Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday Night

Yes I am actually home on a Friday night, believe it or not.

Actually I was out earlier but came home because I just felt like being alone. I havent had much alone time this week. I had the wake for my boyfriends cousin on Monday night and then went to a concert with a friend last night. So I am sleep deprived and needing some heather time alone.

I went out to a brewery for drinks with my boyfriend and the people that he works with. Now let me tell you about these girls that he works with. One is this beautiful Penelope Cruz looking woman who is always very touchy feeling towards my boyfriend (she is married). The other is a Beyonce duplicate. So you can imagine how I feel when I am around these girls. Now dont get me wrong, they are very nice to me, but nice in the way that girls are to the "fat girl". And if I wasnt dating my boyfriend, I am quite sure they wouldnt be so nice to me.

In any case, I really wasnt ready to see them yet. Yes I have lost a decent amount of weight, but I wanted to have that moment where I could walk in the room and have them be in awe of me. Yes it sounds like a bad after school movie moment, but thats how I wanted it to be. For them to see that I actually was pretty and skinny. Today was not the day and I wasnt ready.

I was tired from the concert last night and also I am discouraged. Not with my weight loss but with how I look. Dont get me wrong, I like how I look very much since losing this weight. What I dont like is trying to find clothes that I like on me. Either everything is too small or too big for me. Obviously Im not going to sqeeze myself into anything small so I am just wearing clothes from about 10-15 pounds ago and I dont exactly feel my sexiest in them. My jeans are hanging in my butt where I used to have a butt, and my boobs have shrunk as well. I had no clue what to wear today. I pulled out one of my fav sweaters which was giant on me. I still wore it which didnt help matters either.

You can see how I went in to this not feeling like a superstar. So I went for the "drinks" even though mine consisted of water. To make matters worse we were not even having dinner, just appetizers. I dont think there was 1 appetizer that was healthy. But I did my best. Considering thats all I ate for a "meal" it wasnt so bad.

So I was surrounded by these girls flauting their beauty and trust me, it is flauting. The one girl makes comments so the men will compliment her and say things about her that are probably really inappropriate for a work gathering.

Have you ever just been tired of trying, of being fake? I just felt like I was there trying too hard to be liked and I dont like these girls. So I left. yes I guess I am the partypooper and by all means, my boyfriend is out there partying with them now Im sure. Im ok with that. They were going to some after hours thing and I didnt want to have to field the questions of why I wasnt drinking (trying to lose weight!). Sometimes though, I dont feel like trying. I just want to be home, in my pjs, with a book. I have always been fiercely independent so Im ok with my boyfriend doing his own thing.

Its just been an emotional week and I seem to be emotional about everything. I am glad I am losing weight. I like how I look. I just wanted to appear at my best and I wasnt ready for that yet. One of the girls did say, oh it looks like youve lost some weight. I wanted to be like, damn straight I have, but I just replied, yes I have. I wanted to say, yeah I wasnt always a fat ass!

In other great news, I lost a pound from Wed, so I was pretty pleased with that. I was a little worried because I had a beer last night at the concert that I didnt plan for, however I was still down today and Im ok with the choice I made. After all, despite this post and sounding old, I really am only 25 and I am "allowed" to drink a beer at a rock concert! So I dont feel bad about the choice I made to give in to that small indulgence.

This was a long post I just realized. But Ive been having a lot of thoughts and feelings lately about my weight and clothes, self esteem, seeing people I havent seen since losing weight, etc. It helps to write it all out, even if it was all over the place.


Kat said...

"Have you ever just been tired of trying, of being fake? I just felt like I was there trying too hard to be liked.."

From your quote above, you have the answer! It seems we humans,are constantly seeking approval and acceptance from others. However we have to come to that place inside ourselves where it doesn't matter what others think or how they view us, what really matters is how God views us, and we ourselves. We can be our own worst critic sometimes and I will be the first to admit many times I'm my own worst enemy lol.

Situations like you explained, I was in before at one time of my life and its depressing. There will always be someone prettier than you, smarter than you, richer than you, etc. Just be who you are and if people don't like that then that's too bad for them! If you don't like who you are, then start changing things.

Hope you have a good rest of your weekend.

Heather said...

Thanks Kat. That is all very true. Its not that I dont like who I am, I just dont have the confidence that i did when I was a lot skinnier. Becoming fat did a lot more to me than just change my appearance. It changed my self esteem too and thats not always so easy to change.

Teale said...

I think it's important to figure out why on earth you'd care so much what these girls think of you. You wanted this "wow" moment where people (that not only are not your friends, but you also don't care too much for) notice your weight loss.... but doesn't it mean more when it comes from friends & those we love? Screw Penelope & Beyonce. Put more stock into how those closest to you notice your efforts!

Chubby Chick said...

I know how you feel about wanting to lose weight and have certain people not see you until you do. That's how it was for me with the recent wedding of my stepdaughter. I had wanted to lose a lot of weight before that event because hubby's size 2 ex was going to be there... but I didn't lose much. I was mad at myself because earlier this year, and had lost a lot of weight... and had gained it all back before the wedding. I would have felt better about myself if I had kept that weight off and had actually lost more before the wedding.

I did end up having a good time... but I felt very uncomfortable. I long for the day when I am thin... and hubby's ex sees me and can't believe how much weight I've lost. I totally get what you're saying.

Those other girls might be thinner than you... but you are gorgeous... and obviously have a much better personality. They sound like total skanks. I can't stand people like that, and if I were you... I wouldn't even want to breathe the same air as them. I'd take a good book over sluts like that any day of the week!