So what is wrong with me? Why am I starting to sabotage myself?
Yesterday kevin and I attempted to go car shopping. I was very excited to see if I could actually get a car since the banks all denied me. we get to the dealership, and they had one car. yes, ONE car. this really upset me because by that time, it was too late to go to another dealership because the next one was in the complete opposite direction like almost an hour away.
so I was really depressed after that. Why is it so difficult to find this car and why would a dealership only have 1 car? That is an entry for another diary I suppose, but my depression feelings came back.
So when kevin and I went out to dinner, I splurged. I did look for healthy alternatives, but at that point, I just didnt care. I wanted something to comfort me and for some reason fell to food again.
I had a margarita, 2 slices of bread with butter, 3 mozzeralla sticks, a salad with dressing on the side (good choice), and then chicken fettucine carbonara. what the HELL was I thinking with that entree? in what universe did I think that I could be eating that and trying to lose weight?
yes if I had planned more carefully for this in the day, I probably could have eaten that entree. I could have eliminated the margarita and used that starch for the noodles. The chicken and cheese sauce actually were ok and I still had one protein and a dairy to use. but the bread and mozzerella sticks?
I am really mad that I did this. and I did not feel better. I did drink a lot of water and I did take a carb ender so I can only hope that those 2 things saved me. I also did not finish my meal (it was huge) and I just ended up throwing it in the garbage so I wouldnt eat it again. actually, it really wasnt even that good when I look back on it.
I dont know what my deal is right now and why I am doing this but it needs to stop. I know I am not helpless to my actions, but right now I feel like I am just slipping out of control because I am upset about something.