This will be a very long post, but one that is necessary. I have wanted to write about my struggle with weight for a while now, and it goes back pretty far, all the way to high school. So hang in there with me while I go through all of this, because this explains who I am as a person now.
In high school I was quite thin. I never had to think about size. If you had asked me what size I was, I dont think I could even tell you. It didnt matter. I went to a store, found something I liked, just picked a size, and went from there. I never had to worry about whether or not somethign would fit. My friends actually when I look back, were not quite as thin as I was. Most of them were overweight or slightly heavy. I used to love that they would always compliment me and say things like "oh I wish I had your body, heather" or "I wish I could cross my legs as easily as you". And I always had the boyfriends...that was always what made others envious. Boys were somewhat of a game for me. I would see if I could get one to like me, then I would break up with him a day later. I knew that I could have anything I wanted, and at times I was cruel, I am sure I hurt a lot of good guys who did not deserve it. Probably the worst thing I ever did was date a good friend's older brother who every girl at our school wanted to date, and it ended up ruining that relationship with that friend.
Moving on to college, I entered a world where what you wore and what you looked like mattered, and yet didnt matter. You could go to class in your pjs, but come Friday night, you went out to the parties in your most skimpy outfit possible in hopes of attracting some hot boy. I was thrown into this world with an older roommate who had sex with her boyfriend on a regular basis. I went to the stores with her and picked out shirts that barely covered my breasts and attended these parties showing off my body which I had never really done before. While I was always skinny, I grew up in a family where modesty was held in the highest regard. I never even used to wear a bikini. Suddenly I was away from home and could do what I wanted. I got my belly button pierced, I flirted and taunted guys. And I enjoyed it. I met my boyfriend (we have been together for 8 yrs) and I had sex for the first time. I ate and drank what I wanted. By sophmore year I had put on some weight. I was not at all fat, but it was a noticeable difference and a lot of my clothes were tight. This weight gain continued for the next 4 yrs of college until by the time I graduated, I had gained almost 80 pounds. I was fat. I had tried a lot during those years to lose weight: The Atkins diet (which only made me exhausted), aerobics classes (which were fun but coupled with bad eating did nothing for me), and Spinning (which just left me with pain in my va jay jay!). My graduation pictures are embarrassing to me because it was such a proud day for me, and all I think when I look at those pictures is how bad I look.
After college I moved out on my own and began grad school. I started working at a plus size clothing store, and for the first time, I saw that you can be fashionable and overweight. I spent a lot of my associate discount buying sex lingerie to make myself feel more desirable naked. I spent hours perfecting my appearance. I may be fat, but I could still look good! I think I fell into a rut where I just accepted that I was fat and thought I could be happy that way. Finally I reached a point where I was my highest weight and knew that I couldnt accept who I was becoming. I joined Curves and enjoyed working out on a regular basis in an environment that was safe. The gyms in college I went to were filled with sorority girls and I needed to be somewhere where I could be fat and sweaty and feel ok with that. Around that same time I found Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers was my saving grace. It felt great to be able to have a strict regime to follow. That it told me when to stop eating and how much I could eat. I lost 40 pounds on weight watchers, and for the first time in my life, saw how I could be the thin person I was again. A lot of my confidence came back. I bought new, cute clothes. It just always worked for me. I quit Curves and started at a new gym where I could do more than just the same old circuit that was all they had at Curves. I liked that I could get activity points for going to the gym which in turn meant I could eat more.
After almost 2.5 years of being on WW, it finally just stopped working for me and my life. I kept trying to start it and every time I did, my weight stayed the same. I was always hungry and very unhappy. I had started a new job and now that I was up earlier and going for longer hours sitting at a desk, I couldnt eat the same way I had been on weight watchers. There simply was not enough food given to me. I think my metabolism slowed and combined with my low activity level, weight gain just was not happening for me. WW also taught me how to cheat...how to eat junk and still lose weight. Except that I stopped losing weight.
This past August I finally reached a point again where I couldnt stay like this anymore. I knew that WW didnt work for me, and wasnt sure what to do. I knew people who had done Jenny Craig, but I was not interested in eating all of their food. I knew I needed accountability (I did WW online which only holds yourself accountable). I found LA Weight Loss, now called Pure Weight Loss (PWL). From the day I went in there I had hope that it would work. I met tons of women who had lost 80-100 pounds. They were proof it worked. PWL is expensive, I wont lie. But I feel that I am investing this into my future.
Since joining, I have lost almost 10 pounds in almost 2 months. I feel great. I am training myself how to eat again. I am listening to my body and giving it what it needs to survive. I am eating more fruits and vegetables than I ever used to eat. I am drowning my body in water. I feel great and for the first time, I feel that this will be what works. That I will be thin again. That I will have the confidence I used to, but the brains now to know what I have and to appreciate it. I look back at that girl in high school who was cruel and loved the compliments. But I never appreciated what I had or how I looked. And now I think I am a much more beautiful person inside and out, and I would just like the outside to reflect the inner beauty even more. I know I can accomplish it and plan on using this blog to help me do that. Eating and losing weight is very emotional for me and I think writing about all of this will help me more than I probably even know.