Under Goal

Actually weighed in under goal today at 149.4. Thats a 1.4 loss in the past week which is pretty awesome since Sunday was Easter and I did eat more than I typically would but kept everything pretty much in check. It feels good to meet my goal and then some, and now Ill juse see where it takes me.

I am going to focus on trying to tone up more, especially for the wedding. While I feel really great in my dress (and thanks for all who commented on my pics), I am not really happy with the way my back looks and need some good back exercises if anyone has any recommendations. I did get a few from my last post and those are a great starting point. I think frequency is my problem as well since I tend to do strength training twice a week and only 1 of those days is focus on the back.

I really hate sometimes that I get so focused on certain parts of my body. I know that no one is perfect, and I hate that sometimes I strive to be so. I know it comes from my mother. Not that it is all her fault, but I think the pressure she always put on my sister and I has caused us to really focus too much on appearance and is one reason I believe my sister has an eating disorder. All my life growing up, she criticized my appearance and told me how to look. I was always healthy and thin so she would pick on my clothes or my hair. She would often tell me that I embarrassed her and that I needed to look a certain way so that when we were around people she knew, I would not reflect badly on her. it is one reason I rebelled in high school where I went through a period of wearing clothes that she HATED. She even took me to a counselor because she thought that there was something wrong with me because I didnt want to wear what she wanted me to, and stopped buying me clothes.

As I have gotten older, I have really seen how this has affected me. I could never be one to just run out to the store with my hair up and no makeup on, because in the back of my mind, I hear my moms voice saying that people will be judging me and think I am not a nice looking person. Any time I try something on, I tend to buy bigger because I feel like I need to camouflage amy trouble spots. Whenever I visit my parents, I feel like I have to bring my nicest clothes and be careful what I eat in front of my mom so that she doesnt judge me. I even find myself doing this with my fiance - when we go somewhere where he is meeting coworkers or such, I feel like I need him to dress a certain way so that he puts forth this image that I want others to see. And now with all this wedding stuff, I feel so much of this resurface. I sent my mom a picture of the bridal shower dress I bought and she just responded that I didnt need to get a smaller size, that it looked tight. I actually did buy a smaller size because the top was so big and everyone else I showed it to said that the smaller size was better. My mom then just commented that I needed to be sure that it was appropriate looking. Whatever! And even with my wedding dress last week, when she asked why it was so big and I responded that it was because I had lost 10 pounds and some inches, and she was like, well stop losing weight because I havent lost any. As if it is a contest of some sorts. She never said anything else about the dress or how I looked in it. In my mind, I just think that she doesnt like it or that she is looking at how broad my back looks or whatever.

Yes I have body issues and I probably always will. These thoughts and memories will always stay with me and I will have to fight to remind myself that I am a HEALTHY weight. That my BMI is healthy. That I do look ok, that no one is judging me but me. I want to get over these issues because I would hate to find myself with a daughter one day doing the same thing to her.