So I thought I would post about my last entry since I think that people really did not understand anything at all that i was trying to write.
This is my blog so I realize that it doesnt really matter if people understand, but I did want to say a few things.
First, since becoming overweight, I lost a lot of my self esteem. I used to be such a confident girl and never cared what anyone ever thought about me. In high school I wore whatever I wanted, not just the trendiest clothes, and people actually always respected me for that.
Becoming fat, I realized just how differently people treat you. I would go out to bars and guys would ignore me or make comments about how fat I was. I would walk to my apartment from campus and guys would shout things out their window at me that were not very nice. Seeing all that and hearing all of that, took a lot out of me. I lost a lot of my self esteem and confidence. When I would speak up, I would be so sure that people were staring at how I looked rather than what I was saying. Im sure that is not the case at all, but that is just how I felt. Some skinny sorority girl could speak up and say something completely stupid and yet everyone agreed with her or listened to her.
I became very bitter in terms of how people treated me. As I said, its not as if I was fat all my life. I could see the difference in how I was treated and I think that really did a number on my self esteem.
Now I really do like myself a lot. I think I am smart and I know im not the ugliest person around. I was able to take care of myself at 21 yrs old and I have done everything in my life that I have wanted to do. Most of it while being fat. So I know weight doesnt hold anyone down. I know that it is quite possible to accomplish many of the things that you want while being overweight. And I am proud of myself for all I have done. Especially when I see my eating disordered sister struggling just to graduate from college.
So do I really care what those girls at the dinner thought of me? No, not really. But as someone who used to be skinny, I wanted my big unveling moment to be when I felt my best. I didnt want them to see me half way through this process, jeans falling off my ass, bad makeup (because I had left my makeup bag at a friends house the night before), and a huge sweater. I wanted them to see me healthy and thin, smiling because I felt comfortable in my own skin.
Those people at the dinner really have nothing to do with how I felt. They are not whats making me feel bad. I am. Until I feel great about myself and how I look, I will still be thinking that my weight is such a factor in how I am treated.
So to answer Teales comment about why do I care? Because I do care what people think about me. Because mostly, I want to see if I am treated differently. I want to see if this weight that I have been using a shield to protect myself all these years and use as excuse for many things is really the way this world is, or if it was all in my mind.
Most of all, because I wanted to walk in a room feeling confident and good about myself. I dont think there is anything wrong with that at all. No matter who is in that room, friends or not, I should be able to do that. I want so very badly to feel that way and that is why I am working on losing this weight, so I dont feel like I did that night.
I know this is hard for people to understand if you have never been thin or never been treated differently because of your weight. Trust me, I realize I still have a lot of issues that came along with this weight to deal with. But what i need is support in how Im feeling right now, so please dont judge me for the things I care about and deem important to me. And really, Im sure theres at least 1 person that everyone wants to show off their new self to. Those people on the biggest loser talk about it all the time. I dont care so much about my boyfriend or family seeing this new self..they loved me despite my size. I want to show all those people out there who hurt me or made me feel as if I wasnt good enough that I am. The difference is while I will be skinny, thats not what will matter. I will feel confident and have that self esteem back that I used to have.