Under Goal

Actually weighed in under goal today at 149.4. Thats a 1.4 loss in the past week which is pretty awesome since Sunday was Easter and I did eat more than I typically would but kept everything pretty much in check. It feels good to meet my goal and then some, and now Ill juse see where it takes me.

I am going to focus on trying to tone up more, especially for the wedding. While I feel really great in my dress (and thanks for all who commented on my pics), I am not really happy with the way my back looks and need some good back exercises if anyone has any recommendations. I did get a few from my last post and those are a great starting point. I think frequency is my problem as well since I tend to do strength training twice a week and only 1 of those days is focus on the back.

I really hate sometimes that I get so focused on certain parts of my body. I know that no one is perfect, and I hate that sometimes I strive to be so. I know it comes from my mother. Not that it is all her fault, but I think the pressure she always put on my sister and I has caused us to really focus too much on appearance and is one reason I believe my sister has an eating disorder. All my life growing up, she criticized my appearance and told me how to look. I was always healthy and thin so she would pick on my clothes or my hair. She would often tell me that I embarrassed her and that I needed to look a certain way so that when we were around people she knew, I would not reflect badly on her. it is one reason I rebelled in high school where I went through a period of wearing clothes that she HATED. She even took me to a counselor because she thought that there was something wrong with me because I didnt want to wear what she wanted me to, and stopped buying me clothes.

As I have gotten older, I have really seen how this has affected me. I could never be one to just run out to the store with my hair up and no makeup on, because in the back of my mind, I hear my moms voice saying that people will be judging me and think I am not a nice looking person. Any time I try something on, I tend to buy bigger because I feel like I need to camouflage amy trouble spots. Whenever I visit my parents, I feel like I have to bring my nicest clothes and be careful what I eat in front of my mom so that she doesnt judge me. I even find myself doing this with my fiance - when we go somewhere where he is meeting coworkers or such, I feel like I need him to dress a certain way so that he puts forth this image that I want others to see. And now with all this wedding stuff, I feel so much of this resurface. I sent my mom a picture of the bridal shower dress I bought and she just responded that I didnt need to get a smaller size, that it looked tight. I actually did buy a smaller size because the top was so big and everyone else I showed it to said that the smaller size was better. My mom then just commented that I needed to be sure that it was appropriate looking. Whatever! And even with my wedding dress last week, when she asked why it was so big and I responded that it was because I had lost 10 pounds and some inches, and she was like, well stop losing weight because I havent lost any. As if it is a contest of some sorts. She never said anything else about the dress or how I looked in it. In my mind, I just think that she doesnt like it or that she is looking at how broad my back looks or whatever.

Yes I have body issues and I probably always will. These thoughts and memories will always stay with me and I will have to fight to remind myself that I am a HEALTHY weight. That my BMI is healthy. That I do look ok, that no one is judging me but me. I want to get over these issues because I would hate to find myself with a daughter one day doing the same thing to her.

Getting there

Down 2 pounds from Monday, so Im heading in the right direction! Ive been eating on track and while I havent had much time for exercise as this week has been busier than I had planned on, I at least feel much better than I did last week. Hopefully I will be down even more on Friday.

Its strange how going home can bring back old feelings of being overweight. Even though I am "healthy" now, I still feel like Im looked at as fat by my family. A big part of it is my sister I am sure. She is a size 0 and is that way because she has an eating disorder. I in no way want her body, but its messed up how I still feel fat when I am around her. I had to constantly remind myself that I am the healthy one - not her. Sure, most people would say I could stand to lose some pounds, but medically, I am healthy when you check my bmi. My sister would not be classified as healthy, yet her body type is so much more ideal by society's standards. Sure, she can wear all types of clothes, but she doesnt have any curves. I dont want her body, but I just cant help but feel the way I do when I am around her and my family. Shes not your typical eating disorder patient in that she doesnt feel ashamed or hide her body. She loves clothes and buys lots of them. She is always fishing for compliments and my mom always tells her how cute her clothes look and rarely tells me that.

I still feel like they are all watching what I eat and thinking, she shouldnt eat that if she wants to stay thin. Im sure they really arent - but I cant help having some of those same feelings. I guess its no suprise that a lot of my issues with food stem from my family and when I go back to see them, they all resurface. The reality is, as much as I love them, I really dont care all that much what they think. That is one reason I love being in IL and they are in PA. I usually have had enough when I visit them of feeling like a child again. Most of the time its great visiting them, but whenever my sister is there, I get these body image issues. It doesnt help that I have a lot of anger issues towards her and what she has put our family through, and then she continues her behaviors.

This wasnt meant to be a depressing entry, but some how it turned out that way!

Questions to Myself

There other day Lyn posted some questions she often poses to herself and others that really make you look at how you view food and what it "means" to you. I think its important that everyone look at their honest answers to these questions. I wanted to post my answers:

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat? Anything crunchy or salty: doritos, chex mix. Pizza is another one I will always over eat, same with cheese.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often? Definitely at night. When I was doing WW, I would practically starve myself all day just so I could have enough points to eat the things I wanted at night. I would also sit and eat after a hard day at work or something happened that upset me. Now its kind of interesting that I rarely eat anything after dinner. Maybe I will have a cup of cocoa or some fruit, but never 3 desserts like I used to have!

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate? Usually stress. I would have a bad day at work and think that I "deserved" to eat the food that I was eating. Usually it was hurt as well. Hurt if I had a fight with my boyfriend or parents. And also hatred for myself.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder? I definitely dont think that I do now. But I may have. I cant say that I binged a lot which I would classify by maybe once a week or so, but at least once a month I would go to the store and buy a bunch of foods that I wanted to eat and would come home and eat until I was almost sick. I think it started back in college. On the weekends I wouldnt go see my boyfriend, I would order a large pizza and breadsticks from papa johns and stay in my apartment and eat it all. I would be almost sick but I wanted it eat it all for some reason.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain? I definitely think college was a start. I was on my own and could control what I was doing and didnt have to worry about my mom watching me. My issues with food definitely started at my home where I was always under the critical eye of my mom. At school I could eat when I wanted and make the choices I wanted, and soon I was choosing food to make me feel better or as replacements for other things in my life. Food just because such a wonderful treat and something I looked forward to. I would have a bad day and suddenly, having a brownie would make it just a little bit happier. I would come home from school and again, my mom would watch what I was eating and make me feel like these were "bad" foods that I should not be eating, which of course only made me want to eat them more.

6. Do you 'blame' anyone for your weight? Sometimes I blame my mom. I dont think its a coincidence that my sister has an eating disorder and I became an overeater. I know that I will always have issues about some things that happened when I was growing up. As a joke sometimes I blame my boyfriend too. When we first got together, we would eat out and I wanted to keep up with him. He had a snack, so did I. He wanted donuts at 2 am, so did I. But honestly, no one is to blame except me.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight? Once I was out of college, I would try to exercise, but never stuck with it. I know that definitely did not help. I also think the fact that I would eat so little during the day only set me up to be starving when I got home and eat everything in site. I think my lifestyle in general wasnt exactly conducive to weight loss. I was a grad student working 2-3 jobs at times just to get by and it was hard time in my life where I had little time for exercise and even less time to really think about the food I was putting in my body.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight? Sometimes. I would join Curves and go for a while, but then quit. I would join a new gym, go and like it, then quit. I would buy an exercise dvd and love it, but quit after a while. Im glad that now I can say that I have been exercising consistently for a few months and havent quit!

9. Why did you choose that activity level? Time mostly. Sure anyone could make time (and if I can now, I could have then), but I was really busy. As I said, I worked and went to school, and the little free time I had, I choose to do other things. Laziness would also sum it up too.

10. What made you finally want to change? I never really accepted being in this overweight body. I wanted to try to just be happy, but I never could. I was tired of feeling fat and ugly and knowing people treated me differently because of my weight. I wanted to feel good about myself again. I also wanted to be much healthier. I was tired of food controlling me and wanted to eat it for fuel and give my body foods that helped it ward off illness,disease, and live longer. So many reasons actually, and all I can say is, I am so glad I did!

History of Exercise

Yes who thought I would write a post about exercise huh! But I was thinking about exercise the other day and how it always naturally played a part in my life. It wasnt until now, in my adult life, that it seems to be so hard to find the time. Cliche yes, but very true.

When I was younger, I was a swimmer. I looooved to swim and felt so natural in the water. My grandparents had a sailboat on a lake near our house and in the summer, I used to go to the lake and swim all day. Later on in high school, I ended up trying out for the swim team (didnt make it unfortunately), but was still very skilled and ended up helping the gym teacher teach the swimming class. It was just simply something I enjoyed.

I always disliked running though. I was never a runner. I am one of those people who doesnt have any arches in their feet, and it makes running painful and hard. I look like a duck, and was made fun of in gym class. Whenever we would play softball, no one would pick me because I could hit the ball, but never make it to first base because I was so slow. no one seemed to understand how hard it was! So running was never my thing.

Getting to college, suddenly there wasnt any gym class, but my campus was huge! I got so much exercise in walking around from one part of campus to the other. I made friends with some guys on the other side of campus and spend time walking to and from their dorm. I was getting in exercise without even thinking about it. Whenever I visited my boyfriend on the weekends (we were long distance the whole time I was away at school), one of our favorite things to do was go out at night on this trail near his house that was lit up with these lights and walk and talk. I was exercising without even thinking about it. I just did it, and enjoyed it.

It was about my sophmore year that exercise started becoming a "chore". or something that I had to work at. Sophmore year of college was when I started gaining weight. I was eating a lot of junk food, but then also eating so few calories my body was holding on to anything it could get (that is a WHOLE other story though). I hated how I looked, that nothing fit me right, and that my friends in the dorm were skinnier than me for once. I wasnt exercising, and I came home that summer unhappy with myself. I bought some "Hips and Thighs of Steel" video and did it religiously every night when I came home from work, really believing that I would go back to school in the fall with toned legs and thighs. But exercise doesnt do much when you dont eat right at all.

However, junior year I took Aerobics as a class for credits and LOVED it. we learned all about how our bodies work, and we tried different types of aerobics: kickboxing, step, something called "long and lean", and dance. When the class ended, I paid a membership to the fitness center to take all those classes. And I went for a while. Until I saw no results (again, eating the wrong food combats all hard work), and gave up. I got even heavier that year, and by my senior year of college (after a summer of working at a coffee shop and eating and drinking everything in sight), I was disgusted with myself. A friend started taking a spinning class and I joined her one night. I looooved it! I kept going until she kept bailing out on me. The fitness center wasnt close to my apartment (which was far off campus to begin with), and without her and her car, I stopped going as well. That was when I learned the importance of a GOOD fitness buddy.

At that point, I figured it was my senior year of college, I shold live it up. And I did, and by my graduation, I was 226 pounds. I hate looking at those pictures. That summer after graduation, I moved into my own apartment and worked at a plus size store where I felt ok being overweight, especially since I was the smallest person there. However, every time I looked in the mirror, I felt so horrible about myself. So I made the decision to join Curves. I liked the place a lot, and I felt comfortable there. It wasnt one of those gyms where I felt like everyone was thin and would judge me. However, after doing for a month or two, I got bored with the ciruit and how you couldnt deviate from what was there. I couldnt do the machines I felt like doing or for the length of time I wanted. So I quit. I had started WW around that time and though, hey I can do this without exercise.

And without exercise I was for a long time. I did briefly try going to the YMCA and use their machines, bu never felt comfortable there and their hours were never convenient for me. I quit there too. I hated exercise and felt that nothing was for me. Then over a year ago, I found yoga. It clicked with me and I felt connected to an exercise again. It didnt feel forced, it didnt feel hard to just come home and do it, it felt great. I kept that up for a while, but when WW started failing and I felt lost with my body and being healthy, I stopped it too briefly.

And that is basically where I was until a month ago when I jumped back into this whole thing. My time is limited thats for sure with work. And there are still some things, like running, that I wont do, because I know I dont like. But I have found exercise that I enjoy and I realize that is what it is all about. If you have read all the way through this (long i know!), then you can see I have tried a lot of things, but not since I was younger have I really ENJOYED exercising, or has it been natural. Now I have found a few things that I do enjoy: yoga, pilates, biggest loser dvd (where I can customize what I feel like doing and I like that). I even found a pilates dvd that does the positions to indie rock music (which is my fav type of music), and I love it that it is fun and enjoyable to me.

Its not the same as it was when i was a kid running outside playing "steal the flag" or swimming in the pool, but I am finally finding something that I can do when I find time in my busy life.

Sunday

I am so bad at coming up with interesting titles.

Well I got through another day at my grandmas house yesterday. My boyfriend went with me and I always feel better when he is by my side. My parents and my grandma didnt say much else, but later on my dads aunt and my aunt and uncle showed up and the comments continued. My dads aunt said, well are you starving yourself? Right away, I tried to remember all the advice I had gotten to just let it roll off my back. It was hard, but I just said, no I eat plenty. Then my dads aunt continued with, well you need to eat things that you enjoy. Again, inside I was screaming, I DO ENJOY WHAT I EAT. Because I do, I dont fill my day up with things that I despise to lose weight, I make my choices for what I am craving that day or what I think I will enjoy most, like a bowl of mixed fruit with fat free cool whip on top. But I just answered, no I enjoy what I eat.

Then my aunt said, oh you look fabulous, dont you feel so much better about yourself and have more energy? I liked that she was focused on the health part of losing weight, but it also made me feel like she was indicating that before, I was just this self conscious loser who was huffing and puffing around everywhere.

It doesnt help that most people in my family are very un-health conscious. My grandparents are 2 of the worst people I have ever seen when it comes to eating healthy. Both are extremely overweight with health problems. My dads aunt has heart problems and has had her weight fluctuate drastically over the years. All of them eat in excess and are food pushers. I hate that I am doing this for me, and I have to get comments about it. I hate how I eat the way that people should eat, and its "you have an eating disorder", "are you starving yourself?", "you need to enjoy what you are eating".

Like I posted yesterday, I became fat for a reason. Losing this weight has been hard because of constant challenges, not because my body has been fighting this. My body has LOVED what I hae been doing for it and has rewarded me with dropping this weight. its simple proof that I and I alone, was what was making myself fat. I gave my body the completely wrong things and it "rewarded" me with fat. Now I am giving it fuel and healthy foods and it is dropping the weight because it doesnt need it anymore. Obviously I have a goal to get, but its not as if my body has really let up on this weight loss thing anyways.

I am just glad this weekend is over. I think I have felt more self conscious about myself than I did when I was at my highest weight this weekend. I love compliments and people recognizing my hard work. However, apparently people in my family do not know how to stop at a simple, you look great!

Updating!

Week 29 and while I havent weighed in since Wed, I hope that I am doing pretty well. It bothers me that I dont know where I stand with my weight, but I like to stick to my set way of doing things, and we will see on Monday where I am at.

Valentines day was really nice. My boyfriend sent me flowers at work and they were very beautiful. Yes, I am one of those girls that gets flowers at work. Honestly, I just think its a nice gesture on behalf of my boyfriend. Later on that night, we went out to dinner at a winery they have nearby (that I used to work at actually). We did a winetasting, and then had a great meal and even better conversation. I stayed pretty well on plan. I had steak (which I know would have caused me to be up yesterday on the scale anyways), steamed broccoli, a small bite of the mashed potatoes, and 2 glasses of wine. Then we shared a peach bellini sorbet for dessert, which was so delicious and light. Much better than getting something like the tiramisu or chocolate lava cake. I ended up being quite drunk (so did he), but it was a fun time. I paid the price yesterday as I woke up with a hangover and was chugging water all day and craving some grease. I miss the "hangover breakfasts" I had in college. But definitely not something the "new" healthy me would eat.

Yesterday was kind of rough in regards to my parents being here. Not necessarily foodwise, but just in general. After work, I met my parents at the hospital where my grandpa is. When I walked in the room, everyone made comments about how much weight I have lost. That was fine, its nice to be appreciated for the hard work. But then my grandma would just not drop the whole thing. Making it sound like I am starving myself. It was making me uncomfortable how much she was scrutinizing me. Later on, we went back to my grandmas house and she made manicotti for dinner. Not the best option, but I was able to make it work. I had a small salad and then 1 tube of manicotti. However, I also had a piece of garlic bread which was going over what I allot myself for the day. My grandma has also made a chocolate valentines day cake (God knows why), and tried to push that on me. I said to her many times that I didnt want it, and she had to keep going on and on about the "healthy" me, and saying "when did you care so much about eating healthy". It was actually really offensive. She said, well I have healthy food, here, eat an apple. I said, no I am not hungry anymore.

Then my mom says to me, well I hope you are not taking this to the extreme. Meaning, please dont end up like your sister. Now, I can see why she would be concerned because my sister has an eating disorder and I can understand why she may be concerned about this. But I in no way look like my sister, and I eat and function like a person without an eating disorder. Because I have lost some weight, now suddenly this is an eating disorder?

For years since I gained weight, all I have heard from my mom is how unhealthy I am and how she worries about me. She stopped ever taking me shopping or anything so she wouldnt have to go in the plus size stores. However now I am losing weight and becoming a healthy individual at 171 pounds, and I have to get a lecture on how I am going to the extreme!?! The thing is, my body is doing this naturally. I give it food, healthy unprocessed food, and its doing this on its own. Before, I was giving it crap. That is why I was fat. Now I am eating as people should eat (balanced, in moderation, and with unprocessed foods), and people are suprised the weight comes off? Well Im not! When you give your body what it needs, it responds. It is so offensive to me that I have to endure an evening of scrutiny of my body and my food choices, after years of scrutiny about my weight and being plus size, and its still not good enough!

Only then to come home at midnight, find my carbon monoxide detector is once again going off (this happened a month ago and was replaced with a new battery and unit), and the maintenance man was pissed he was woken up and didnt want to do jackshit about it. I had to call my boyfriend, who drove over here to buy me a new battery and replace it to make sure it was just the battery and not carbon monoxide flooding my apartment. Finally went to bed at 2am.

And thats my life.

Superbowl Sunday

Yes its superbowl sunday and you know what that means....food! I am going with my boyfriend over to a friend's house to watch the game and eat and drink. It should be an okay time...most of the people who will be there are some of my boyfriend's hockey friends and most of them don't really pay much attention to me...or they never used to when I was fat.

A lot of these guys I actually knew my freshman and sophmore year of college. We used to hang out on a weekly basis. However, once I got fat, the majority of them stopped paying any attention to me. Especially the hockey friends. I would go to my boyfriend's hockey games, and none of them would even speak to me after the game when I would tell them "great game" or something like that. I remember even when I was 155 pounds (which on a 5'9 frame is not fat at all), one of the guys said that I was so fat he couldnt pick me up. Nice, huh?

So it will be interesting to go in there having lost 35 pounds and see how things go. Kind of a social experiment if you will. I would rather be going to my other friend's house, the friends that I have had no matter what and the ones who have been there for me through it all. But Im trying to be a good girlfriend and let my boyfriend hang out with some of his friends that he rarely sees.

In regards to food, Im sure there will be plenty of it and I will admit that I am nervous about this. Last night I did have 2 margaritas at a mexican food place we went to. Not really because I was trying to use food to forget my problems...rather I was trying to use alcohol to numb my brain a bit so I didnt think about the fact that I may not have a job. It did work, but I dont like that I did that. Today I want to eat clean and enjoy myself without having to worry about food. I wish I knew what was going to be there, but I plan on eating well before I go so I wont be starving, and then to just make the best choices. I figure there has to be a veggie platter somewhere there. And the host, Tony, actually was very overweight as a child and has spent his life since then working out on a daily basis and eating very healthy. So I think I can probably count on him to provide something that is ok to eat.

On the off subject of the superbowl, last night at this mexican place I went to with my boyfriend, there was a husband and wife out to dinner with their daughter. The daughter was probably 3 or 4 yrs old. Guess what they got her for dinner? A giant plate of fries. And yes, I dont know why there were fries at a mexican restaurant. But I couldnt help but think...this is why America is so overweight. I can understand a child not wanting to eat anything at that kind of restaurant. But feed them before you go...or after. Or bring something for the kids to eat. But dont plop a plate of fries (and it was a GIANT plate) in front of your child and think that you did your job as a parent, so you can go back to drinking your margarita and pretending that you dont have children.

Well I hope you all fair well with the superbowl!

New Day

Well I am trying to be optimistic and enjoy my saturday and not think about the incidents of yesterday. Last night I had some handfuls of popcorn at a friends house that I shouldnt have, but trust me, that is not that bad and in the past, something like that happening would have caused me to binge my heart out.

I appreciate all the kind words though. Basically though at my company, you dont make mistakes. Because we have so many big competitors, we just cant allow that.

My company is one of the leading companies in the world of Employee Engagement surveys. my master's degree is in Industrial - Organizational Psychology, which means I use psychology in the business world to help companies restructure themselves and run smoothly. The engagement area is what my company focuses on. We have a great product which is a standard survey which many well known companies across the world use to survey their workers to find out how engaged they are. My job as a project manager in this company is to set up a survey (web or paper), collect the data, report and analyze their data, and basically tend to their every need during all stages of the survey. Then a consultant will work to help the company understand the results, and then help them fix the problems they have in their organization to help them save money. If employees are not engaged, they are not working, therefore the company is losing money.

So basically, as of yesterday, I failed. I did not help the project move smoothly. I made it worse. Yes as you all said, its not really my fault as I didnt intentionally do anything. However, its a project manager's job to keep the client happy. I did not do that. I made things worse and that is why they can easily go with them.

The specific team I work on, the Survey Technology Center (STC), we work specifically with other consulting firms. There are many firms that do what we do, but dont have the technology to run surveys so they outsource it to us. So basically my company is competing with the clients that STC works with. Thats why my company is a double edged sword..we get the consulting firms and unknowingly to them, also get a lot of the consulting firms clients as well through the larger portion of the company, if that makes sense. In any case, the consulting firm we were running this project through got bought out last spring and basically stopped using STC as their outside vendor. This particular company was about 80% of our business. They only came back this year to do a few projects with us, but they were all our biggest projects. THe project I am working on now that I was talking about yesterday is STC's biggest project. If we lose this project as well as the client, we do not have any business anymore. Hence, anyone in STC will be fired. And yes, it is a very real possibly this client goes because since they got bought out, they have the ability to do this project on their own. And yes, the client will leave because if they want to keep the project themselves, they need to keep their client happy. This particular company had done a survey through another vendor with my client and there were many mistakes and that is why the moved away from them and came to use years ago. Now I have a feeling they will be moving on. Especially if anything else goes wrong.

So you see, it doesnt matter if I do a good job or if I wasnt 100% responsible. If there is no more STC, there are no more jobs for this team. The president doesnt want people who cant make him money or make him lose money. Anyone who is involved with big business understands this. They dont care about people, only money. That is why people at my company are very disposable. They fire and hire people all the time. There are many more people waiting to do my job.

Its kind of ironic too...that a company that specializes in employee engagement would care nothing about the engagement of its own.

So this had nothing to do with weight, but maybe now more of you would understand why I am upset. we have a reputation, we have the best technology and web design, and have some clients you would be SURPRISED to know they even care about this. If I lose money for my company, then I am no longer wanted.

Queen Sized

I had wanted to write about this movie for almost a week now but have been busy with work and with posting for the various challenges I am participating in. But today is the day!

Normally I dont get sucked into those Lifetime movies, but I saw that this one was about weight and because that obviously is something that is a major factor in my life, I taped it and watched it a few nights later.

Basically, the premise of the movie was about a high schooler (the girl from Hairspray) who is very overweight, lives with her single mother who makes her watch her brother while she goes out and has fun as well as is hard on her about her weight, and is teased at school. The kids at the school decide to play a prank on her and nominate her for homecoming queen. To all the "popular" kids surprise, she actually gets the majority vote and the rest of the movie is about this girls inner struggle in accepting who she is and how her weight is not an excuse to hold her back, as well as paralleling a popular girls struggle to find any identity other than being "pretty".

I had several issues with the movie. First though, I think it did portray emotional eating as it really is. This girl would eat whenever she was upset, lonely, or even to spite her mother. I also thought it showed the relationship between a mother and daughter very well. I could see a lot of similarities between my mother and myself in this movie. Especially how I would have to sneak food at night so my mom wouldnt know what I was eating. Also how I would eat to spite her sometimes as if saying, yeah Im fat, so what?

However I thought this movie portrayed fat people in a horrible way. Perhaps not the movie itself, but the leading character. She was grumpy to everyone, especially those that cared for her and tried to help her. She even pushed her best friend at one point in the movie! It also made it seem like all overweight people are frumpy and dont care about their appearance. This girl walked around wearing hideous baggy clothes and her hair pulled back in a ponytail.

I can understand why fat people get stereotyped as people who just eat and eat and thats why they are fat. Because they have no self control. Thats how they were portrayed in this movie anyways. The main character would run home crying and just start shoveling ice cream into her mouth. She would order a pizza instead of eating a healthy meal.

The worst part of the movie was in a scene where the lead character is being asked if the experience made her want to lose weight. She says no! She didnt feel she had to be accepted by society or the "popular" kids. She said her mom was worried about her dying of diabetes like her dad, but yet that didnt seem to phase her. What kind of message is this movie portraying? It seems to convey the message that you should hate yourself and just live with it. Perhaps find a way to cope, but thats who you are and you shouldnt try to change it. Well in my mind you dont have to lose weight to fit into society..you should lose weight to be healthy! So you dont feel miserable about yourself. So you can find ways of coping with the world around you without using food as the vehicle to do that!

Overall, this was an awful movie in more ways than one. If it inspired any overweight person, I would be shocked. All it made me feel is contempt for the main character and very very sad that this is how fat people are being portrayed.

24th Week

I realized today that I would have been starting my 24th week with LAWL. I had paid for 24 weeks, so that means that at this point, I would have either paid for more weeks, or I would have begun the stablization process of keeping my weight at this point. The counselors had assured me that I could lose 2 pounds a week and make it. In the beginning, I was losing 2 pounds a week. Somewhere about half way through, I hit a plateau and was going between 194 and 193 for almost 2 weeks. At that point, I knew I wouldnt make my goal in the 24 weeks that I had paid for.

On one hand, it would have been so nice to have only a week left. It would be nice to weigh 162 right now! It would have been terrific to go to my boyfriends xmas party next saturday having met my goal. However, I realize that I dont mind. That I am completely ok with where I am at now because I have accomplished a lot. I made it through the holidays having lost weight after Thanksgiving, and having gained only 2 pounds after xmas. That is pretty major for me.

Scale Junkie said something in her comment to my last post that really made me think a lot about this. She said she knew I was worried when LAWL closed and I had to do this on my own, but that I have completely made it work for me. She is so very right. I was scared beyond belief of doing this on my own. And I have been for about 4 weeks now. Everyone who posted that I was the one who was making this work, not LAWL, was completely right. I think that I see that more than ever now. LAWL is the plan, but I have made it work. Sure, LAWL gave me the tools to know what I should be eating. They also gave me the accountability I needed in the beginning to make this work long enough to become a habit and 2nd nature. But I am the reason that I have gotten this far. And I think I have done just as good without them as I was with them.

In a way, I realize some things I didnt like about LAWL that I am so glad to not have to deal with. For one, I always hated how they would scrutinize your food diary and even if you had a good loss that week, they would tell you to eat less bananas or apples. I always thought that was completely ridiculous because I didnt get fat eating those kinds of foods. Those are not foods to cut out of your diet. I realized that and played along with them, but now I am free to make the choices that are best for me. I also didnt like how they did place such an emphasis on 2 pounds per week. I rarely lose that anymore, and I was ok with that, but they werent. Im glad I can go on the scale and lose a pound, and celebrate that, rather than having to listen to them suggest ways I could have gotten another pound off.

LAWL changed my life in that it taught me how to lose this weight. What I needed to do to be the person that I wanted to be. Without that, I wouldnt be where I am now. But I am realizing now that I am the reason that this has worked. So even though this would have been my last week if I had lost 2 pounds a week, that is OK and I will treat this week as any other week and keep on going until I am at my goal.

I made it back!

Weighed in at 179.8..so I am back to the 170s! Very happy about this. So this leaves 2 pounds in order to get to 30 pounds lost and my mini goal.

It is a crazy 65 degrees here in Chicago and I am sick as a dog. I feel like absolute crap. Friday I started to ache all over and I have felt horrible, even after plenty of sleep, all weekend. My throat is very sore and my glands protruding so my face looks really swollen. But I am hanging in here and glad to be out of the 180s.

Did anyone catch the show on lifetime on friday called How to Look Good Naked? It was the premiere and I happened to catch it before I went out for the evening.

The premise of the show was that they took a girl who did not like parts of her body, and had her stand in front of a mirror in her bra and underwear and talk about what she saw. They then took this girl and tried to help her see that part of what she saw was in her mind. For example, she thought she had giant hips, but when she placed herself in a lineup of women in their bra and underwear where she thought she belonged in terms of size, she was WAY off. Then they took her out and bought her some new clothes to show that she can dress fashionably and feel good about herself. They had her look at 3 women dressed differently (one in a cute dress, another in a baggy shirt and pants, and then a loose fitting work outfit) to see who weighed the most. She said the one in the baggy shirt. it turns out she was looking at the same woman dressed in the 3 outfits and it showed that how you dress can make you look a lot thinner or heavier. Then she got a makeover and posed nude!

It was an interesting show and Im glad that there is a show out there that is trying to help women of all sizes feel good about themselves no matter what they weigh or what parts of their body they think need a little work. While I agree with all of this, I also dont think its great advice to tell someone who is overweight that they should just accept themselves that way and to not try to become healthier. I think body image is a very important piece, however so is being healthy.

For me personally, I was never able to accept myself being overweight. I truly did try, especially when I worked at a plus size clothing store for a bit and was actually the smallest girl there. I always have dressed very fashionably for being overweight, however I just couldnt be happy, especially in my relationship with my boyfriend. I guess some people can accept how they look and be happy with it, and I think thats wonderful. For me personally, I think as long as one is healthy, then they should feel great about themselves and Im glad there is a show out there that is trying to break a lot of body image myths and stereotypes.

Stressed and Frustrated

Well I thought a good nights sleep might help me feel better about things. And actually, all through today I felt ok, like, I can do this. I want to thank everyone for the comments they have left. It seems lately not that many people have been reading me, and I need you guys more now than ever. I really appreciate the kind words that you have left. To some this may not seem like a huge ordeal, but it is hard. Its like the loss of something that has helped me make the biggest change of my life and I am mourning it.

But I bought my first scale since 1999 today. It was not a good experience. It reminded me of when a scale was purchased for me in 1999. My mom was insistent I lose weight and somehow convinced me to try atkins before I went back to school for my senior year of college. I spent much of the last part of summer being starving and tired. I had to watch my sister eat pizza hut pizza in front of my face while I had a whole wheat pita filled with hard boiled eggs (beknownst to all of us that she was bulimic and would go throw it up). I remember wanting the pizza and my mom making me feel bad because thats what I wanted. Imagine, a mother wanting her daughter to be unhappy, tired, weak, and ignoring the cues from her body, so that she didnt have to be embarrassed of her. A mother wanting a daughter to go downstairs at night when everyone was sleeping to eat because she was starving and too ashamed to make her mother unhappy and eat in front of her. She bought me a scale and my obsession with the scale started then. I weighed myself constantly after that. When I started WW, it never ended. I got on that scale every day and if it was up or down, I would be so happy or so upset. I was completely obsessed with it. When I gave up on WW, I got rid of the scale, and the only times I weighed in were at the LAWL center. I liked it because it was the same scale, same time of the day, same clothes pretty much. It was consistent and my thing to do. I liked that I didnt have a scale here to obsess over.

But obviously I cant have that experience anymore so I went today to buy one from Target. They didnt have much of a selection but I found one that looked ok and bought it. Came home, and it showed me as having gained 3 pounds!! now yes, I realize that it is a different scale. And yes, I realize it probably is inaccurate because not only did I test it with a 10 pound weight (and showed as 2 pounds), but I also took off my clothes and it showed me at the same exact weight as with my jeans and shirt on.

It was just the principle of it though. Anyone who is working so hard to lose weight will know that seeing even a few OUNCES is enough to make you unhappy. To see this weight, accurate or not, really upset me. It panicked me because it made me think, what if I really did gain some weight, what will I do now without the center? Who is my support now? yes I know realistically I have support all around me. But I feel so depressed right now. I am scared. And seeing that number with 3 pounds added scared me. I have worked so hard to get to where I am at and to have something show that those 3 pounds (which is a little more than a weeks worth of work) is not something I can handle now. I am also worried with a scale here, I will become obsessed again.

I am going to return the scale and buy a nicer, pricier one and take it into the center with me tomorrow and see how consistent it is with the scale I weigh in at. Pray for me that I really didnt suddenly gain 3 pounds overnight. Pray that I will not fail at this without the support I need.

Sunday Morning

So I thought I would post about my last entry since I think that people really did not understand anything at all that i was trying to write.

This is my blog so I realize that it doesnt really matter if people understand, but I did want to say a few things.

First, since becoming overweight, I lost a lot of my self esteem. I used to be such a confident girl and never cared what anyone ever thought about me. In high school I wore whatever I wanted, not just the trendiest clothes, and people actually always respected me for that.

Becoming fat, I realized just how differently people treat you. I would go out to bars and guys would ignore me or make comments about how fat I was. I would walk to my apartment from campus and guys would shout things out their window at me that were not very nice. Seeing all that and hearing all of that, took a lot out of me. I lost a lot of my self esteem and confidence. When I would speak up, I would be so sure that people were staring at how I looked rather than what I was saying. Im sure that is not the case at all, but that is just how I felt. Some skinny sorority girl could speak up and say something completely stupid and yet everyone agreed with her or listened to her.

I became very bitter in terms of how people treated me. As I said, its not as if I was fat all my life. I could see the difference in how I was treated and I think that really did a number on my self esteem.

Now I really do like myself a lot. I think I am smart and I know im not the ugliest person around. I was able to take care of myself at 21 yrs old and I have done everything in my life that I have wanted to do. Most of it while being fat. So I know weight doesnt hold anyone down. I know that it is quite possible to accomplish many of the things that you want while being overweight. And I am proud of myself for all I have done. Especially when I see my eating disordered sister struggling just to graduate from college.

So do I really care what those girls at the dinner thought of me? No, not really. But as someone who used to be skinny, I wanted my big unveling moment to be when I felt my best. I didnt want them to see me half way through this process, jeans falling off my ass, bad makeup (because I had left my makeup bag at a friends house the night before), and a huge sweater. I wanted them to see me healthy and thin, smiling because I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Those people at the dinner really have nothing to do with how I felt. They are not whats making me feel bad. I am. Until I feel great about myself and how I look, I will still be thinking that my weight is such a factor in how I am treated.

So to answer Teales comment about why do I care? Because I do care what people think about me. Because mostly, I want to see if I am treated differently. I want to see if this weight that I have been using a shield to protect myself all these years and use as excuse for many things is really the way this world is, or if it was all in my mind.

Most of all, because I wanted to walk in a room feeling confident and good about myself. I dont think there is anything wrong with that at all. No matter who is in that room, friends or not, I should be able to do that. I want so very badly to feel that way and that is why I am working on losing this weight, so I dont feel like I did that night.

I know this is hard for people to understand if you have never been thin or never been treated differently because of your weight. Trust me, I realize I still have a lot of issues that came along with this weight to deal with. But what i need is support in how Im feeling right now, so please dont judge me for the things I care about and deem important to me. And really, Im sure theres at least 1 person that everyone wants to show off their new self to. Those people on the biggest loser talk about it all the time. I dont care so much about my boyfriend or family seeing this new self..they loved me despite my size. I want to show all those people out there who hurt me or made me feel as if I wasnt good enough that I am. The difference is while I will be skinny, thats not what will matter. I will feel confident and have that self esteem back that I used to have.

The Cautious Eater

Yes..that is what I am.

I dont think I have ever shared the assessment that I was given when I started LA Weight Loss. Basically, I had to answer a lot of questions regarding my my eating patterns and feelings. This is what I was assessed as:

The Cautious Eater:

Eating Styles: You may appear on the surface to have "perfect eating habits". You usually are very careful about everything you eat and you are very health and fitness oriented. However, you may find that you are on your "best behavior" during the week, and then splurge on the weekends. You may also find yourself constantly thinking about what to eat next.

Your challenges: There is nothing wrong with being health-conscious. The problem occurs when careful eating goes to the extreme and you obsess about food. Your goal, then, is to have a healthy relationship with food, characterized by balance and moderation.

What may prompt you to eat this way?: Interest in fitness and health, need for control, fear of gaining weight

General Tips: Learn to try and develop a healthy relationship with food, Try to have a balanced meal, incorporating different types of foods, Dont be too hard on yourself if you are not perfect with your eating habits or appearance.

Yes, that assessment is me in a nutshell, pre- LA weight Loss. The part in the first paragraph about "perfect" eating habits and eating great during the week but like crap on the weekends summarized my experience with WW. I would weigh in on Friday so I would eat well all week, and then eat like crap Friday night, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday. Then I would have plenty of time during the week to lose whatever I gained by Friday. Didnt work too well, or I wouldnt be here!

I think the goal listed is important: To have a healthy relationship with food. That is all I really want. They mention always thinking about food, being obsessed with food. That was my life. Its exhausting to think about food all day long. Its nice to be phasing out of that. I dont have to sit and count calories or points, or worry about what Im going to eat. I just listen to my body and give it what it needs. Yes I need help from the counselors at LA Weight Loss in telling me what I should be eating, but I can feel it. I can feel when I dont have enough veggies or fruits. I can feel when I need a starch or a protein. And I give my body what it needs.

The last part says it all though: I shouldnt be too hard on myself. That is key because for example this weekend when I binged at Hooters, I was really hard on myself. I shouldnt be, we all make mistakes and we learn and move on from them. I am too hard on myself and how I look. I am never happy with how I look. Ever since I got fat, I have spent so much money on expensive clothes thinking, well if Im fat, I can at least try to look fashionable. I would buy a new outfit for every occaison and just LABOR over what to wear for certain occaisons..whatever would "disguise" me as a fat person.

Doing LA Weight Loss has changed a lot of my thinking and Im glad to look back on this assessment and see that it WAS me. Its not me anymore. I still need some work on the tips recommended, but I will get there.

Family Disorders

To also understand me and my weight loss issues, I think it is important to write about my family because I think a lot of my issues stem from my family, primarily my mom.

My parents were always very concerned with image and how our family looked. Our house had to be a certain way, all of us children had to look and act a certain way, and my mom wanted my father to act a certain way too. Later on this would cause issues between my parents. Issues they thankfully worked through.

In high school when it was natural to rebel, I didnt want to fall into this cookie cutter image that my mother was trying to force on me of what girls should look like. I started wearing tshirts that had names of bands on them that I liked, such as Rage Against the Machine, Bush, etc. I had this pair of black vinyl pants that I loooved to wear. My mom hated this. Somehow she felt this meant I had problems. So she took me to family counseling. This right there, will always haunt me because what mother tells her daugher she has problems for wanting to dress differently than everyone else, to be different and unique? Luckily the therapist agreed with me and basically told my mom that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was actually more mentally healthy than most girls at my age. My mom did not like to hear this and so she stopped counseling. Really, she was the one who needed counseling.

So all through high school my mom punished me. She wouldnt buy me any clothes that she did not like. She bought my sister tons of clothes because she felt that they were appropriate clothes. My sister was the pride and joy of our family. I overheard my mom telling my dad one day that she had nothing to be proud of when it came to be. That other teachers at her school were bragging about their daughters and she had nothing to say about me. That hurt and to this day, I will always remember that.

I went on to college and actually started dressing how I liked which was more socially acceptable I guess than the band tshirts of my youth. Actually though, Im glad I rebelled in high school and wanted to be different. I think it gave me a strong sense of self and that is something that I am always admired and commended for. I listen to my gut instincts, I trust in myself. I dont have to be like everyone else or fall into the various trends. I also think it has kept me going all these years being overweight and not socially accepted.

It was in college that I learned my sister had an eating disorder. Going back slightly, my sister lost a lot of weight her last year of high school. My parents tried to figure out what was wrong as my sister was very athletic. Had she not given up everything to dive into her disease, she could have gotten a softball scholarship as she was the best pitcher in all of our town and neighboring towns. She would spend hours in the bathroom with diarrhea all of the time. My parents took her to doctor after doctor who didnt know what she had...IBS? colon or kidney problems? thyroid problems? I would come home from school and my parents would barely pay any attention to me. It was all about my sister and how she felt and what she could do. My mom would promise me something and then if my sister wanted it, she would just take it and my mom would say, well she is sick. My sister acted like a spoiled brat and this ruined my relationship with my mom even more as she just didnt pay attention to me. And I feel bad for my brother all those years, trapped in that house barely even existing in my parents eyes. My parents spend tons and tons of money on my sister trying to find out what was wrong. They took her to the Mayo clinic even. No dr knew what her problem was. I think it was asked, do you have an eating disorder, but my sister always said no, and no one in my family could ever believe that she would do that anyways. My dad lost his job due to the money spent on insurance as well as time had to take off to take care of her. My family consequently moved away from me from IL to PA.

My senior year of college was the year my sister went away to college for the first time. AFter she left, my mom found a journal that described what my sister had been doing. My sister had been abusing laxatives for about a year. That is why she was always in the bathroom and why she was always being hospitalized. When you abuse laxatives, the levels in your body go all crazy and you are extremely dehydrated. That is how Terry Schaivo ended up in the hospital, a living potato. My family was in turmoil. Everyone was concerned, however we all felt deceit in different levels. My mom mostly because she had been so close with her. Me because I had come home to being ignored when it was all for nothing. My dad because of all the money spent on figuring out what was wrong when she could have just told us.

My parents stuck her in a hospital. She learned the tricks and got out and played the game. She became bulimic. When that was discovered, anorexic. To this day she is everything. She abuses laxatives, has tried to commit suicide, is bulimic and doesnt eat.

All of this to look good and be thin. What has it gotten her? Nothing. She has messed up any relationship she has had with a friend or boyfriend because she cannot be honest about who she is and her problems. She lies constantly to make herself sound better. My mother taught her perfectly to have a certain image and to attain it at all costs.

I hate my sister. And I know how that sounds. She is sick yes. I was a psychology major, I know about mental diseases. However I also know that if you are sick, you need help. She doesnt want help. She has been offered and given help many times. What she has done on those occaisons is steal the money from my mom and spend it on herself. She comes home to my parents house and cannot even respect them and their rules. She leaves vomit stains on the carpets and rugs. She leaves vomit in the shower, on washrags. She hides food in drawers and attacts bugs. Her teeth are yellow and decaying. Her fingers are stained. She stayed with me last Christmas to not have to stay with my parents. And she disrespected me. I left to go on a date with my boyfriend and while I was gone, she ate all of my food, and all of the christmas cookies and things my mom had made for me. She left crumbs and hot chocolate packets everywhere. She left vomit stains in my toilet. I hated my own apartment when she was there.

She is someone who needs help and doesnt want it. And it is hard for people to understand my hatred of her but it is what it is. The reason I write all of this is because it does affect me and my weight loss. It affects me because we are both from the same family and essentially we both have eating disorders. She is clinically diagnosed and hers is certainly more serious, but I went the other way and used food as comfort and as reward. I wanted to show people you could be fat and happy and accomplish things while she was thin and socially acceptable, yet failing in every aspect of her life.

Now I realize that there is a happy medium. I dont have to be her. I dont have to be the way I have been. I can be HEALTHY. that is all that really matters. Food should not be a reward or a comfort. It is a way to survive. That is what we both have in common, she hates food and deprives her body of it and its killing her. I loved food, especially food that was not healthy and was not giving my body what it needed either, which would have slowly killed me too.

For her, it was probably all the years of hearing about how important image was in our family and to not be an embarassment to our family. She saw how I had to go to counseling, she saw how my mom criticized me in college when I began to gain weight. The moment I clearly remember is the day I came home for the summer from sophmore year. My mom had been acting weird all day to me and I couldnt figure out why. Later on that night she came into my room and said, we need to go shopping tomorrow, you look horrible in all of your clothes. You have gained too much weight. That was hurtful to me and my mom could not comprehend why I would be upset? She said that its her job as a mother to tell her daughter when she looks bad to help change it. Last time I checked, its a mothers job to love her daugher no matter what. But my sister saw that and saw how to make my mother love her. And we each went our own way.

Today I have a better relationship with my mom because I think she realizes she is responsible partly for my sisters eating disorder. However I still always feel that she is watching what I eat, or looking at me in my clothes. When I lost a lot of that weight on WW, she always complimented me and told me how good I looked. Now that most of it is back on, she rarely says anything. Any time I go to visit my family, I meticulously pick out my clothes, the ones that make me look less fat and will hold up under her eye. This summer we went to Cedar point and I had to be in a bathing suit in front of her. It was very uncomfortable. Most of the time I feel ok with how I look to a certain extent, but whenever I am in front of her, I feel horrible. I dont like feeling judged and watched. But that is my life. And that is how I got to where I am now.

History

This will be a very long post, but one that is necessary. I have wanted to write about my struggle with weight for a while now, and it goes back pretty far, all the way to high school. So hang in there with me while I go through all of this, because this explains who I am as a person now.

In high school I was quite thin. I never had to think about size. If you had asked me what size I was, I dont think I could even tell you. It didnt matter. I went to a store, found something I liked, just picked a size, and went from there. I never had to worry about whether or not somethign would fit. My friends actually when I look back, were not quite as thin as I was. Most of them were overweight or slightly heavy. I used to love that they would always compliment me and say things like "oh I wish I had your body, heather" or "I wish I could cross my legs as easily as you". And I always had the boyfriends...that was always what made others envious. Boys were somewhat of a game for me. I would see if I could get one to like me, then I would break up with him a day later. I knew that I could have anything I wanted, and at times I was cruel, I am sure I hurt a lot of good guys who did not deserve it. Probably the worst thing I ever did was date a good friend's older brother who every girl at our school wanted to date, and it ended up ruining that relationship with that friend.

Moving on to college, I entered a world where what you wore and what you looked like mattered, and yet didnt matter. You could go to class in your pjs, but come Friday night, you went out to the parties in your most skimpy outfit possible in hopes of attracting some hot boy. I was thrown into this world with an older roommate who had sex with her boyfriend on a regular basis. I went to the stores with her and picked out shirts that barely covered my breasts and attended these parties showing off my body which I had never really done before. While I was always skinny, I grew up in a family where modesty was held in the highest regard. I never even used to wear a bikini. Suddenly I was away from home and could do what I wanted. I got my belly button pierced, I flirted and taunted guys. And I enjoyed it. I met my boyfriend (we have been together for 8 yrs) and I had sex for the first time. I ate and drank what I wanted. By sophmore year I had put on some weight. I was not at all fat, but it was a noticeable difference and a lot of my clothes were tight. This weight gain continued for the next 4 yrs of college until by the time I graduated, I had gained almost 80 pounds. I was fat. I had tried a lot during those years to lose weight: The Atkins diet (which only made me exhausted), aerobics classes (which were fun but coupled with bad eating did nothing for me), and Spinning (which just left me with pain in my va jay jay!). My graduation pictures are embarrassing to me because it was such a proud day for me, and all I think when I look at those pictures is how bad I look.

After college I moved out on my own and began grad school. I started working at a plus size clothing store, and for the first time, I saw that you can be fashionable and overweight. I spent a lot of my associate discount buying sex lingerie to make myself feel more desirable naked. I spent hours perfecting my appearance. I may be fat, but I could still look good! I think I fell into a rut where I just accepted that I was fat and thought I could be happy that way. Finally I reached a point where I was my highest weight and knew that I couldnt accept who I was becoming. I joined Curves and enjoyed working out on a regular basis in an environment that was safe. The gyms in college I went to were filled with sorority girls and I needed to be somewhere where I could be fat and sweaty and feel ok with that. Around that same time I found Weight Watchers. Weight Watchers was my saving grace. It felt great to be able to have a strict regime to follow. That it told me when to stop eating and how much I could eat. I lost 40 pounds on weight watchers, and for the first time in my life, saw how I could be the thin person I was again. A lot of my confidence came back. I bought new, cute clothes. It just always worked for me. I quit Curves and started at a new gym where I could do more than just the same old circuit that was all they had at Curves. I liked that I could get activity points for going to the gym which in turn meant I could eat more.

After almost 2.5 years of being on WW, it finally just stopped working for me and my life. I kept trying to start it and every time I did, my weight stayed the same. I was always hungry and very unhappy. I had started a new job and now that I was up earlier and going for longer hours sitting at a desk, I couldnt eat the same way I had been on weight watchers. There simply was not enough food given to me. I think my metabolism slowed and combined with my low activity level, weight gain just was not happening for me. WW also taught me how to cheat...how to eat junk and still lose weight. Except that I stopped losing weight.

This past August I finally reached a point again where I couldnt stay like this anymore. I knew that WW didnt work for me, and wasnt sure what to do. I knew people who had done Jenny Craig, but I was not interested in eating all of their food. I knew I needed accountability (I did WW online which only holds yourself accountable). I found LA Weight Loss, now called Pure Weight Loss (PWL). From the day I went in there I had hope that it would work. I met tons of women who had lost 80-100 pounds. They were proof it worked. PWL is expensive, I wont lie. But I feel that I am investing this into my future.

Since joining, I have lost almost 10 pounds in almost 2 months. I feel great. I am training myself how to eat again. I am listening to my body and giving it what it needs to survive. I am eating more fruits and vegetables than I ever used to eat. I am drowning my body in water. I feel great and for the first time, I feel that this will be what works. That I will be thin again. That I will have the confidence I used to, but the brains now to know what I have and to appreciate it. I look back at that girl in high school who was cruel and loved the compliments. But I never appreciated what I had or how I looked. And now I think I am a much more beautiful person inside and out, and I would just like the outside to reflect the inner beauty even more. I know I can accomplish it and plan on using this blog to help me do that. Eating and losing weight is very emotional for me and I think writing about all of this will help me more than I probably even know.