It was definitely a rough week this past week. Its ironic that on Monday, I started off the week feeling great and very calm. Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I feel a bit better today which is why I am finally writing, but I know most of the damage is done from the week.
My weight is 158 which isnt too bad, but its still quite high for me. I did some good things this week, but mostly some bad things. I definitely let the stress get to me. I was so busy at work that I was eating lunch at strange times, not eating lunch at all, snacking at wierd times or not eating at all, not drinking enough water, and eating dinner at 9 at night a few nights. Add mising a day of exercise into the bunch, and that is why I weigh 128. Yes, this is the "fun" of having the job that I do.
I did have a Kashi TLC binge experience that I am not proud of. The one good thing is that they were Kashi crackers and not something completely horrible for me. But the point is that I overate and it wasnt because I was hungry, it was because I was stressed. I sat there in my cubicle freaking out about the work I had to do eating and eating those little crackers. Crackers that normally I can eat a serving of and put away.
I am more upset that I let the stress get to me. I certainly have been stressed before at work and have written about it, but I didnt start to let some of my old behaviors sneak in. Granted this was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while at work, it doesnt make it right. I think a lot also has to do with control. The reason things got so bad at work is because I had little control over what was happening. My job for projects is to make them go well and smooth and we have a whole system of how things work in order to get the client what they need on time. I did everything I could, but because this client is our largest client and one that pays us millions of dollars every year, they get away with changing things at the last minute, and I still need to deliver. I was left with a day to check my reports for them, and that is not a healthy way to work. It wasnt my fault and nothing I could do to change the situation. While the rest of the office went home for a half day for Good Friday, I had to stay there practically chained to my desk just to get things checked and ready for Monday. Its not fair, and I got caught up in what isnt fair and let it get the best of me.
Some day I will learn how to get by in life without ever needing food in that way. But that overeater in me is still there and that is why I get afraid sometimes that I will gain the weight back, because that person hasnt entirely left me. I do well most days so I know this isnt the end of the world, but I am disapointed in myself and feel like its hard for me to get on track to just feeling OK again. Easter is tomorrow and there will be food everywhere and its just another source of stress that I just dont want right now. I dont want to leave tomorrow feeling poorly about the choices I made and look back and blame it on stress. I dont want to weigh in on Monday and see a large gain and know that I did this to myself and no one else. There is nothing else to blame. I just have to do the best I can and hope that its enough.