Today was not the best day for me. It has a lot to do with food, but I can gladly say that this post will not be about me giving in to temptation.
First, I want to commend myself for yesterday. It was dinner and a movie with my boyfriend and in the past, this would have meant lots of food at dinner and then a huge popcorn with butter and salt at the movies. But, we went out to dinner at Chilis and I had half a burger and substituted my fries with steamed broccoli. I was stuffed. It was delicious. We went to the movies to see Saw 4 (which was not very good) and I didnt have ANY popcorn. Not only was I proud of this fact, but my boyfriend DID get popcorn and I had to sit there and smell it and listen to it in his mouth. Actually what I did to prevent myself from eating was very simple: I chewed gum. I wouldnt be tempted to mindlessly stick my hand in the bucket, and I dont think popcorn would taste very good after minty gum. Actually I was really still stuffed from dinner as well. So I made some great choices.
Today was hard because I stayed over at my boyfriends house and if anyone remembers one of my other posts about how this relationship has been a factor in why I seem to fail at any diet I do, then you will realize that the day was just filled with temptation after temptation. Breakfast and lunch were fine. We had carved our pumpkin the night before and today we cooked the seeds which was also fine. Then it came time for dinner and his parents said they were going to get pizza. My boyfriend asked if I wanted pizza and I said, well not really, but that he could have some. See its not that I cant have pizza, its just that if I can choose between something that is going to fill me up and I can eat a lot of (like chicken), or something that I can have a limited amount of and is a trigger food like pizza, Id rather have the more filling and healthy food. I explained this to him. Well he got an attitude with me and said, so we can never have pizza again?
This is not the first time that he has tried to make me feel bad for eating healthy. When I first started LAWL, he wanted to go out to the bar and I said fine, I can have 1 drink. He said, well whats the pt, then Im sitting there drinking by myself. He made me feel bad because I am making healthy choices for myself. In no way am I saying to him that he cant do these things or eat pizza. Its just that I am choosing not too.
He is a very supportive boyfriend so I dont want anyone to get the impression that he doesnt care about my efforts, but I also feel like he doesnt get it. He doesnt understand how hard it is to sit there in front of my #1 trigger food and eat just 1 or 2 small pieces and be hungry for the rest of the night. Or how hard it is to keep saying no. I realized tonight that whenever I tell him no to something, he still asks me again. Before this diet, he would ask me, do you want dessert? I would say no. Hed ask again, and maybe Id say no again. But the 3rd time, usually I would give in. Tonight I calmly asked him to ask me something just once. If I said no, then that meant that I didnt want that and to not ask me again. I said that if I changed my mind, I would let him know. Well he didnt like this and got mad at me. I said that I feel like sometimes he is unconsciously sabatoging my efforts because he keeps asking me if I want something and I say no, but he pressures me into.
I hate that I cant be "normal" and eat like a normal person. I should be able to have 2 pieces of pizza and stop. I should be able to control my portions and not eat crap all of the time. But I am not able to right now. I tried to explain to him that once I get to maintenance, I can incorporate some other foods into my diet again, like pizza and that its not as if we can never have it together again. Just not right now.
For gods sakes, if I can be this patient, why cant he?
We resolved the fight and he said he would accept "no" from now on, but it was just a difficult and emotional situation to be in.