wedding plans, or exercise. Im averaging about 1 or 2 days a week of actually getting some exercise in. I hate that, I feel like Im going to get really out of shape. I have been on track with my eating though, so thats at least one good thing. Im just trying to eat every few hours and drink lots of water to keep me going. I have no idea what I weigh - I weighed in a few weeks ago at 159 so at least Im still under 160. Lets hope thats still the case.

So thats whats going on with me. Im still trying to read everyones blogs, and hopefully at some point this will die down, and I can focus on my weight loss and health again.

Not Sure (and some wedding dress pics!)

I am not sure how I feel about this less frequent weighin. On one hand, its nice because I have enough stress with work that I dont need to get stressed out about the scale. On the other hand, it means there are more surprises like todays surprise which is that I am up to 159.8. What the heck? I feel like if I had weighed myself 3X this week, perhaps I would have seen what was going on. But to think I was probably back down to 157 like I was last week and then to see this, I was a bit shocked. I certainly didnt eat anything out of the usual. I did only exercise 1 day this week due to my 12 hour a day work days lately (except for today where I finished up and got the hell out of there), but thats how its been the past 2 weeks and it wasnt doing that. TOM is nearing but it seems too early to be bloated because of that. Oh well, who knows. I dont know if I like surprises...

In more positive news, I got my wedding dress!!! I went on Tuesday with my matron of honor and the sample was in, and I barely was in it and I already knew that it was the one. No decisions needed and I didnt even try the other dress on. While the sample dress was tight (as you will see from the back picture), I was completly shocked to find that it was a size FOUR. And I was in it. holy crap. Especially since they say wedding dresses are smaller. I definitely did not order a size four (a 10 actually), but it was a little boost to my ego that I could get in one. They took my measurements and you will love this - an 8 on top, 6 in the waist, and a 12 in the hips! Yup thats me, I have wide childbearing hips that are the largest part of me. I was pretty pleased that my waist was a 6. But its no wonder I have such a hard time finding clothes when Im different sizes all over. I tried on a veil and it just looked wrong, so I definitely decided not to go with a veil. I am planning on doing a nice hair clip or something like that. Anyways, heres a few pics. Ignore the weird looks on my face, I was so exhausted and it was 830 at night and I hadnt eaten dinner or anything yet. Now I just have to wait 5 months for my dress to come in!

Time for an update

I feel like I have been away for a while! As you can see, the stress hasnt completely consumed me, but coming back from my 4 day weekend definitely resulted in a long work day and 170 emails to get through.

Focusing on the good, I had a wonderful time on my "romantic weekend" at Lake Geneva with my fiance. The weather wasnt as good as we had wanted since we did want to go on the waverunners like we did last year or at least lay by the pool in the sun, but it was rainy and quite cool. But we found other fun things to do like going to two wineries as well as a cheese shop where we got to try some of WI most delicious cheeses! I ate a lot of seafood and while I know I over indulged at times, I actually think I did really well. We were pretty active, getting a lot of walking and swimming in the indoor pool in. And mostly, it was just nice to relax. We went in the hottub every night and it felt great. I didnt get on the scale today, but its fine. I actually could still use a break from it. I weighed myself last Wednesday and was down to 157 again which was wonderful, so i think the less frequent weighins might be just what I need.

While in the hottub one night, there was a couple there and the woman was quite large. While getting out of the hottub, some younger girls in bikinis and a guy got in and started to make fun of this woman because of her size. They made comments like "how could that guy be with her?" and "how can you let yourself get that size?". It made me so angry. here was a woman who was spending time with her husband and enjoying herself and then had to endure comments like that. Especially from these girls who, very likely will gain weight when they go off to college (I heard them say they were 18). Its just sad that there are people like this out there - it really is a form of discrimination. They know nothing about this woman. For all we know, she could have already lost a bunch of weight or be working hard to get to her goal weight. Or maybe she is struggling - in any case, she doesnt deserve to be judged on her weight. It was just an eye opening experience and once that really bothered me and shows that you can be an ugly person at any size and wearing a bikini!

My sample wedding dress of dress #1 I posted last month is in and I go to try it on tomorrow and take my measurements! So excited!

Here are a few pics:

Im here

Im here - barely. Work is out of control - I worked 12-14 hour days tuesday-friday, and the trend has continued into this week. I feel like everything is out of control. I have so much work to do that its impossible for one person to complete it, yet I feel alone and like no one at my work cares or wants to help out. My stress level is so high that I am making myself physically ill. I am supposed to go on vacation this week as well and right now I have no idea how that is even possible or how I would enjoy myself thinking of all that I have and need to do. I havent worked out, I dont know what I weigh.

Little by little

Slowly but surely my weight is coming back down. I am down another 1.4 today from Friday, to 159. I am happy I am under 160 again, but what can I say, Im greedy and would like to see 157. TOM is a few days away so I know that doesnt help. Overall though, I feel better since I have a completely on plan weekend for the first time in 2 weeks. Something about staying in control and not starting the week feeling guilty about any choices I made helps my general mood with the weighin. My tummy (though bloated from TOM), does feel flatter than last week, and the good news is I will likely continue to go down during the week.

My stress level has not been good these past few weeks. Work is just insane, plus all of the wedding things that I need to do. I was getting angry because I was checking in on the sample dress they were bringing in of the one I found in PA, and they wouldnt return my phone calls. I get frustrated when I feel helpless. Its like, ok you will cash my check but not return my phone calls? I finally heard from them and its coming in next week, but it was just another source of stress that I didnt need. I would just like one stress free week please!

Time to Weigh in

Ugh I really did not want to weigh in today. I had a feeling it wouldnt be good, and its not. Not to say that I ate really bad or anything over the weekend. Since last Tuesday I have been on track with food and exercise. But still, I havent weighed in in 2 weeks and some time away from the scale had me worried that some of my bad decisions would show, and indeed they have. I havent been 160 in quite some time and I seem to not be any where near 156 lately at all. Actually the last time I weighed 160 was January of this year. Not so good.

So I am disapointed with myself. I am disapointed I didnt work out during my trip. Im disapointed I ate some things i shouldnt have. Im disapointed that I didnt limit my portions at the brazillian steakhouse last Tuesday. If I had made the right choices in these scenarios, then I wouldnt be upset right now. The scale would reflect those right choices. It also scares me, because i see myself going in the wrong direction. On one hand it completely sucks that a few bad meals and the scale goes up this much which means that I can never really eat like a "normal" person. On the other hand it just goes to show that I need structure and to make the right choices all of the time because Im not someone that can have a few bad days and not see it affect me. Im going to just swallow the frustration, disapointment, and fear and just keep focusing this week on doing the best that I can. It doesnt help that I have camping this weekend and next weekend where there will be bad choices every which way. Sure Im bringing my healthy stash of food, but there will be temptations and a lack of routine, and I hate to let yet another week or even two go by and continue to see this on the scale. This isnt what Ive worked hard for months for, this isnt why I worked hard to get a good bathing suit body to only see it get mushy and fatty. I am just really angry at myself.

In other news, thanks for the comments about the last dress! It helps to know what people like about one dress or the other. Today after Ive gotten out of the moment, I find myself still drawn to dress #1. While I love both, when I think about it, I can really picture myself in the first dress. I felt more comfortable in it, and when I think about having to give up a dress, I find myself the most upset about not choosing the first dress. I also wouldnt change anything about it, while the dress that I posted yesterday I do find myself looking at certain aspects of the dress and wishing they were different. I guess thats my decision right there! I still plan on being objective and waiting for the first dress to come in so I can compare them side to side and maybe I will feel differently. But today, I think dress #1 is coming through the clear winner.