Well to make a long story short, I have had a crappy day. I left work early today so I could go to the mall to find something to wear for my boyfriend's christmas party tomorrow. Originally I had an outfit to wear, but then he told me that it was actually really casual this year and that everyone was wearing jeans. Now normally I dress pretty fashionable, but knowing Im going to be around his beautiful coworkers, I felt that I should go out and find something to make myself look nice.
Well I went to a mall that is around here that has every store you can think of. So I went to quite a few ones that now I can fit in: H&M, Express, The Limited, Gap, Nordstroms. No FREAKING luck. I am in those stores and all that there are is size 2s and 4s, etc., and everything looks so teenybopper. I was getting desparate so I said, well why dont you go in Lane Bryant. While Im starting to not fit in that store anymore, I thought that I always found cute clothes there before so it was worth a shot. Anything I found there was too big. So its great that I have officially outgrown LB for tops, now I dont know where to shop! Finally I went to Old Navy and was looking at some cute pants and there were no size 16 to be found in ANYTHING. Or any cute dressy shirts.
I feel so lost. I almost feel like I dont know who I am. I know this sounds dramatic, but I almost feel like I dont know where I belong in terms of clothes, or even what my taste is. When you think about the last time I was able to wear whatever I wanted, I was young. 18-19 would have been the last few years I was thin, and I would shop at Abercrombie and American Eagle. Now those clothes look so high school and are not me at all. But neither is H&M and Express. And I go in there and no one even says hi to me or asks if I need help. In New York and Company, I was the ONLY person in there with about 3 sales people, and not one of them said hello to me. Sorry the FAT girl is attempting to shop at your store! I felt so uncomfortable in there that I just left in a hurry.
To me, clothes define who you are. I dont mean labels or brands. I mean for me, I have always had a personal style. But for the last few years being overweight, that personal style has been dictated by what fit me. So mostly it was Lane Bryant and Torrid where I bought all my clothes. And they were cute! I may have been overweight, but I still dressed myself well and wore cute shirts and jeans. Now I feel like a frump because I dont know where to find cute tops that are myself. I dont see my style in any of these stores.
I am so frustrated right now that I dont even want to go to the party. I will, but I wanted to go there and feel great about myself. I dont know that I can wearing what I will probably be wearing.
I was just trying to vent to my boyfriend but never having been fat, he doesnt get it. And to cap off the day, I came home to find my carbon monoxide detector going off and I had to stand out in the hallway (having to pee and completely starving) until the maintenance man came an hour later because I was too afraid to go inside.
I know things could be worse but I really just hate how I am in this inbetween place...not fat but not skinny, and cant find find my personal style anywhere. I dont know where to shop.
At least I am back down to 175! That is the one positive of the day.