Friday, January 18, 2008

Who Am I

Well to make a long story short, I have had a crappy day. I left work early today so I could go to the mall to find something to wear for my boyfriend's christmas party tomorrow. Originally I had an outfit to wear, but then he told me that it was actually really casual this year and that everyone was wearing jeans. Now normally I dress pretty fashionable, but knowing Im going to be around his beautiful coworkers, I felt that I should go out and find something to make myself look nice.

Well I went to a mall that is around here that has every store you can think of. So I went to quite a few ones that now I can fit in: H&M, Express, The Limited, Gap, Nordstroms. No FREAKING luck. I am in those stores and all that there are is size 2s and 4s, etc., and everything looks so teenybopper. I was getting desparate so I said, well why dont you go in Lane Bryant. While Im starting to not fit in that store anymore, I thought that I always found cute clothes there before so it was worth a shot. Anything I found there was too big. So its great that I have officially outgrown LB for tops, now I dont know where to shop! Finally I went to Old Navy and was looking at some cute pants and there were no size 16 to be found in ANYTHING. Or any cute dressy shirts.

I feel so lost. I almost feel like I dont know who I am. I know this sounds dramatic, but I almost feel like I dont know where I belong in terms of clothes, or even what my taste is. When you think about the last time I was able to wear whatever I wanted, I was young. 18-19 would have been the last few years I was thin, and I would shop at Abercrombie and American Eagle. Now those clothes look so high school and are not me at all. But neither is H&M and Express. And I go in there and no one even says hi to me or asks if I need help. In New York and Company, I was the ONLY person in there with about 3 sales people, and not one of them said hello to me. Sorry the FAT girl is attempting to shop at your store! I felt so uncomfortable in there that I just left in a hurry.

To me, clothes define who you are. I dont mean labels or brands. I mean for me, I have always had a personal style. But for the last few years being overweight, that personal style has been dictated by what fit me. So mostly it was Lane Bryant and Torrid where I bought all my clothes. And they were cute! I may have been overweight, but I still dressed myself well and wore cute shirts and jeans. Now I feel like a frump because I dont know where to find cute tops that are myself. I dont see my style in any of these stores.

I am so frustrated right now that I dont even want to go to the party. I will, but I wanted to go there and feel great about myself. I dont know that I can wearing what I will probably be wearing.

I was just trying to vent to my boyfriend but never having been fat, he doesnt get it. And to cap off the day, I came home to find my carbon monoxide detector going off and I had to stand out in the hallway (having to pee and completely starving) until the maintenance man came an hour later because I was too afraid to go inside.

I know things could be worse but I really just hate how I am in this inbetween place...not fat but not skinny, and cant find find my personal style anywhere. I dont know where to shop.

At least I am back down to 175! That is the one positive of the day.


Scale Junkie said...

Christmas January? Well thats one way to get a jump on the holiday rush! One of my dear friends is your size and she finds lots of cute and fashionable clothes in her size at Macys and Dillards. Have you thought about looking there or another department store? Do you have a Kohls there? I've shopped there with her and she has found a lot of cute things there too. As far as finding your style and what looks good for your shape, I found a site a few months ago called You answer a few questions about your body shape and they recommend clothes that will look good on you. They want you to buy from them but I've just looked on there for idea of styles and found similar in the store because they use common brands.

YAY for being 175, that must feel fabulous!!

Grumpy Chair said...

Gosh I feel your pain. I had the same problem when I lost 30 pounds and could no longer wear plus size clothing but was still the largest "Misses" size. I remember thinking the sales lady was going to redirect to the "Womens" department. Hang in there, maybe we aren't really in a recession, but retailers have lazy workers not willing to help prospective customers.

Have you tried Ann Taylor Loft and Banana Republic yet?

Lauren said...

(((Hug)))It will get better. I'm not there yet, but I can try to understand.

Laura N said...

Do you have a Dress Barn? I know the name is hideous, but they have some pretty classically styled clothes and their misses sizes are cut to fit curvy figures. They have two sides of the store--one for 16W and the other is Misses 16 - 4. So there are women of all sizes in there.

Hope you find something that works for you.

40 by 40 said...

You are so pretty..put on some nice dark jeans, a high heeled shoe or boot and any top...I am not actually sure if this stuff is even "instyle" but it sounds many of the stylish clothes now either make one look pregnant or are so skimpy. Have fun at the party..have a glass of wine to relax and smile...You have come so far! Congrats on being out of LB clothing!

Hanlie said...

First of all, having outgrown the FAT stores is wonderful! You may struggle for a while, but eventually you'll find normal stores that carry things that you can actually see yourself in and fit you. Good luck! Can't wait to see the butterfly emerge from her fat clothes...

Michelle said...

I'm sorry you had a rough day!

I know the feeling about trying to answer the "who am I?" Somebody else in the blogging community has been having that problem too, can't remember who off the top of my head. I think I've become "stagnant" lately because my changes have been happening too quickly. Hope the party's great!