Saturday, April 11, 2009

Rough Week

It was definitely a rough week this past week. Its ironic that on Monday, I started off the week feeling great and very calm. Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I feel a bit better today which is why I am finally writing, but I know most of the damage is done from the week.

My weight is 158 which isnt too bad, but its still quite high for me. I did some good things this week, but mostly some bad things. I definitely let the stress get to me. I was so busy at work that I was eating lunch at strange times, not eating lunch at all, snacking at wierd times or not eating at all, not drinking enough water, and eating dinner at 9 at night a few nights. Add mising a day of exercise into the bunch, and that is why I weigh 128. Yes, this is the "fun" of having the job that I do.

I did have a Kashi TLC binge experience that I am not proud of. The one good thing is that they were Kashi crackers and not something completely horrible for me. But the point is that I overate and it wasnt because I was hungry, it was because I was stressed. I sat there in my cubicle freaking out about the work I had to do eating and eating those little crackers. Crackers that normally I can eat a serving of and put away.

I am more upset that I let the stress get to me. I certainly have been stressed before at work and have written about it, but I didnt start to let some of my old behaviors sneak in. Granted this was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while at work, it doesnt make it right. I think a lot also has to do with control. The reason things got so bad at work is because I had little control over what was happening. My job for projects is to make them go well and smooth and we have a whole system of how things work in order to get the client what they need on time. I did everything I could, but because this client is our largest client and one that pays us millions of dollars every year, they get away with changing things at the last minute, and I still need to deliver. I was left with a day to check my reports for them, and that is not a healthy way to work. It wasnt my fault and nothing I could do to change the situation. While the rest of the office went home for a half day for Good Friday, I had to stay there practically chained to my desk just to get things checked and ready for Monday. Its not fair, and I got caught up in what isnt fair and let it get the best of me.

Some day I will learn how to get by in life without ever needing food in that way. But that overeater in me is still there and that is why I get afraid sometimes that I will gain the weight back, because that person hasnt entirely left me. I do well most days so I know this isnt the end of the world, but I am disapointed in myself and feel like its hard for me to get on track to just feeling OK again. Easter is tomorrow and there will be food everywhere and its just another source of stress that I just dont want right now. I dont want to leave tomorrow feeling poorly about the choices I made and look back and blame it on stress. I dont want to weigh in on Monday and see a large gain and know that I did this to myself and no one else. There is nothing else to blame. I just have to do the best I can and hope that its enough.


Wei Sic Meow said...

You said it yourself, you just have to do your best. And you also have to not be so hard on yourself. What's done is done nothing can change it so focus on getting through the rest of the weekend. And give yourself a break, you are nowhere near being that same person who ate herself through one stressful situation after another. I know how it is to fear being that person again but try to think about how far you've come and be confident that you will never go there again.

Have a great and stress-free Easter!

Chantelle said...

Sending you love Heather. xx

Have a nice Easter. x

Ceres said...

I hope you're enjoying Easter, Heather! Hopefully things at work won't be as crazy this week.

Most people I know, including those of perfectly normal weight, eat more when they are stressed, and it seems like you had some major stress going on. But what you described hardly qualifies as binging; you just had one instance of mindless, distracted eating. I don't see a pattern here, and it's not like you ate one week's groceries worth of food. Just be kind to yourself, the weight will come off eventually :-)

I do hear you about the fear of going back to your old habits, though. I am very scared of that too, and very often I see my old self resurface and want to eat as if there's no tomorrow. It's a constant battle, and I only hope that with time it will get easier to shut the old self up.

MB said...

It is so hard to keep the stress under control but at least you knew why it was happening and know you have to find better ways to manage or limit the damage done.

I wish we could both find better, less stressful jobs but it doesn't seem likely in this economy (even though I have an interview this week).

I hope you have a less stressful week.

Happy Easter!

Cammy said...

I wish I could say, "Well now, that's just silly," but I can't. For one thing you couldn't hear me, and for another, I feel the exact same way at times.

But you know, it occurs to me that it IS a wee bit silly of us to fear that one little wiggle will unravel everything. We have PROVEN our strength and our commitment, and we should believe in ourselves more. That said, it's definitely NOT silly to be mindful of it and to do everything we can to get back to our new normal.

Wishing you a less stressy week ahead!