Well I thought a good nights sleep might help me feel better about things. And actually, all through today I felt ok, like, I can do this. I want to thank everyone for the comments they have left. It seems lately not that many people have been reading me, and I need you guys more now than ever. I really appreciate the kind words that you have left. To some this may not seem like a huge ordeal, but it is hard. Its like the loss of something that has helped me make the biggest change of my life and I am mourning it.
But I bought my first scale since 1999 today. It was not a good experience. It reminded me of when a scale was purchased for me in 1999. My mom was insistent I lose weight and somehow convinced me to try atkins before I went back to school for my senior year of college. I spent much of the last part of summer being starving and tired. I had to watch my sister eat pizza hut pizza in front of my face while I had a whole wheat pita filled with hard boiled eggs (beknownst to all of us that she was bulimic and would go throw it up). I remember wanting the pizza and my mom making me feel bad because thats what I wanted. Imagine, a mother wanting her daughter to be unhappy, tired, weak, and ignoring the cues from her body, so that she didnt have to be embarrassed of her. A mother wanting a daughter to go downstairs at night when everyone was sleeping to eat because she was starving and too ashamed to make her mother unhappy and eat in front of her. She bought me a scale and my obsession with the scale started then. I weighed myself constantly after that. When I started WW, it never ended. I got on that scale every day and if it was up or down, I would be so happy or so upset. I was completely obsessed with it. When I gave up on WW, I got rid of the scale, and the only times I weighed in were at the LAWL center. I liked it because it was the same scale, same time of the day, same clothes pretty much. It was consistent and my thing to do. I liked that I didnt have a scale here to obsess over.
But obviously I cant have that experience anymore so I went today to buy one from Target. They didnt have much of a selection but I found one that looked ok and bought it. Came home, and it showed me as having gained 3 pounds!! now yes, I realize that it is a different scale. And yes, I realize it probably is inaccurate because not only did I test it with a 10 pound weight (and showed as 2 pounds), but I also took off my clothes and it showed me at the same exact weight as with my jeans and shirt on.
It was just the principle of it though. Anyone who is working so hard to lose weight will know that seeing even a few OUNCES is enough to make you unhappy. To see this weight, accurate or not, really upset me. It panicked me because it made me think, what if I really did gain some weight, what will I do now without the center? Who is my support now? yes I know realistically I have support all around me. But I feel so depressed right now. I am scared. And seeing that number with 3 pounds added scared me. I have worked so hard to get to where I am at and to have something show that those 3 pounds (which is a little more than a weeks worth of work) is not something I can handle now. I am also worried with a scale here, I will become obsessed again.
I am going to return the scale and buy a nicer, pricier one and take it into the center with me tomorrow and see how consistent it is with the scale I weigh in at. Pray for me that I really didnt suddenly gain 3 pounds overnight. Pray that I will not fail at this without the support I need.