Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Getting there

Down 2 pounds from Monday, so Im heading in the right direction! Ive been eating on track and while I havent had much time for exercise as this week has been busier than I had planned on, I at least feel much better than I did last week. Hopefully I will be down even more on Friday.

Its strange how going home can bring back old feelings of being overweight. Even though I am "healthy" now, I still feel like Im looked at as fat by my family. A big part of it is my sister I am sure. She is a size 0 and is that way because she has an eating disorder. I in no way want her body, but its messed up how I still feel fat when I am around her. I had to constantly remind myself that I am the healthy one - not her. Sure, most people would say I could stand to lose some pounds, but medically, I am healthy when you check my bmi. My sister would not be classified as healthy, yet her body type is so much more ideal by society's standards. Sure, she can wear all types of clothes, but she doesnt have any curves. I dont want her body, but I just cant help but feel the way I do when I am around her and my family. Shes not your typical eating disorder patient in that she doesnt feel ashamed or hide her body. She loves clothes and buys lots of them. She is always fishing for compliments and my mom always tells her how cute her clothes look and rarely tells me that.

I still feel like they are all watching what I eat and thinking, she shouldnt eat that if she wants to stay thin. Im sure they really arent - but I cant help having some of those same feelings. I guess its no suprise that a lot of my issues with food stem from my family and when I go back to see them, they all resurface. The reality is, as much as I love them, I really dont care all that much what they think. That is one reason I love being in IL and they are in PA. I usually have had enough when I visit them of feeling like a child again. Most of the time its great visiting them, but whenever my sister is there, I get these body image issues. It doesnt help that I have a lot of anger issues towards her and what she has put our family through, and then she continues her behaviors.

This wasnt meant to be a depressing entry, but some how it turned out that way!

8 comments: said...

I can so relate, Heather. I've always been the FAT one of the family. Over the years, others have gotten in line with me, but I was the first and the biggest.

This last time I went home was very weird because of my weight loss. And being home does bring up all those family issues that contributed to me being overweight since childhood.

Just today I'm doing some emotional work on a childhood issue - it continues to amaze me that issues from 35+ years back can still impact us.

Thanks for sharing about your visit. It is helpful for me and I'm sure others will find benefit also.


Cammy said...

I'm so fortunate in that my family is incredibly supportive and accommodating of my healthy living changes. They don't always know HOW I'm supposed to eat, but they're really good to ask if a certain meal is on my "diet." (I'm still working on convincing them that it's not a "diet"", but they mean well.)

I'm learning that how others view us and how we *think* they view us are two entirely different animals. I'm just not sure how to tame that beast just yet. :) Maybe we can all work on it together.

Angie said...

Family sucks :)

Nothin' else to say...LOL

purple_moonflower123 said...

Oh man...I can totally relate to how you feel. Family can be so frustrating at times. It is sometimes best to take family in small doses. :-)

chamachama said...
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Laura N said...

They always say you can't choose your family. I wish parents could see how much their choices affect their kids, even as adults. Do you have to go through that again at Christmas? Ugh.

My grandmother had an 80th birthday party a couple weekends ago, and I cannot tell you how many of my extended family commented on what I ate! It was so stupid and it made me mad. I ate what I wanted--including dessert, and several of the (ignorant) men (uncles mostly) said something crass about what I had on my plate. It's just a symbol of why I don't spend time with my extended family anyway.

Sharon said...

Stay strong!

Merry said...

Even when they feel proud of you, a lot of family members have great difficulty saying or showing their pride.
Me, not being family, I can say it. I'm proud of you!