Its been a while

I cant believe how long its been since I have posted! These last few weeks have been SO busy. I am sorry for being a bad blogger and a bad reader. Juggling work and a wedding is way more time consuming that I could ever have imagined. Fortunately, my business is mostly due to fun things so I cant complain.

I can happily post that my weight is 144.8 so at least these few weeks havent been spent eating off track. I have attended a few parties and dinners out, but I have kept myself in check and have planned ahead, looked at calories online, and did the best that I could. My wedding dress is a huge motivation to keep my weight at this point so that is helping me. Any time I want to eat something I shouldnt, I just think of my dress and me in it on the actual day, and it keeps me in check.

My exercise is pretty on course as well. Things are really busy and its been a struggle just to get exercise in, but I have been averaging around 4 days a week which isnt bad at all. My best friend just got motivated to lose weight and is into walking, so I have been walking with her once a week and its been fun to get in exercise and be able to gossip and talk. Im glad I can help keep her motivated too. I know she is anxious about fitting in her bridesmaids dress, so that is a big motivation right there.

Work has been stressful and I have been putting in a lot of hours which makes me want to come home and stress eat, but I have been managing. Add that to the stress of the movin with my fiance (which is going well but still is difficult to adjust to sometimes), and I have felt like I want to just eat and eat, but I know where that gets me and I just have to push those thoughts aside and stick to what is best for me. Its hard because my fiance is always snacking and on things that are not healthy and having that kind of food in the house is a trigger for me, but I continue to eat what I know is healthy and I am sure with time I will be able to resist more easily.

Fun things coming up: my dress fitting tomorrow and my bridal shower next weekend! So excited - these are the fun times of being a bride.

Hope I remember to be a better blogger in the coming weeks.

Moving is the new diet

I guess that moving is the new diet because I weighed myself today at 144.4! I didnt do anything differently this week other than I was constantly unpacking, moving things, and cleaning, so I guess that all burns quite a few calories I would say. Not complaining and hopefully this isnt a fluke and I can really claim this as a loss.

Life here has been really busy and a bit stressful. Last weekend we were so busy that we didnt get as much done as we had wanted, so just about every night this week has been busy doing things around our new place. I did get in 3 days of exercise this week which is more than I can say for last week, so thats one positive thing. My new workout area is a bit smaller so its an adjustment to move around the furniture in the room, but Im not going to let that stop me. Things are falling into a routine which is better, and I have been making some new meals. My fiance also grilled 2 nights which was wonderful because of course its nice to have someone cook for you, but also because it makes a standard such as chicken taste different.

Every weekend for about the next month is shaping up to be so busy too, but good busy. I have wedding planning things, concerts, and parties lined up so its nice to have fun things to do, and I already know I can master most situations and find healthy things to eat. Last Sunday some friends of ours invited us out to dinner to this chicken place. It was featured on that show Diners, Driveins, and Dives. Well of course it is a FRIED chicken place so I wasnt too excited about going there. As I suspected, the menu was pretty much fried chicken and any other friend food you could imagine. However, they did have a great salad bar and I found the one food that was actually grilled. It ended up being a great meal and while I didnt really have much of a choice in what I ate, I felt good knowing I found something healthy and enjoyed it anyways.

Sorry I havent been around to many blogs, I am a bad reader! hopefully can catch up this weekend.

Busy Week

ohh what a busy week this was. So glad it is the weekend, and a long weekend at that. Weight today is up to 147.4 which is a 1 pound gain from last week which is suspicious since I dont usually gain so much in one week from doing nothing out of the ordinary. Who knows, but 147 isnt bad at all. I also was so busy this week that I only got in 3 days of exercise, so that could definitely contribute. I was eating dinner at odd times and today i feel extremely bloated. Probably TOM approaching.

But at least I am out there having fun and living life and sometimes its hard to balance that and losing weight and working out. There were definitely temptations but I think I did really well. Wednesday my fiance and I went to see the Stanley cup and was sitting at the bar we were at for about 3 hrs. I witnessed just about every type of food imagineable being brought out to other tables and I was so tempted to order something. Mostly I realized I was bored and wanted to eat, and Im glad I realized that and didnt give in. I wasnt even going to drink (mostly because I had to work the next day), however I did end up having one beer because my fiance's cousin bought it for us after we saw the Cup. Then yesterday I went to the movies with my friend and didnt get popcorn. Oh it smelled fantastic thats for sure, but I passed on it and Im glad that I did.

I know that with each thing I get through and remain strong in what I want, it helps me become stronger for the future. Hopefully after years of doing this it will just be second nature and not so hard at times.

Wrong Way Part 2

It seems the wrong way thing just keeps on going. Last week I actually was down to 147.8 which was a welcome surprise, but today its back to 148. Now I realize that I am supposed to be maintaining, however since I reached my goal, I havent done anything differently in terms of weight or exercise. So by that right, shouldnt my weight still be moving downwards? I guess that is why I am a little confused and surprised. it makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong. I have hit things like this in the past, but usually when I would look honestly at what I was doing, I was either not exercising as much, not measuring out my food, or sneaking things here and there which would all make sense why I was not losing. I have lost pretty steadily since January and here I am again at a stall and this time, I really dont know why it is. For about the last month its been an up and down game again, and a game that I get so tired of. Yes I am happy where I am at, but I was also hoping that by doing what I was doing, my weight would just continue down and eventually level off once I was at the point where the calories I was eating would be what was needed to maintain. Apparently the calories I eat now are enough to maintain.

Enough of the negative - I have had a great past week. Last Friday was my birthday and it was wonderful. I received a lot of nice gifts from family and friends and its always nice to have a special day where you can feel great. And I am even happier that I still have 2 more years before I have to think about the big 3-0!

Work has been really stressful though and is keeping me busy, and last week I ended up missing the White Sox game I was supposed to go to with my fiance because I got caught up in work and I was NOT happy. If I didnt have a wedding coming up, I would seriously put way more effort into finding a new job. No job should take up so much of your time that you miss out on fun things. Maybe its all this stress thats causing my weight to bounce around - who knows if stress can really do that, but I guess its a good enough excuse.

Hopefully next post I can write the title as "Right way" and see a loss on the scale next week. I would at least like to be at 147 again. The further I can get from 150 the better.

Wrong way

Weighed in at 148.4, and things just seem to be going the wrong way. True I am aiming for maintenance, but every week Ive gained around .2 or .4 and it is really driving me crazy as to why. True, I did eat more than I normally would on Monday since I attended a party. I ate mostly healthy, but I did have a beer and a cookie for dessert. Still, I would hardly think that 4 days later I would still be holding on to any of that.

Ive still been tracking my food in spark people and that is right on. Ive still been averaging 4-5 days a week for workouts. The only difference the last few weeks is that I have been able to work from home on Fridays which means i have worked out in the morning. I would think a work out prior to a weigh in would lead to a loss, but that is seriously the only differnece in my habits since I started seeing the small increase in my weight. Maybe I am just paranoid and Ive had a bad few weeks. TOM is coming soon and I tend to bloat from that, but since I hit my low of 147.8 2 weeks ago, its been 2 weeks of small gains. Its been around 148 for a month now.

It sucks that I have to live my life paranoid of gaining back weight. I am really happy where I am at now. Yet I am so afraid of gaining it back and now I see these small gains and it makes me feel crazy. Especially when the next few weeks are filled with parties, my birthday, a White Sox game, etc. where Im eating out a lot. I am so afraid I will be over 150 again and I have spent months since xmas getting to this point only to fear its going to be undone.

That is just my freak out moment right there. I know I have control over things and that I always do the best that I can. Its hard when I reach moments like this where I am doing everything I can and its not enough, and then it gets even harder when I reach moments where I dont have enough control and then I am afraid of what things will really be like. I just need to keep doing all that I can and hope that I start to see a change.

Holiday Weekend

Very excited that I get a long weekend! We had a half day at work yesterday as well so it was wonderful to be able to go out and enjoy the day and not have to be stuck in a cubicle. My fiance and I spent last night at our friend's house, sitting outside with the tiki torches enjoying some healthy snacks such as fruit and almonds. It was a fantastic start to the weekend. I am also glad it involved healthy snacks since I am sure the rest of this weekend may be filled with some not so great choices.

Weight this week was 148 which is .2 more than the week before, but since I am shooting for maintenance, I see no problems with that. I continue to weigh myself because I feel like I need to make sure that I am at least keeping around this weight. In the past I would avoid the scale and then a month later find that I had gained like 10 pounds. I feel like I still need to be accountable when I know I have to weigh in at the end of every week. I was extremely bloated this week due to missing my birth control period one day (oops!) and then had to take 2 the next day which resulted in horrible stomach bloating, cramps, and issues in the bathroom I wont share. So in addition to of course the increased chance of getting pregnant, you deal with all of that when you miss a pill so its not worth it! I had a BUSY week at work and unfortunately one of those days I completely missed taking it at lunch because my lunch ended up being at like 2:30-3 in the afternoon. But anyways, I have felt really bloated and gross since then so I bet that .2 from last week is due to that whole incident.

I appreciate all the comments about the "shower" that I was given. My finance's side is throwing me a shower as well which I know is going to be at a nice place and be a special day for me so I do have that to look forward to. I just walked away from the whole incident with my family feeling like they did what they did because they figured I was already getting a nice shower, so why even try? Its also sad when your own family (and the first grandchild to be getting married), does less than your family-to-be. It honestly hurt my feelings and other than my mom, I havent spoken to anyone since then. I sent out thank you notes and was the polite bride, but I feel very hurt by what happened and I dont feel like talking to any of them for a long time. Especially when i have seen other showers some of my aunts have given and they were nothing like what I experienced. Sometimes life just isnt fair, and Im moving on and will enjoy the shower I have coming up in August.

Other fun things on the horizon this weekend include the Blackhawks playoff game tonight, and then a cook out on Memorial day with my friends and some of my fiance's family. Hopefully there will be chicken this year - sometimes there are only burgers and brats, but Im keeping my fingers crossed for some chicken. I can usually find my way to some healthy treats, and I found a great recipe on sparkpeople for a fruit pizza that is pretty healthy so Im going to try that and bring it as a least one healthy option.

I hope everyone enjoys the weekend!

Time Passes By

Things have gotten so busy and unfortunately this blog got put on the back burner the past 2 weeks. I cannot believe how time just flies on by.

Life is going well, I have been busy with parties, looking at limos and tuxes for the wedding, and looking at apartments. My fiance and I decided to move into a 2 bedroom apt because we need the room and we found a really nice one so it will be moving time in July. Wish it could be a house, but that will be on our agenda after the wedding for sure.

Work is picking up a lot as well and I think my time of leaving work at a decent hour is up. Construction season started (yes here in Chicago road construction is a season) and it has caused me to spend hours more in the car a day so its been a struggle to get my exercise in. I was doing about 5 days a week and that has gone down to 4, and I really hope I can at least keep that. its funny because years ago I would not have been concerned at all about working out, but the other day I complained to my fiance how I didnt have time to work out that day and would gain weight again, and he said, "you wont gain weight because you didnt work out for one day", and he is perfectly right. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that fact.

I also had lunch out last week because a coworker won lunch for herself and 10 other coworkers so I got invited a long. it was a breakfast place and while I really would have loved the cinnabon french toast, I got the most amazing breakfast: it was half of a pinapple filled with yogurt, granola, bananas, and strawberries. SO delicious. Everyone made such a big deal how I was choosing to eat healthy, but in my eyes, it was definitely worth it.

Yesterday I was traveling to a client site and the consultant I was with took me out to lunch where I had a wrap so I have really been trying to just do the best that I can. My weight is only down .2 from last week, but since I hit my goal, Im really ok with being where Im at and 148.8 is a perfectly fine weight for me.

So thats been my life the past few weeks in a nutshell. The coming week will be crazy too since my family will be in for mothers day, and I have a baby shower to attend as well. Im sure there will be lots of food and more healthy choices I will continue to make.

Under Goal

Actually weighed in under goal today at 149.4. Thats a 1.4 loss in the past week which is pretty awesome since Sunday was Easter and I did eat more than I typically would but kept everything pretty much in check. It feels good to meet my goal and then some, and now Ill juse see where it takes me.

I am going to focus on trying to tone up more, especially for the wedding. While I feel really great in my dress (and thanks for all who commented on my pics), I am not really happy with the way my back looks and need some good back exercises if anyone has any recommendations. I did get a few from my last post and those are a great starting point. I think frequency is my problem as well since I tend to do strength training twice a week and only 1 of those days is focus on the back.

I really hate sometimes that I get so focused on certain parts of my body. I know that no one is perfect, and I hate that sometimes I strive to be so. I know it comes from my mother. Not that it is all her fault, but I think the pressure she always put on my sister and I has caused us to really focus too much on appearance and is one reason I believe my sister has an eating disorder. All my life growing up, she criticized my appearance and told me how to look. I was always healthy and thin so she would pick on my clothes or my hair. She would often tell me that I embarrassed her and that I needed to look a certain way so that when we were around people she knew, I would not reflect badly on her. it is one reason I rebelled in high school where I went through a period of wearing clothes that she HATED. She even took me to a counselor because she thought that there was something wrong with me because I didnt want to wear what she wanted me to, and stopped buying me clothes.

As I have gotten older, I have really seen how this has affected me. I could never be one to just run out to the store with my hair up and no makeup on, because in the back of my mind, I hear my moms voice saying that people will be judging me and think I am not a nice looking person. Any time I try something on, I tend to buy bigger because I feel like I need to camouflage amy trouble spots. Whenever I visit my parents, I feel like I have to bring my nicest clothes and be careful what I eat in front of my mom so that she doesnt judge me. I even find myself doing this with my fiance - when we go somewhere where he is meeting coworkers or such, I feel like I need him to dress a certain way so that he puts forth this image that I want others to see. And now with all this wedding stuff, I feel so much of this resurface. I sent my mom a picture of the bridal shower dress I bought and she just responded that I didnt need to get a smaller size, that it looked tight. I actually did buy a smaller size because the top was so big and everyone else I showed it to said that the smaller size was better. My mom then just commented that I needed to be sure that it was appropriate looking. Whatever! And even with my wedding dress last week, when she asked why it was so big and I responded that it was because I had lost 10 pounds and some inches, and she was like, well stop losing weight because I havent lost any. As if it is a contest of some sorts. She never said anything else about the dress or how I looked in it. In my mind, I just think that she doesnt like it or that she is looking at how broad my back looks or whatever.

Yes I have body issues and I probably always will. These thoughts and memories will always stay with me and I will have to fight to remind myself that I am a HEALTHY weight. That my BMI is healthy. That I do look ok, that no one is judging me but me. I want to get over these issues because I would hate to find myself with a daughter one day doing the same thing to her.

Weekly update

Past week has been so busy. Last weekend was really busy as well and I feel like I have had no time for myself. Unfortunately I actually gained .6 this week, but at least I am still 150.8 so I guess I will just have to chalk that slight gain up to any number of things like stress, water, etc. I got in all my exercise this week so thats one good thing, but Im not going to say that Im not disapointed. I had hoped to at least see 150 even, not a gain. Its like the contestants on the biggest loser said this week, you cant measure your success by the scale which is definitely true. just another week to pass by and hopefully next week is a step in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep things in check with easter and eat in moderation and that it wont screw up my weighin next week.

The good news is that my wedding dress is finally here, after 8 months of waiting! going tomorrow to see it, and I am so excited. At least I got my weight to where I wanted it for when the dress got here, and I cannot wait to see myself in it. my future mother in law is coming too and she hasnt seen it yet, so I cannot wait to see her reaction.

there arent words

There are not words to describe how this week has been. On Monday I found out that my grandpa had a stroke (the same one I wrote about a few posts ago). They really did not think he was going to make it, but on Wednesday they discovered an infection in his brain that when they pumped him with antibiotics, cleared up and he woke up. There does not seem to be any brain damage. But then his kidneys failed so he had to go on dialysis. Today he had to go on a feeding tube. So it just seems like every day there is some new surprise and something to deal with. I have had to go through feelings of worry that he was going to die, acceptance that he was going to die, happiness he did not die, but unhappiness for the situation he is in and for the quality of his life which does not seem to be good.

This just gives me even more reason to want to be healthy now. I know any of those things can happen to people who live healthy lifestyles, but if what Im doing now even gives me a CHANCE of that not happening to me, then it is all worth it.

I also went to the eye dr this week because my contacts have been killing my eyes (I wear hard contacts), and ended up having to have all these tests done which included dilating my pupils and I had to drive home at rush hour IN TO THE SUN. I wanted to die. All the tests ended up taking so long that I missed my work out too which I was not happy about. So now I have to put these tearing drops in my eyes every hour, and I picked up an anti inflammatory prescription today that was a $60 copay which is NOT something I needed to pay for right now.

UGH. so that has been my week. On the positive side I lost a pound! I am down to 151.2 - SO close to seeing 150. Probably next week. I also ordered a dress online thinking it could be for my bridal shower or some type of shower this summer, and it arrived in a size 10 and its actually big in the top portion. I may have to go down a size which is really thrilling. Or I just need a bigger rack - perhaps a boob job? jk - never would do that. But we will see - just glad to get a dress that I like, fits, and actually is a little too big.

Need to recover from this hellish week - have a party tomorrow and will be likely going to visit my grandpa on Sunday. dont want to screw up my weigh in, but a drink sounds wonderful right now...

the dress

hmmm

Well I guess I had an off week because I only lost .2. I am happy for a loss and it brings me one step closer to my goal, but Im not going to lie and say that Im not disapointed because I am. I was on a good losing streak of about .8 a week so I was excited to see 151 today but NOPE. Guess not. If I felt that there was something I could have done differently, it would be one thing. But everything was on target; nothing was different about this week. The only thing I can think of is that TOM is about a week away and I guess when I think about it, I am a bit bloated. But I could just be making excuses so who knows. There was a week back in Jan where I gained around this time and then beginning of Feb I stayed the same for 2 weeks, so Im hoping this is just one of those weeks and next week or the week after, I will be right where I want to be. A teeny tiny part of my mind is whispering that I couldnt keep on a roll for that long and that this always happens right before you reach a goal. I am trying to tell that voice to shut up.

No major thoughts of the week - nothing much happened. I did have a great NSV last weekend when my fiance said that he could really tell that I have lost weight and inches and that I look "really skinny". well I wouldnt say I look "really skinny" but I was happy for the compliment and glad that my accomplishment so far is noticeable. I was riding high after that, but after this weighin, I guess it puts me in a bit of an unhappy mood that Ill have to snap out if. Ive been through this before and its not all about the scale. I can actually say too that once I do reach 150, I am not going to try and lose any more weight. If it happens thats great, if it doesnt, I think I am fine actually where I am at. It seems ridiculous that 8 pounds makes that much of a difference, but apparently it does because I am happier at this weight than I was 8 pounds ago. Some of that is inches lost too because that has made the biggest difference. But I think for once I am ready to give this a rest and just let nature take its course.

Not too bad

I am down .6 for the week which is actually really surprising. I thought for sure Id be up or even maintain, but I am sitting happy at 154.

It has been quite a week - I worked late (11 hrs) on Wednesday and missed my workout. I started feeling sick on Sunday which turned into the flu as well as a horrible ear infection. I cannot hear out my left ear at all. I feel so exhausted; I slept for 11 hrs straight on Sunday, yet woke up for my Valentines day dinner and felt like I had slept for 2 hrs. Then TOM is starting so I am more bloated than I have ever felt. Yet despite this, I still pulled out a loss, so I cannot complain.

It has been difficult to work out with the same intensity I usually do because I get out of breath so easily and fatigue much more quickly. I know that my body probably does need the rest so I am trying not to push it too hard. I guess its just the stress of work and the wedding all rolled into one.

Definitely staying in tonight to get some much needed rest since tomorrow we have appts to see 2 florists, and my dad is also in town so I will be spending much of Sunday out and about with him. All good stuff, just not stuff that leads to rest.

More Cake

Happy to report that my weight is still the same - 155.2. Sure, a loss would be nice, but I was a little concerned after some of the food I had last weekend, and I do not feel well today (very bloated) so I thought for sure I would see a higher number.

Today was rough though. We had a superbowl party at work, so there was chili, dips, cheese and crackers, pigs in a blanket, cookies, brownies.....you get the picture. Come party time (which was also lunch time), I went into the kitchen to get my lunch and felt really tempted. I actually took my lunch and went back to my desk to eat it, then went and joined the other people in the room the party was in. That helped because I could concentrate on what I really wanted to eat, vs being tempted and eating something that wouldnt benefit me nutritionally, as well as the fact that by the time I went back to the room, I was full and had no desire to eat anything that was there. I think it was also smart to do as well since I always seem to get comments when I do choose to eat my healthy lunch vs the food they have and today I just didnt want to deal with it. But I feel good that I made the right choice, and I know the scale would not have said 155 had I eaten half of what I wanted to there.

Friday night out went fine - my plan to eat before hand helped, and I only had a few bites of some of the foods that were at the party. Unfortunately I did have a few too many beers, but it was a fun time out and I cant say that I regretted it.

Cake tasting went well last week, and I only had 3 small squares about the size of a square on a checkerboard of each type of cake. I had a small forkful of the frosting, and then a small forkful of the chocolate ganache filling. So it was definitely not hard to get an idea of what the cake tasted like without over doing it.

The xmas party we went to had a TON of food. It was at an italian restaurant that serves family style only, and I had no idea what we would be served. The appetizers were calamari, bruschetta, and salad. The salad was delicious, so I ate a lot of that knowing that if the entrees were not healthy, at least I was able to fill myself up. The entrees were chicken parmesean and pesto salmon. Both were breaded, so I knew right away that I made the right decision to fill up on salad. There was also some spaghetti on the side as well as some spinach filled shells, so I had some spagetti and half of a shell. I was actually full with just that. Dessert came out and it was tiramisu and cheesecake. I had a bite of the cheesecake but that was it. I didnt have much to drink either, just a glass of sangria. All in all, I think I did really well. So many people were complaining about how full they were, and it was nice that I enjoyed myself but didnt come away from it stuffed. My finace's bosses were telling people to eat more because there was so much food and while I felt bad that I probably was not eating my share, Id rather feel guilty for that than having eaten too much.

Well as the title of this post indicates, tomorrow I have another cake tasting so I am excited for that. Between that and the superbowl, this will likely be another weekend full of food. I have a superbowl party to go to on Sunday, but at least I know there should be some healthy food there. The host is a friend of mine from college, and he used to be very overweight as a child. He lost a lot of weight and works out and eats really healthy now, so he knows what its like to go to a party and worry about healthy foods. Thats actually a really nice feeling. But after last weekend, it really reinforces that you can go out, enjoy yourself, and not have to worry about the scale as long as you can do it in moderation.

A new low

Hooray! I hit a new low today - 155.2. I have not weighed 155 since college. I am really really happy right now, and a bit shocked to be honest. I was sure with TOM that I would show a gain, but instead I get a 1.8 pound loss.

I feel great, and its not just because the scale is reflecting my hard work. I just feel great with how everything is working out. I am eating some new foods, eating more often, working out 5 days a week, and Ive been noticing some changes in my body from working out so much. Someone at work the other day asked if I was losing weight again, so obviously others were noticing something I wasnt yet. I thought maybe my jeans were getting looser because they were getting stretched out, but the reality is, I am changing and its been so long that I just assumed it was something else.

This is going to be one of those weekends though where its going to be tough to stay on track. Tonight I am going to a coworkers house who is having a small couples get together, and everyone is bringing a snack. I of course am bringing something healthy, but I will likely be the only one. I am going to eat a small dinner before I go so that I dont eat snacks all night, but I know I will have some and a few drinks, and its hard to accept that after my weigh in. But at the same time, I cant always be afraid to enjoy myself either. I am just torn back and forth. Then tomorrow is a cake tasting where, I will be in fact tasting cake. Of course it is necessary to eat because I dont want my wedding cake to taste bad and its not like I am eating giant slices of cake, but then to make matters worse, it is my fiance's office xmas party tomorrow at an italian place so again, more food that is likely to not be healthy and of course, alcohol. I know I always make the best choices I can and this time is no different. That isnt what is hard. Whats hard is that I dotn want to move two steps forward torwards the weight I want, to just move backwards again because I had a weekend where I was in situations where I was not eating the best food for me or what I would want to eat. Thats life I guess right?

Nothing new

I am sure with a title of "nothing new" no one is going to read this post, but there isnt much to report. I weighed in at 157 which is down .4 from last week, but is still no change from 2 weeks ago. Yes, its frustrating. But again, thats nothing new. TOM is a few days away and I have noticed some bloat. I guess that is one good thing about working out a lot - my stomach pooch has gotten smaller so when I do bloat, I definitely notice it. But I hate to blame any gain or no change on TOM. I guess Im just said that for 2 weeks I have been SPOT on with everything. Im eating enough and enough of the right things, working out 5 days a week, and the weights not going anywhere. Ive only been weighing myself once a week instead of 3. Ive been incorporating some new foods into my diet to make sure I am getting enough protein. All of these things are good things, and I do feel good. Its not that I feel like any of it is worthless because the scale doesnt show me what I want to see. I will continue to do what Im doing. But wouldnt it be nice to see SOME payoff? I guess my pay off is that in 40-50 years, I will be one healthy granny.

Weight and Thoughts

Weight today is 157.4. That is up .4 from last week. Im not going to lie, I am disapointed that I didnt lose anything this week. Im not going to get all upset over .4, but even still I thought I was on to something with this whole calorie tracking thing. Im happy that Im still 157 since I was like 159 for 2 months, but its frustrating that I seem to be doing everything I should be doing, and Im not losing weight. If its a simple calculation of calories in and calories out, and I am indeed burning more calories than I am taking in, why is the weight not reflecting that? Those are just my thoughts on that. I only got 4 days of exercise in which is still good, but I wish I hadnt had to miss my workout yesterday.

I have had a lot of other thoughts and questions this week about society in general. Such as, how did we get to this point that eating unhealthy is the "norm"? Why do we feel we need to eat large quantities of food to be full and satisfied? Why do we think we need processed and fast foods? All week long I have been in situations where I have felt almost like me choosing to eat healthy is somehow strange. A few examples.

Yesterday was the office xmas party that took place at a bowling alley. It was free drinks and the dinner provided was pizza, pasta, and breadsticks. Thankfully there was also a salad. I knew that I wasnt going to stay for the bowling portion of the evening, so I planned on eating a late snack in the afternoon, having some salad, and eating dinner at my house. Its not that I dont think a treat of controlled portions of pizza or salad is wrong, its just not a choice I wanted to make. Prior to the party which started after work, I went to the store with another coworker and friend to kill some time. When we got to the party, more than one person came up to us and asked if we had gone out to "get Heather something to eat" as if I was some special person that needed to do that. It bothered me that I had been a topic of conversation, and that so many people were discussing my eating habits. When it was food time, I got the salad I had planned and then had to endure so many questions of why I was eating only salad, why wasnt I having pizza, why wasnt I having breadsticks? Should it be the othre way around? Shouldnt there be more people asking, how can you put that pizza or pasta in your stomach? How can you eat a meal that contains almost nothing of nutritional value or gives you any fuel? Yet somehow I am the strange one. There were people eating so much and then commenting to me that I was eating so little. I was actually really satisfied with the salad and knew that I would be fine until I got home and ate the healthy dinner I had planned. Why does mass quantities of food mean that you are satisfied? Why can say whether or not a person is satisfied or not by what they are eating?

I was in the grocery store today after work and was waiting in line to check out. There was one of those older people in front of me that likes to talk, and he was talking to the woman in front of him and not me (thankfully). I overheard their conversation which consisted of him telling her about how he likes these TV dinners. He had put about 20 on the belt, I think it were those Celeste dinners. He was asking her if she liked them and she said that no, she didnt because they were loaded with sodium. The man was so shocked by this and was disagreeing with her. She said, look at the back of the box and he did. He read the amount out and still didnt see anything wrong with it. The woman said, that is more sodium than a person needs in a day, and you are eating it in one meal. They agreed to disagree, but I was really shocked to think that someone really has no idea or really cares about what they are putting in their body. Dont get me wrong, I have bought my share of Lean Cuisines or Kashi frozen meals from time to time, but I at least understand that they contain a lot of sodium so I dont eat them often and am aware I need to drink more water. To make that your dinner every night and not even look at what you are actually eating and what it means really dumbfounds me. Again, how have we gotten like this as a society?

I realize this isnt everyone and there are a lot of people out there who eat healthy. I just hate how I am made to feel like eating healthy is wrong, or that it is not the "norm". That there must be something wrong with me, that I have strange eating habits, or that I have an eating disorder. In all reality, it doesnt really matter. I do what I need to do and will reap the benefits of it healthwise. Its just hard to constantly be put in situations where you feel like this or have to worry about healthy options available or being judged when it seems like it should be the other way around. I would never dare to tell someone what they should or should not eat, or tell them when or how to be satisfied or full. Why do I have to get stares in a room as people realize I am the only one not eating pizza and pasta?

Xmas is over

I survived another xmas with the family and it wasnt horrible. I had no idea what to expect since my sister came home with a broken heart after being dumped by her boyfriend (which resurfaced on xmas even when she saw a pic of him and a new girl on facebook) and my brother failed out of his last semester at college. I thought for sure it would be arguing and fighting, but actually, we all did the best we could. This was the hardest year to be away from my fiance, but at least I know that next year we will be together and start our own traditions, which hopefully involve less food and more exercise!

I didnt do an ounce of exercise over the past week and I feel horrible. Right after I finish typing this up, Im gearing up the Jillian Michaels dvds and i know Ill be in for a nice butt kicking that will make me regret my lack of movement the past week. I actually was fairly busy most of the time, but I definitely could have done something and I chose not too. That I definitely regret, especially since I ate my share of cookies and other treats. I dont feel I went completely overboard, but as good as I was doing before I left, I know anything I lost is definitely back on. But at least I know that its not permanent. I hate how this feels and if anything, I am more than enough motivated to pick up the healthy eating and working out. I threw out the remaining cookies and gave some to my fiance's parents, have eaten healthy all day, and like I said, am gearing up for the workout. Sparkpeople is up on my screen again and I will continue my "experiment" to see what results I can get in the new year.

I hope you all faired well throughout the holidays and have a happy new year!

Me with my sister, dad, and brother

The experiment - week 1 results

I seem to have some interesting results from my experiment. As I mentioned last week, I was going to eat as I normally do and track everything in spark people. I was suspicious that I was eating either too little or too much.

Happily I found out that I am eating slightly under but not that much under what is recommended (1400 calories). Not that eating too little is a good thing, but I guess its better than finding out you are eating too much. I also found out that I dont always eat enough protein, and I often do not eat enough carbs either. So that is all really good information to have and I plan to make some changes with what im eating to get more of both in my diet.

I also found that the creamer I use in my coffee just on weekends (use the office creamer while at work) is really high in calories and contributes a lot more than I was thinking it was, even with just 4 servings. So I cut back on that big time. I liked that I was able to see that and make changes accordingly.

I actually went from 159 to 157.6 last week which was pretty awesome, and then I had a sneaking suspicion that I have fallen victim to what many people do - they stop measuring and weighing their food, and they are actually eating more of it than they realize. I think the simple fact that I started doing that again really helped and my weight definitely reflected that. I would say that this was enough to get me on a roll again, but today I was back up to 159. I was disapointed by that as I have been diligently weighing and measuring everything thinking that was the culprit, but apparently not. Not that I plan on stopping, but I was hoping that was the culprit. I guess it could still be and I just am bloated today from TOM approaching or something else.

In any case, I feel a lot more knowledgeable than I was before about what im eating, and Im also glad to see that what I am eating is for the most part, the right thing. At least when I see that Im getting enough fat for example, I know that its the right kind of fat. Those were the mistakes I used to make a long time ago when I struggled to lose weight. I thought, as long as I eat X calories, X fat, X carbs, I will be fine. And I would fill those numbers with whatever I wanted and they were not healthy choices. Now I am eating the right foods and staying within the right ranges, and that feels good.

In the exercise department, I feel like I am kicking ass. I completed the Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred which feels amazing. I remember on Day 1, I struggled to get through it as it is a pretty good workout for a 25 min. workout. Now I have much better endurance and strength, and I moved on to her other 2 dvds which are Boosting Metabolism and Trouble Spots. Both are more difficult than the 30 day shred and I feel like that better prepared me to take on these beasts. I am sore all over from 2 days of both, but its a good feeling. I also got an early xmas present which was the Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010 for the Wi, and it is pretty awesome too. Not quite as good as some of the moves in the dvds using weights, but I did a ciruit on the game and it worked me out pretty good. I highly recommend it as I had heard negative things about the 2009 game, but much better things about this 2010 game and I have to agree.

Now I just need to hope all this hard work pays off and I start to see the changes that i want. If only it wasnt Christmas and facing all sorts of temptations over the next week while I am at home in PA. I always do the best I can and that will have to do while I am gone. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

The experiment

Yes, Im still here. Man I have been busy the last month. So many thing happening at work (mostly bad), then there was Thanksgiving, now there's xmas coming up which means parties and gifts and gift wrapping etc. I feel like I never have time to just write. Part of it is that I feel like I am the same old thing to write - weights the same, exercising my butt off, nothings changing, blah blah blah. After a while, I know that there is nothing anyone can really say about that.

I have reached a point though where I need to figure out why Im not losing any more weight. Hence the title of this post - I have started to do an experiment this week. Since I do not count calories, rather eat x amount of protein, startch, veggies, etc., I was curious as to whether or not I was eating too much, or too little. Obviously either can affect weight loss, so I decided to find out exactly what I have been eating. So starting yesterday, I began tracking my food in sparkpeople, which is a site I used in the past when I was doing WW. I set a goal weight of 150 which is a 9 pound loss, and a target date of June 16th. The site indicated I should be eating 1460-1810 calories a day. I am not sure if this is pretty typical for someone of my height and weight, as well as activity level, to be eating to lose weight, but I trust the site, so Im going with it. I will report back at the end of the week to see if I am eating too much or too little a day. For this first "phase", I am not going to do anything differently than I have been, because I really want to see where I am at. Then next week (or likely the following week since next week is xmas), I will make adjustments based upon what I find out. If I am eating too much, I will cut back. If I am eating too little, I will eat more and eat more of the right kinds of food.

So far, I have found that I am eating slightly less or right at that 1460 calorie level. Interesting results so far, but it feels good to start to have some insight into this. The fact is, I work hard at this. I do eat right, and my exercise level has been great. I have been doing circuit training 5 days a week and while I feel great and my endurance has drastically increased, I dont notice any difference in my body and my weight hasnt changed. Something has to give. I know Im not a freak of nature, that there has to be a reason why nothing is changing. Its horribly frustrating, especially with my wedding 10 months away and I havent dropped a single pound or noticed any differences in my body. I need to know what is going on, and I guess this is a step in the right direction.

But Im here, Im still trying to post and I definitely am still reading. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday next week for those who celebrate, and I hope the new year will be kind to everyone!

Still Busy

Just when I thought things slowed down, they got busy again at work and I lost all intentions of writing. But here I am again, hoping this is a slower week and that I can continue to post on a regular basis.

Im glad that things got busy at work again because it means there is work to do and I still have a job. I was put on a project and then taken off because I was so busy and you would think I would be happy that I would have less work to do, but it only caused me to worry even more about my job. To make matters worse, there was something screwed up in one of my databases which caused reports for my client to be incorrect, so now I wake up every day with this horrible feeling in my stomach that this error will cost me my job. It is a sorry state to be in because most people should go through their days feeling pretty ok with things, and I am constantly feeling ok and then suddenly feeling sick as I remember the situation I am in. Last week sucked, and I got like 2 days of exercise in. Better than nothing, but not what I wanted.

I did not have a very good weekend either in regards to food. Actually food was ok, it was the alcohol intake that was not. We went out to dinner with our closest friends who rarely get to come out due to their 5 year old, and I definitely drank away some of my stress. Not something I am proud of, especially after complaining to my friend and matron of honor about how the scale is not budging for me. Not that I do this all the time, but I have nothing to complain about when things like this happen. I guess I used to use food as a way to relieve stress and sometimes I still look for something else now that I dont turn to food anymore. Sometimes its nice to not have this chaos that is mealtime because at least I have one thing that is planned and structured and I know is healthy and good for me. So that is one positive in this post of negatives!