Down 2 pounds from Monday, so Im heading in the right direction! Ive been eating on track and while I havent had much time for exercise as this week has been busier than I had planned on, I at least feel much better than I did last week. Hopefully I will be down even more on Friday.
Its strange how going home can bring back old feelings of being overweight. Even though I am "healthy" now, I still feel like Im looked at as fat by my family. A big part of it is my sister I am sure. She is a size 0 and is that way because she has an eating disorder. I in no way want her body, but its messed up how I still feel fat when I am around her. I had to constantly remind myself that I am the healthy one - not her. Sure, most people would say I could stand to lose some pounds, but medically, I am healthy when you check my bmi. My sister would not be classified as healthy, yet her body type is so much more ideal by society's standards. Sure, she can wear all types of clothes, but she doesnt have any curves. I dont want her body, but I just cant help but feel the way I do when I am around her and my family. Shes not your typical eating disorder patient in that she doesnt feel ashamed or hide her body. She loves clothes and buys lots of them. She is always fishing for compliments and my mom always tells her how cute her clothes look and rarely tells me that.
I still feel like they are all watching what I eat and thinking, she shouldnt eat that if she wants to stay thin. Im sure they really arent - but I cant help having some of those same feelings. I guess its no suprise that a lot of my issues with food stem from my family and when I go back to see them, they all resurface. The reality is, as much as I love them, I really dont care all that much what they think. That is one reason I love being in IL and they are in PA. I usually have had enough when I visit them of feeling like a child again. Most of the time its great visiting them, but whenever my sister is there, I get these body image issues. It doesnt help that I have a lot of anger issues towards her and what she has put our family through, and then she continues her behaviors.
This wasnt meant to be a depressing entry, but some how it turned out that way!