Thursday, December 13, 2007

Stressed and Frustrated

Well I thought a good nights sleep might help me feel better about things. And actually, all through today I felt ok, like, I can do this. I want to thank everyone for the comments they have left. It seems lately not that many people have been reading me, and I need you guys more now than ever. I really appreciate the kind words that you have left. To some this may not seem like a huge ordeal, but it is hard. Its like the loss of something that has helped me make the biggest change of my life and I am mourning it.

But I bought my first scale since 1999 today. It was not a good experience. It reminded me of when a scale was purchased for me in 1999. My mom was insistent I lose weight and somehow convinced me to try atkins before I went back to school for my senior year of college. I spent much of the last part of summer being starving and tired. I had to watch my sister eat pizza hut pizza in front of my face while I had a whole wheat pita filled with hard boiled eggs (beknownst to all of us that she was bulimic and would go throw it up). I remember wanting the pizza and my mom making me feel bad because thats what I wanted. Imagine, a mother wanting her daughter to be unhappy, tired, weak, and ignoring the cues from her body, so that she didnt have to be embarrassed of her. A mother wanting a daughter to go downstairs at night when everyone was sleeping to eat because she was starving and too ashamed to make her mother unhappy and eat in front of her. She bought me a scale and my obsession with the scale started then. I weighed myself constantly after that. When I started WW, it never ended. I got on that scale every day and if it was up or down, I would be so happy or so upset. I was completely obsessed with it. When I gave up on WW, I got rid of the scale, and the only times I weighed in were at the LAWL center. I liked it because it was the same scale, same time of the day, same clothes pretty much. It was consistent and my thing to do. I liked that I didnt have a scale here to obsess over.

But obviously I cant have that experience anymore so I went today to buy one from Target. They didnt have much of a selection but I found one that looked ok and bought it. Came home, and it showed me as having gained 3 pounds!! now yes, I realize that it is a different scale. And yes, I realize it probably is inaccurate because not only did I test it with a 10 pound weight (and showed as 2 pounds), but I also took off my clothes and it showed me at the same exact weight as with my jeans and shirt on.

It was just the principle of it though. Anyone who is working so hard to lose weight will know that seeing even a few OUNCES is enough to make you unhappy. To see this weight, accurate or not, really upset me. It panicked me because it made me think, what if I really did gain some weight, what will I do now without the center? Who is my support now? yes I know realistically I have support all around me. But I feel so depressed right now. I am scared. And seeing that number with 3 pounds added scared me. I have worked so hard to get to where I am at and to have something show that those 3 pounds (which is a little more than a weeks worth of work) is not something I can handle now. I am also worried with a scale here, I will become obsessed again.

I am going to return the scale and buy a nicer, pricier one and take it into the center with me tomorrow and see how consistent it is with the scale I weigh in at. Pray for me that I really didnt suddenly gain 3 pounds overnight. Pray that I will not fail at this without the support I need.


MB said...

You will not fail! I was challenged to stay off the scale until the end of the year. It is really hard not knowing whether I'm up or down a pound (how do I know if I'm in a good mood or bad mood) but I feel like I'm more conscience of what I'm eating and how much I'm working out - not just worrying about the number.

I know you are scared right now but you will be ok. You may not have hundreds of people here but those who are here are behind you 100%. You can do this without LAWL.

Oh, and scales are evil! but if you are looking for a good one, check out this one:

Chubby Chick said...

I think it's a good idea to take that scale back, buy a new one, and take the new one to your weigh-in! But if you think you're going to become obsessed with the scale by having one in the house, don't even buy one. It is not worth the stress right now. Wait awhile until you are adjusted to the whole LAWL thing, and then think about getting a scale.

I'm sorry your mother was so horrible in regard to your weight! That is just wrong, and she had no right to treat you like that. Please don't punish yourself for her mistakes and yes, abuse. (Sorry to say these things about your mother... it's just that I can't imagine anyone acting like that!)

You are a wonderful, beautiful person. You are more than what you weigh. You've made amazing progress so far, and you are not going to forget the valuable lessons that you have learned from your counselors at LAWL. You are armed with a wealth of knowledge now that you never had before. You have loads of success under your belt. Nothing can take that away from you! Nothing can stop you from reaching your goal!

So keep pressing on. You CAN do this... and you WILL do this. I know our support isn't the same as having an official weigh-in at a center and having living, breathing people to speak with you face to face. But we're all here for you in every way that we can be. So know that we will continue to support you!

And I was wondering... are there any people from LAWL who would be interested in having an informal weigh-in and gab session each week at their homes? Is there any way that you could somehow stay connected with these people? A weekly phone call? Anything? Just a thought.


Scale Junkie said...

I wasn't that overweight and I had a Mom who forced me to diet from a young age.

As for the scale, I would go into LAWL with your scale, stand side by side and compare the two numbers. Know in your head that you haven't gained two pounds, you are the same weight no matter what the scale says.

With that in mind, my scale can have a few pounds fluctuation depending on where its placed on the tile floor, it needs to be lined up perfectly so that none of the feet of the scale are in a grout line, if it is, my results can vary by as much as 3 to 4 pounds...freaky!!

Teale said...

A scale is definately something to invest in if you want it to be accurate. The cheap ones are just that... CHEAP!