Yes this will be an X rated entry! Nothing graphic, I promise.
But I was reading Fat Girl's entry on sex and it really made me appreciate the person that I have in my life that loves me. I dont talk a lot about the people in my life as I usually focus on my weight. But, my boyfriend deserves a lot of credit and is a wonderful person.
When I met my boyfriend I was 18 and skinny. I flounced around in shirts that barely covered my pierced belly button and I felt sexy. However, I didnt think that sexy girls ate a lot of food, so when we were together, I would eat very little. I didnt want him to really see how much I wanted to eat. I would spend a whole weekend with him and come home back to my dorm and scarf down food. I earned the nickname, "the Robot", because his friends all wondered how I was able to function on little to no food. Hah, thats what they thought.
After a while I got really comfortable with my boyfriend, and was really surprised to learn that he actually liked that I was able to keep up with him in terms of amount of food and alcohol. So whatever he ate, I ate it too. It was something we shared together. Unfortunately, years of this (and other bad behaviors involving food), I gained the weight that I am now trying so hard to remove.
The thing is, throughout this all, my boyfriend has never once told me that I needed to lose weight, or that I was "fat". My best friend's husband (this was before they got married), once told her that he couldnt be with someone who was overweight (obviously he could). He once told her that they couldnt have sex with her on top because she was too heavy. Now my friend is about the same size as me, heavier now that I have lost weight. but she is in no way severely obese. To hear that someone that she loved could say those things to her was just awful to me. Because my boyfriend was always telling me that I was beautiful. Even when I got to the point where I was embarrassed to be naked in front of him, he would still look at me and tell me that I was "so beautiful".
I am so very thankful that I have found a person like this to be with. Who has loved me for me, rather than just what I look like. Sometimes I wonder, would he have noticed me at this weight? Or, what if we broke up, could I find anyone at this weight? But I try not to think about those things because what matters is that we are together now. If anything, the fact that he could love me thin or fat, makes him all the more a keeper in my book. All of these guys that are starting to notice me now that Im skinnier again almost disgust me. They didnt want me when I was fat. But my boyfriend did. You hear all these stories about women losing weight and the men feeling like the women dont want them anymore now that they could get someone hotter, etc. to validate their new feeling of thin. The thing is, that is just rediculous to me. Someone who will stick by your side and love you no matter what isnt worth trying to find some shallow loser who wouldnt have noticed you if you were wearing a neon sign, just because you were fat.
However, you would think the fact that my boyfriend loves me no matter what would help me feel sexy but I dont. We rarely have sex anymore because I dont like to be naked in front of him. If we do, the lights must be off and I must be under the covers. Gone are the days we would take a shower together in the harsh bathroom light. Gone are the mornings with the light coming in the window. All because I hate how I look. Most people would think its crazy because he loves me no matter what. But I dont love me yet. Not yet. Im starting to get that confidence back and I know I will be able to freely enjoy my sex life. But right now I dont, and thats the one sore spot in this relationship. Because my boyfriend loves me, he wants me to love myself and feel comfortable in my skin and I dont. I got so upset with him a few months ago because I found some porn on his computer and freaked out, thinking that he wanted those skinny nasty girls when the reality was, he doesnt care about the girls, he cares about me. But I feel so poorly about myself that I get jealous about internet porn stars!
I love my boyfriend and am thankful that I have him in my life and for the support he has provided me because he is my biggest champion. He has always thought me beautiful and now I need to start believing that too.