Sunday, October 11, 2009

Still Alive

Im here and still breathing. I hate that I havent updated in a while, but I have been so busy the past few weeks that posting has been the last thing on my mind.

This is a weight loss blog so I am sure that anyone who still checks in on my wants to know how Im doing in that respect. Well to show just how busy I am, I barely even weigh myself anymore. Last time I did I was 158.4 which wasnt too bad. I struggle to find time to exercise, and am only averaging about 1-2 days a week still. I know I need to work on this, especially with a wedding in less than a year now, but I have about 1 hr to myself a day and thats usually spent eating dinner, making my lunch for the next day, paying bills,etc. and then fall into bed. I hate this feeling because I dont like putting a healthy lifestyle on the backburner. It starts to cause feelings of getting fat and I start to imagine that I am gaining weight. Thats why I did step on the scale the one evening, just to confirm that I wasnt. I had been out halloween costume shopping and every costume I tried on was so tight. I really wanted to be a flapper, and every dress was cut straight and not meant for someone with hips. Then I tried a devil costume on that was so tight in my stomach. I was about to give up and I finally found another devil costume, but the experience was horrible. I havent had to worry about fitting into things and now thats all I was experiencing. The feelings of self hatred and body issues were resurfacing, and its very difficult, especially with everything else going on in my life. I havent even had any time for wedding planning.
Speaking of wedding planning, my parents came into town a few weeks ago and were completely on my case about that. They were upset that I wasnt doing more (when clearly I have no time working 12 hr days every day), and my mom is starting to take over things and do them HER way, not with what I want. I got upset because this is my wedding and not hers, and I hate that she wants a wedding that matches her vision, and not mine. It was a very stressful weekend, and one that I didnt want.
Things at my job are horrible right now. We have laid off 5 people in the past 2 weeks, with more to come. Its ironic how I am so worried about losing a job that I hate. I have worked insane hours the past few months, enough to make myself sick, and now on top of this, Ive had to watch coworkers I care about get fired, and have to worry about my own job. While I hate my job, I dont want to get laid off before I find a new one since I am not in any position to be without a paycheck. The atmosphere around the office is horrible. Everyone walks around focused on the layoffs and not their jobs, and we all feel like it could be our last day at any moment. I feel sick every day I have to walk in there and face another day.
I have done a few fun things so my life isnt totally bad. I just wish the fun could balance out the bad since there seems to be way more stress than good times. For my fiance's birthday, we went to a Sox game and had great seats in the skybox:

I also went to the pumpkin farm this weekend with my fiance and had fun in the corn maze (even if it was SO cold outside). I also had a relaxing evening last night - my fiance made a fire, we played board games, and then watched the Blackhawks game under a blanket. One of his kitties even curled up on my lap.

So life isnt all bad - just busy and stressful with fleeting moments of happiness. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I can hang on to my job (at least until I find a better one), get in some wedding planning, and lose some weight.


Cherry Dolphin said...

Oh Heather, I'm sorry to hear about your job. I know that feeling all too well, I was laid off in Feb. this year. I hated my job, but it was still horrible that it happened. I pray the same fate doesn't happen to you. Glad to see you're still blogging! I know I've been MIA for so long :(

MB said...

I froze my butt off doing a corn maze this weekend too.

I can totally relate to the job stress. I was on vacation this past week and I'm dreading going back there tomorrow.

Sounds like you need to have a little talk with your Mom and tell her how much this wedding means to you and what you want it to be. I'm sure she'll understand if you tell her how you honestly feel.

Glad you've been able to get a little fun and relaxation in between all the stress.

Hang in there.