Setting Her Free

2011-11-10T08:50:00.001-06:00

I am a horrible blogger and feel so bad that I just up and left, and stopped reading anything in my google reader. I cant complain - life is good and I am enjoying being married and doing well at my job. In terms of my weight and health, i couldnt be doing better. I am currently maintaining 143 pounds, exercise 5 days a week, and ran my first 5k back in September. I guess with my priorities lying elsewhere, I just didnt have time to devote to writing or reading. I really appreciate all of the support I had along the way of my journey and I still care about those that were there for me and wish everyone well. Hopefully one of these days I have time to come back and devote more time and be a better supporter!

Slacker

2010-12-05T11:33:00.014-06:00

Yes I have been slacking off again with this blog. I was SO ready to jump back into blogging but I guess my life hasnt really settled down much after the wedding as I thought it would. I was traveling for work, and then it was Thanksgiving, and so the story goes.

For a while there with the traveling, my weight was not going in the direction I wanted. I think I got back up to 147.8 and had a mild freak out because I havent been over 145 in months. But I calmed myself down and realized it was lack of exercise and proper food that was the cause, and I was glad to see I was back down to 145.8 this past week. Still a bit higher than I would like, but I had two Thanksgiving meals (one with family, one with friends), so after that I couldnt really expect to be back down to 144. Even with the 3 pound gain, it was messing with my mind. Suddenly I felt really fat and gross, and we went to a party last weekend where I felt like the fattest person in the room. Its not that I want to continue to lose any more weight - I think my fear is gaining weight and gaining it all back, even after 2 years of losing and maintaining. Even the littlest gain makes me worry. I hate feeling this way but I also feel like I need to be on top of this so that if I do see a gain, I find out why and what I can do so that it doesnt continue to be gain after gain. I am just worried about that feeling of helplessness of gains that I cant control. Yes even this long being away from 226 I still have these fears.

That is really all that is on my mind right now. Here are some profession

al wedding pics to enjoy:

Overdue post

2010-10-29T12:13:00.016-05:00

Yes I have returned for a MUCH overdue post. I feel so bad that I have neglected this blog and all my blogger friends, but sometimes you have to prioritize and these past few months have unfortunately put this blog on the backburner.

But here I am, finally married and with things settled down, I can get back into this again. There is no way I can really sum up the past 2 months as they have been so wonderful. Despite closing out the biggest project I receive all year that happened to coincide exactly with my wedding and being crazy busy, I was able to manage things including my weight and having gotten through it all, I am definitely a bit sad that its all over.

I think last time I posted was prior to my bridal shower, which was such a wonderful day. Since that time I also had my bachelorette party which was amazing. We started the day off getting pinup pictures done which is something I am SO glad that I did. I was nervous to be posing in pinup poses, and I also opted to do a stripdown, which is another way to say that I took my top off although nothing is actually shown. I figured, why not go for it because when am I ever going to look this good or feel this good about myself? After getting the pictures back, I was so happy that I did it because years from now I can look back on those pictures and know that all my hard work at losing weight paid off and that I do love myself just as I am. Not to mention that pinups were never all that skinny so its a nice way to appreciate curves.

Me and my then fiance

My and my bridesmaids at the shower

Me, still dolled up in hair and makup from the pinup shoot

Me and 3/4ths of my bridesmaids

One of the pictures from shoot - my husband and I love our hockey, hence the jersey

And then there was the wedding. It was such an incredible day that nothing will ever top. Things turned out just as I had always dreamed they would. Sure we had a few minor things happen that werent ideal, but nothing that ruined the day at all. It was such an amazing moment to finally be married to my husband who I have been with for 10 yrs, and I have never felt as beautiful as I did that day or as special. At the reception when we entered the room and everyone stood and clapped for us - there are no words to explain how overwhelmed and happy that I felt. I have never felt more beautiful in my life. Not that I only lost weight for the wedding, but I am so glad that I got to where I am now because I look at my pictures and love how I look and I was always afraid when I was 226 pounds that this day would come and I would look back and wish I was thinner. Now I just cant wait to get the real pictures from the photographer, these are just some that other people took which is why we are never looking at the camera.

Just leaving the church

We went to the forest preserve for fall pictures - this is with our matron of honor and best man

Walking hand in hand

Shot of the whole party

Cake time, and yes I did eat the cake (it was delicious)

We took a "mini" honeymoon to Door County, WI which is so beautiful this time of year and it was a perfect getaway. The place we stayed at had a really nice whirlpool in our room and since it was so cold all the way up north, it felt so relaxing and nice to just stay in and hang out in the whirlpool. Our real honeymoon will be to Hawaii next year so I do still have an incentive to keep up the weight loss so that I look great in a bathing suit.

Me at Cana Island Lighthouse overlooking Lake Michigan

So life from here - just focusing on continuing to eat right and work out. I definitely enjoyed myself the past few weeks and wasnt so worried about food so I know that I have put on a few pounds, but I have just jumped back into my routine and I know they are already coming off. I do have a new lowest weight though which I reached 2 weeks prior to the wedding - 143. I was running around like a crazy person so I am sure that it was mostly due to stress and usually I have been hanging out around 144 but it was nice to see a new low again. Hopefully entering the holiday season I can maintain where I am at. And I promise to catch up with all of you on your blogs and hope you have all been doing great.

Its been a while

2010-08-20T19:20:00.003-05:00

I cant believe how long its been since I have posted! These last few weeks have been SO busy. I am sorry for being a bad blogger and a bad reader. Juggling work and a wedding is way more time consuming that I could ever have imagined. Fortunately, my business is mostly due to fun things so I cant complain.

I can happily post that my weight is 144.8 so at least these few weeks havent been spent eating off track. I have attended a few parties and dinners out, but I have kept myself in check and have planned ahead, looked at calories online, and did the best that I could. My wedding dress is a huge motivation to keep my weight at this point so that is helping me. Any time I want to eat something I shouldnt, I just think of my dress and me in it on the actual day, and it keeps me in check.

My exercise is pretty on course as well. Things are really busy and its been a struggle just to get exercise in, but I have been averaging around 4 days a week which isnt bad at all. My best friend just got motivated to lose weight and is into walking, so I have been walking with her once a week and its been fun to get in exercise and be able to gossip and talk. Im glad I can help keep her motivated too. I know she is anxious about fitting in her bridesmaids dress, so that is a big motivation right there.

Work has been stressful and I have been putting in a lot of hours which makes me want to come home and stress eat, but I have been managing. Add that to the stress of the movin with my fiance (which is going well but still is difficult to adjust to sometimes), and I have felt like I want to just eat and eat, but I know where that gets me and I just have to push those thoughts aside and stick to what is best for me. Its hard because my fiance is always snacking and on things that are not healthy and having that kind of food in the house is a trigger for me, but I continue to eat what I know is healthy and I am sure with time I will be able to resist more easily.

Fun things coming up: my dress fitting tomorrow and my bridal shower next weekend! So excited - these are the fun times of being a bride.

Hope I remember to be a better blogger in the coming weeks.

Moving is the new diet

2010-07-23T17:43:00.003-05:00

I guess that moving is the new diet because I weighed myself today at 144.4! I didnt do anything differently this week other than I was constantly unpacking, moving things, and cleaning, so I guess that all burns quite a few calories I would say. Not complaining and hopefully this isnt a fluke and I can really claim this as a loss.

Life here has been really busy and a bit stressful. Last weekend we were so busy that we didnt get as much done as we had wanted, so just about every night this week has been busy doing things around our new place. I did get in 3 days of exercise this week which is more than I can say for last week, so thats one positive thing. My new workout area is a bit smaller so its an adjustment to move around the furniture in the room, but Im not going to let that stop me. Things are falling into a routine which is better, and I have been making some new meals. My fiance also grilled 2 nights which was wonderful because of course its nice to have someone cook for you, but also because it makes a standard such as chicken taste different.

Every weekend for about the next month is shaping up to be so busy too, but good busy. I have wedding planning things, concerts, and parties lined up so its nice to have fun things to do, and I already know I can master most situations and find healthy things to eat. Last Sunday some friends of ours invited us out to dinner to this chicken place. It was featured on that show Diners, Driveins, and Dives. Well of course it is a FRIED chicken place so I wasnt too excited about going there. As I suspected, the menu was pretty much fried chicken and any other friend food you could imagine. However, they did have a great salad bar and I found the one food that was actually grilled. It ended up being a great meal and while I didnt really have much of a choice in what I ate, I felt good knowing I found something healthy and enjoyed it anyways.

Sorry I havent been around to many blogs, I am a bad reader! hopefully can catch up this weekend.

Moved

2010-07-16T16:52:00.002-05:00

Yes I am still here! Its been a busy week. I moved into a new apartment with my fiance on Sunday so things have been a bit crazy the past 2 weeks with packing, moving, and unpacking. Everything is definitely out of sorts, but my new apartment is so much bigger and nice, and its nice to have the "official" movein with my fiance since we are always together, but we didnt officially live together yet. Unfortunately all the moving and stress caused me to get a cold the day after we moved. So I have been dealing with that all week too.

I wasnt sure what to expect with my weighin, but it wasnt bad 146.6. Thats actually what I weighed last week when i skipped posting, so a maintain is not a bad thing at all. I technically only worked out once this week. Mostly because the other 2 days I was so sick or busy and didnt have any of my equipment or dvd player and dvds, but Im fairly certain I burned my share of calories on Sunday and moving with all the moving and cleaning. I could definitely tell that because of all the exercising I do, my stamina was really good. My old apartment is on the second floor of where I live now and in a completely different wing (there are three wings to this apartment complex). Instead of taking the elevator, I was going up and down those stairs and down the hallways and for the most part, I was feeling great. I was carrying boxes and stuff that was really heavy and pushing myself to the limit just as I would when working out. So when its all said and done, I think I worked out just fine enough with that and can give myself a break for not doing my routine every day as I normally would. Now if only I was smart enough to have drank enough water and eaten something I wouldnt have gotten sick.

But now the exercise equipment, dvds, and dvd player are unpacked and set up, so I have no excuse. Its going to be a little different now that I live with my fiance to get into a rhythm of working out since sometimes I do it when I feel like it which may or may not be good now that he will be here and perhaps its dinner time or whatever. But he understands its important to me so I know he will let me do my thing. I was a little nervous about the food situation since he eats fairly healthy, but we did have to buy some things at the store that I dont buy such as chips and snacks. I was worried that I would be tempted, but Im actually not. Ive made healthy meals all week (well except for one trip to Jimmy Johns for dinner because we didnt have any food, but I had a whole wheat turkey sandwich so I was good) and I realize I dont have much to worry about since he will eat healthy with me.

Its really really hot here as well. Pushing 100 and then with some humidity. So I pulled out something I havent worn in perhaps 10 years - a pair of shorts. Now I wear shorts around the house or to sleep in, but not to actually go out in public in. But I did it today. I still have some jiggliness to my legs and mostly thighs, but I have to say that its not horrible. Ive seen people who look much worse out there today wearing shorts, and it feels really good not to be hot and walking around in jeans or capris like I have for so many years. This definitely makes the weight loss worth it!

Busy Week

2010-07-02T17:41:00.002-05:00

ohh what a busy week this was. So glad it is the weekend, and a long weekend at that. Weight today is up to 147.4 which is a 1 pound gain from last week which is suspicious since I dont usually gain so much in one week from doing nothing out of the ordinary. Who knows, but 147 isnt bad at all. I also was so busy this week that I only got in 3 days of exercise, so that could definitely contribute. I was eating dinner at odd times and today i feel extremely bloated. Probably TOM approaching.

But at least I am out there having fun and living life and sometimes its hard to balance that and losing weight and working out. There were definitely temptations but I think I did really well. Wednesday my fiance and I went to see the Stanley cup and was sitting at the bar we were at for about 3 hrs. I witnessed just about every type of food imagineable being brought out to other tables and I was so tempted to order something. Mostly I realized I was bored and wanted to eat, and Im glad I realized that and didnt give in. I wasnt even going to drink (mostly because I had to work the next day), however I did end up having one beer because my fiance's cousin bought it for us after we saw the Cup. Then yesterday I went to the movies with my friend and didnt get popcorn. Oh it smelled fantastic thats for sure, but I passed on it and Im glad that I did.

I know that with each thing I get through and remain strong in what I want, it helps me become stronger for the future. Hopefully after years of doing this it will just be second nature and not so hard at times.

Right way!

2010-06-25T16:58:00.002-05:00

My positive thinking of being able to write about going the right way on the scale paid off. I just weighed in at a new low - 146.4! I am definitely happy that this week I didnt see a gain, and I am back down further away from 150.

I was a little nervous after last weekend since I went out to dinner with my fiance and his family and the restaurant that was selected had absolutely nothing that was healthy. There was chicken, but it was either fried or covered in cheese. Fish, again breaded or covered in some type of sauce that was unhealthy. I selected the healthiest dish I could find, filled up on salad, and I am glad that one meal didnt screw things up on the scale and I can feel decent about the choice I basically was forced to make. It happens to us all, we are invited out to eat and struggle to make choices and sometimes you can and sometimes you cant. It wasnt the first time Ive been in the position and I know it wont be the last and Im glad that I can just move on from it and that the scale doesnt punish me.

Ive been wanting to write about the Losing it with Jillian show since I have been reading mixed thoughts about it on different blogs. Ive watched the show, and while it isnt biggest loser and is definitely a way to promote her and her products, I think she is getting a lot of crap because she is so hard on people when I think thats exactly what they need. Now I may be biased because I like her and have all her dvds, but for the most part, I think there are 2 kinds of people. People who when pushed, can break through whatever block they have and move on or those who just give up. I realize this because as time has gone on, Ive realized that I am the kind of person who likes a challenge and so I really respect where she comes from. For example, my mom also has her 30 day shred that I myself have as well. The first few times I did that dvd, it was hard and I was tempted to give up. But I also realized that if I kept doing it, every time it would get a little easier. Thats exactly what happened and by the end of the 30 days, I was doing that dvd like it was my job and was so proud that I could keep up. Now my mom on the other hand gave up after 2 tries and had no desire to push herself to achieve more. I think a lot of times people do not realize what they are capable of, and sometimes if all it takes is a woman screaming in your face to push you to a point where you finally realize you can do it, then its worth it. Not everyone has that drive. Not everyone feels the way that i do - that you can work at something little by little instead of being intimidated. I am sure that is why losing weight and becoming healthier is harder for some than others. Im not saying it wasnt hard for me, but I had that drive and didnt let bumps in the road or others deter me. Its too bad not everyone is like that, but I do appreciate what Jillian is doing, whether it seems harsh or not, I get where she is coming from. Thats what I take away from the show anyways. Not the fluff or the money or the tears. That you can push yourself and achieve things you never realized you could if you dont give up.

Wrong Way Part 2

2010-06-18T17:11:00.002-05:00

It seems the wrong way thing just keeps on going. Last week I actually was down to 147.8 which was a welcome surprise, but today its back to 148. Now I realize that I am supposed to be maintaining, however since I reached my goal, I havent done anything differently in terms of weight or exercise. So by that right, shouldnt my weight still be moving downwards? I guess that is why I am a little confused and surprised. it makes me feel as if I am doing something wrong. I have hit things like this in the past, but usually when I would look honestly at what I was doing, I was either not exercising as much, not measuring out my food, or sneaking things here and there which would all make sense why I was not losing. I have lost pretty steadily since January and here I am again at a stall and this time, I really dont know why it is. For about the last month its been an up and down game again, and a game that I get so tired of. Yes I am happy where I am at, but I was also hoping that by doing what I was doing, my weight would just continue down and eventually level off once I was at the point where the calories I was eating would be what was needed to maintain. Apparently the calories I eat now are enough to maintain.

Enough of the negative - I have had a great past week. Last Friday was my birthday and it was wonderful. I received a lot of nice gifts from family and friends and its always nice to have a special day where you can feel great. And I am even happier that I still have 2 more years before I have to think about the big 3-0!

Work has been really stressful though and is keeping me busy, and last week I ended up missing the White Sox game I was supposed to go to with my fiance because I got caught up in work and I was NOT happy. If I didnt have a wedding coming up, I would seriously put way more effort into finding a new job. No job should take up so much of your time that you miss out on fun things. Maybe its all this stress thats causing my weight to bounce around - who knows if stress can really do that, but I guess its a good enough excuse.

Hopefully next post I can write the title as "Right way" and see a loss on the scale next week. I would at least like to be at 147 again. The further I can get from 150 the better.

Wrong way

2010-06-04T17:09:00.003-05:00

Weighed in at 148.4, and things just seem to be going the wrong way. True I am aiming for maintenance, but every week Ive gained around .2 or .4 and it is really driving me crazy as to why. True, I did eat more than I normally would on Monday since I attended a party. I ate mostly healthy, but I did have a beer and a cookie for dessert. Still, I would hardly think that 4 days later I would still be holding on to any of that.

Ive still been tracking my food in spark people and that is right on. Ive still been averaging 4-5 days a week for workouts. The only difference the last few weeks is that I have been able to work from home on Fridays which means i have worked out in the morning. I would think a work out prior to a weigh in would lead to a loss, but that is seriously the only differnece in my habits since I started seeing the small increase in my weight. Maybe I am just paranoid and Ive had a bad few weeks. TOM is coming soon and I tend to bloat from that, but since I hit my low of 147.8 2 weeks ago, its been 2 weeks of small gains. Its been around 148 for a month now.

It sucks that I have to live my life paranoid of gaining back weight. I am really happy where I am at now. Yet I am so afraid of gaining it back and now I see these small gains and it makes me feel crazy. Especially when the next few weeks are filled with parties, my birthday, a White Sox game, etc. where Im eating out a lot. I am so afraid I will be over 150 again and I have spent months since xmas getting to this point only to fear its going to be undone.

That is just my freak out moment right there. I know I have control over things and that I always do the best that I can. Its hard when I reach moments like this where I am doing everything I can and its not enough, and then it gets even harder when I reach moments where I dont have enough control and then I am afraid of what things will really be like. I just need to keep doing all that I can and hope that I start to see a change.

Holiday Weekend

2010-05-29T10:55:00.004-05:00

Very excited that I get a long weekend! We had a half day at work yesterday as well so it was wonderful to be able to go out and enjoy the day and not have to be stuck in a cubicle. My fiance and I spent last night at our friend's house, sitting outside with the tiki torches enjoying some healthy snacks such as fruit and almonds. It was a fantastic start to the weekend. I am also glad it involved healthy snacks since I am sure the rest of this weekend may be filled with some not so great choices.

Weight this week was 148 which is .2 more than the week before, but since I am shooting for maintenance, I see no problems with that. I continue to weigh myself because I feel like I need to make sure that I am at least keeping around this weight. In the past I would avoid the scale and then a month later find that I had gained like 10 pounds. I feel like I still need to be accountable when I know I have to weigh in at the end of every week. I was extremely bloated this week due to missing my birth control period one day (oops!) and then had to take 2 the next day which resulted in horrible stomach bloating, cramps, and issues in the bathroom I wont share. So in addition to of course the increased chance of getting pregnant, you deal with all of that when you miss a pill so its not worth it! I had a BUSY week at work and unfortunately one of those days I completely missed taking it at lunch because my lunch ended up being at like 2:30-3 in the afternoon. But anyways, I have felt really bloated and gross since then so I bet that .2 from last week is due to that whole incident.

I appreciate all the comments about the "shower" that I was given. My finance's side is throwing me a shower as well which I know is going to be at a nice place and be a special day for me so I do have that to look forward to. I just walked away from the whole incident with my family feeling like they did what they did because they figured I was already getting a nice shower, so why even try? Its also sad when your own family (and the first grandchild to be getting married), does less than your family-to-be. It honestly hurt my feelings and other than my mom, I havent spoken to anyone since then. I sent out thank you notes and was the polite bride, but I feel very hurt by what happened and I dont feel like talking to any of them for a long time. Especially when i have seen other showers some of my aunts have given and they were nothing like what I experienced. Sometimes life just isnt fair, and Im moving on and will enjoy the shower I have coming up in August.

Other fun things on the horizon this weekend include the Blackhawks playoff game tonight, and then a cook out on Memorial day with my friends and some of my fiance's family. Hopefully there will be chicken this year - sometimes there are only burgers and brats, but Im keeping my fingers crossed for some chicken. I can usually find my way to some healthy treats, and I found a great recipe on sparkpeople for a fruit pizza that is pretty healthy so Im going to try that and bring it as a least one healthy option.

I hope everyone enjoys the weekend!

About Time

2010-05-21T17:03:00.004-05:00

I figured it was about time that I posted and actually have the time to do it lately. I love blogging and I hate when weeks pass by and I dont get on here to actually write. Mostly I write for myself but I definitely know that most of the people who read me probably dont anymore and I wouldnt blame them since I barely post anymore.

Anyways, obviously yes things have been really busy lately. Work is picking up to that completely crazy level it was at before, then my family came in for mothers day, and then last week I was busy with a 17 mile bike ride that i did on Saturday. It was awesome! I know that I work out 5 days a week but I was still a little nervous to do the 17 miles given I dont normally ride a bike when I work out, but I was really pleased that I did it without much trouble and could keep up with my fiance who rides daily (about 30 miles a day). It was really fun, and it was nice to be able to do that with my fiance and his family (his mom, dad, and cousin came too). I was happy too when I plugged in the numbers to see how many calories I burned and it was 500.

Weight is about the same - down .2 to 157.8 which is basically a maintain and is what Im trying to do. Last time I got to my goal I still felt like I could do more and wasnt really happy with where I was at. This time I feel much more settled and comfortable with how I look and feel. Part of me is curious if I could go further, but at the same time, Im not sure I really know what the point is. If Im happy and doing well here, then I should just keep doing what Im doing. Plus things have been so busy I dont think I could do much more to push it.

Things on the wedding front have been pretty good - we are at the point where most everything is done and we can just sit back and wait. Next weekend it will be a year that we have been engaged which is hard to believe. We are getting ready to move into our new apartment in about a month. I did have a horrible experience with a "shower" on mothers day though. I went to my grandmas and we were celebrating mothers day, my grandpas birthday, and my cousin's daughters birthday as well. Halfway through the day, my aunts, mom, and grandma came out with presents and said "surprise" indicating this was a surprise shower. I was upset not only because I hate surprises, but because none of my bridesmaids or matron were told about this, and my sister was completely left out and sat there feeling horrible that she knew nothing. I didnt have on my "special" shower dress that I bought, or have my camera. And then after I opened the gifts, that was it. Nothing - no games, nothing special. I cried the entire way driving home. Now I realize I may sound ungrateful or bitchy, but trust me, my unhappiness has nothing to do with not appreciating the thought. Its just that in my opinion (and my sisters as well), no thought was put into this. I have waited so long to be a bride and have worked really hard to do all the wedding planning and was looking forward to the fun things now, like my shower. only to find out that I dont even really get a shower. just 10 min spent on throwing gifts at me, trying to buy me off. I realize if its all my grandma could do, thats fine. but give me a corsage, a bride sash or something. Get all of the men out of the room, make me a special dessert. Is that too much to ask for? I guess it is. Maybe I just sound like a brideszilla, but it was absolutely horrible.

Enough of that. Here's a pic of my fabulous bike ride:

Time Passes By

2010-04-30T19:04:00.003-05:00

Things have gotten so busy and unfortunately this blog got put on the back burner the past 2 weeks. I cannot believe how time just flies on by.

Life is going well, I have been busy with parties, looking at limos and tuxes for the wedding, and looking at apartments. My fiance and I decided to move into a 2 bedroom apt because we need the room and we found a really nice one so it will be moving time in July. Wish it could be a house, but that will be on our agenda after the wedding for sure.

Work is picking up a lot as well and I think my time of leaving work at a decent hour is up. Construction season started (yes here in Chicago road construction is a season) and it has caused me to spend hours more in the car a day so its been a struggle to get my exercise in. I was doing about 5 days a week and that has gone down to 4, and I really hope I can at least keep that. its funny because years ago I would not have been concerned at all about working out, but the other day I complained to my fiance how I didnt have time to work out that day and would gain weight again, and he said, "you wont gain weight because you didnt work out for one day", and he is perfectly right. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that fact.

I also had lunch out last week because a coworker won lunch for herself and 10 other coworkers so I got invited a long. it was a breakfast place and while I really would have loved the cinnabon french toast, I got the most amazing breakfast: it was half of a pinapple filled with yogurt, granola, bananas, and strawberries. SO delicious. Everyone made such a big deal how I was choosing to eat healthy, but in my eyes, it was definitely worth it.

Yesterday I was traveling to a client site and the consultant I was with took me out to lunch where I had a wrap so I have really been trying to just do the best that I can. My weight is only down .2 from last week, but since I hit my goal, Im really ok with being where Im at and 148.8 is a perfectly fine weight for me.

So thats been my life the past few weeks in a nutshell. The coming week will be crazy too since my family will be in for mothers day, and I have a baby shower to attend as well. Im sure there will be lots of food and more healthy choices I will continue to make.

Doing Fine

2010-04-16T17:56:00.004-05:00

Down .4 this week to a flat 159, so I guess I am doing just fine. I have been really bloated and TOM is on its way so any loss this week is welcome. It feels good to be at goal and not have any pressure anymore to get somewhere. Im happy where Im at and Im glad I have been able to just hang in there and do my thing.

I am at the point now where I am pulling out my spring/summer clothes and finding that a lot of things are too big. Not a bad thing, but an expensive thing and not an expense I need right now when I am paying for all this wedding stuff. I was frustrated last weekend when it was nice out and I put on a short sleeved cardigan from J Crew that I love (and was not cheap last year), and it just hung on me and gave me no shape. Thats the good and bad of losing weight - good because you are healthier and can wear a smaller size. Bad because none of your clothes fit. I am down to 2 pairs of jeans that fit me, the rest are all huge. Yes its a great thing but agan, definitely is expensive and I just dont have the money for a new wardrobe. Plus its annoying to be wearing the same jeans all the time and then having to wash them constantly. Maybe I need to contact What Not to Wear since sometimes they pick people who have lost weight and need new wardobes as opposed to those who just have bad clothes. I could really use the $5,000 (plus I love Stacey and Clinton). Probably not going to happen, but it would certainly be nice.

Under Goal

2010-04-09T17:41:00.003-05:00

Actually weighed in under goal today at 149.4. Thats a 1.4 loss in the past week which is pretty awesome since Sunday was Easter and I did eat more than I typically would but kept everything pretty much in check. It feels good to meet my goal and then some, and now Ill juse see where it takes me.

I am going to focus on trying to tone up more, especially for the wedding. While I feel really great in my dress (and thanks for all who commented on my pics), I am not really happy with the way my back looks and need some good back exercises if anyone has any recommendations. I did get a few from my last post and those are a great starting point. I think frequency is my problem as well since I tend to do strength training twice a week and only 1 of those days is focus on the back.

I really hate sometimes that I get so focused on certain parts of my body. I know that no one is perfect, and I hate that sometimes I strive to be so. I know it comes from my mother. Not that it is all her fault, but I think the pressure she always put on my sister and I has caused us to really focus too much on appearance and is one reason I believe my sister has an eating disorder. All my life growing up, she criticized my appearance and told me how to look. I was always healthy and thin so she would pick on my clothes or my hair. She would often tell me that I embarrassed her and that I needed to look a certain way so that when we were around people she knew, I would not reflect badly on her. it is one reason I rebelled in high school where I went through a period of wearing clothes that she HATED. She even took me to a counselor because she thought that there was something wrong with me because I didnt want to wear what she wanted me to, and stopped buying me clothes.

As I have gotten older, I have really seen how this has affected me. I could never be one to just run out to the store with my hair up and no makeup on, because in the back of my mind, I hear my moms voice saying that people will be judging me and think I am not a nice looking person. Any time I try something on, I tend to buy bigger because I feel like I need to camouflage amy trouble spots. Whenever I visit my parents, I feel like I have to bring my nicest clothes and be careful what I eat in front of my mom so that she doesnt judge me. I even find myself doing this with my fiance - when we go somewhere where he is meeting coworkers or such, I feel like I need him to dress a certain way so that he puts forth this image that I want others to see. And now with all this wedding stuff, I feel so much of this resurface. I sent my mom a picture of the bridal shower dress I bought and she just responded that I didnt need to get a smaller size, that it looked tight. I actually did buy a smaller size because the top was so big and everyone else I showed it to said that the smaller size was better. My mom then just commented that I needed to be sure that it was appropriate looking. Whatever! And even with my wedding dress last week, when she asked why it was so big and I responded that it was because I had lost 10 pounds and some inches, and she was like, well stop losing weight because I havent lost any. As if it is a contest of some sorts. She never said anything else about the dress or how I looked in it. In my mind, I just think that she doesnt like it or that she is looking at how broad my back looks or whatever.

Yes I have body issues and I probably always will. These thoughts and memories will always stay with me and I will have to fight to remind myself that I am a HEALTHY weight. That my BMI is healthy. That I do look ok, that no one is judging me but me. I want to get over these issues because I would hate to find myself with a daughter one day doing the same thing to her.

Wedding content only

2010-04-05T18:46:00.006-05:00

Not a post about weight or anything else, just some pics of my dress and hair piece.

The dress was amazing! It was definitely worth the 8 month wait. It will need some major alterations since it is too BIG. Guess my weight loss and inches helped since the top was really big and the corset back was tied as tight as it would go and it wouldnt get tight enough. My bra was even a little too big. But it was great and it felt so good to be in it. My future mother in law came and she said "you look so skinny" which made me feel great. I am a little unhappy with my back - will need some recommendations for back exercises because I think I look too broad, but the dress is still fantastic.

And my hair piece arrived (not doing a veil) and I really like it. Not a great pic since I did it myself while holding up my short hair, but it will do. my mom doesnt really care of it, but she doesnt have to wear it right?!

Weekly update

2010-04-02T18:01:00.002-05:00

Past week has been so busy. Last weekend was really busy as well and I feel like I have had no time for myself. Unfortunately I actually gained .6 this week, but at least I am still 150.8 so I guess I will just have to chalk that slight gain up to any number of things like stress, water, etc. I got in all my exercise this week so thats one good thing, but Im not going to say that Im not disapointed. I had hoped to at least see 150 even, not a gain. Its like the contestants on the biggest loser said this week, you cant measure your success by the scale which is definitely true. just another week to pass by and hopefully next week is a step in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep things in check with easter and eat in moderation and that it wont screw up my weighin next week.

The good news is that my wedding dress is finally here, after 8 months of waiting! going tomorrow to see it, and I am so excited. At least I got my weight to where I wanted it for when the dress got here, and I cannot wait to see myself in it. my future mother in law is coming too and she hasnt seen it yet, so I cannot wait to see her reaction.

sooooooooo close

2010-03-26T20:35:00.002-05:00

Weighed in at 150.2! Thats a pound loss from last week, and basically if you ignore the .2, I am at 150 pounds which was my goal. I am so thrilled. A year ago I was so frustrated that nothing was happening in terms of weight loss and I really thought I would never get to 150. This has been a great year so far, and I for now, Im just going to keep going and let things happen. If I can lose more, that would be great, but if not, I am really happy where I am at. this has definitely been a long process and it will be nice to just keep up with my routine and see where it gets me without any pressure of getting to a goal weight. I was a little nervous that I wouldnt see much change on this scale this week since I ended up missing a workout on Wednesday due to another eye dr visit (got soft contacts which have helped a lot), and I did overdo it a bit at the party I went to last weekend in terms of drinking. But thats life, I will have other weeks like this (have another party this weekend), and I feel that I can manage things pretty well to keep this up as long as I can.

Short post, but its at least a good one.

there arent words

2010-03-19T18:49:00.002-05:00

There are not words to describe how this week has been. On Monday I found out that my grandpa had a stroke (the same one I wrote about a few posts ago). They really did not think he was going to make it, but on Wednesday they discovered an infection in his brain that when they pumped him with antibiotics, cleared up and he woke up. There does not seem to be any brain damage. But then his kidneys failed so he had to go on dialysis. Today he had to go on a feeding tube. So it just seems like every day there is some new surprise and something to deal with. I have had to go through feelings of worry that he was going to die, acceptance that he was going to die, happiness he did not die, but unhappiness for the situation he is in and for the quality of his life which does not seem to be good.

This just gives me even more reason to want to be healthy now. I know any of those things can happen to people who live healthy lifestyles, but if what Im doing now even gives me a CHANCE of that not happening to me, then it is all worth it.

I also went to the eye dr this week because my contacts have been killing my eyes (I wear hard contacts), and ended up having to have all these tests done which included dilating my pupils and I had to drive home at rush hour IN TO THE SUN. I wanted to die. All the tests ended up taking so long that I missed my work out too which I was not happy about. So now I have to put these tearing drops in my eyes every hour, and I picked up an anti inflammatory prescription today that was a $60 copay which is NOT something I needed to pay for right now.

UGH. so that has been my week. On the positive side I lost a pound! I am down to 151.2 - SO close to seeing 150. Probably next week. I also ordered a dress online thinking it could be for my bridal shower or some type of shower this summer, and it arrived in a size 10 and its actually big in the top portion. I may have to go down a size which is really thrilling. Or I just need a bigger rack - perhaps a boob job? jk - never would do that. But we will see - just glad to get a dress that I like, fits, and actually is a little too big.

Need to recover from this hellish week - have a party tomorrow and will be likely going to visit my grandpa on Sunday. dont want to screw up my weigh in, but a drink sounds wonderful right now...

the dress

hmmm

2010-03-12T17:24:00.002-06:00

Well I guess I had an off week because I only lost .2. I am happy for a loss and it brings me one step closer to my goal, but Im not going to lie and say that Im not disapointed because I am. I was on a good losing streak of about .8 a week so I was excited to see 151 today but NOPE. Guess not. If I felt that there was something I could have done differently, it would be one thing. But everything was on target; nothing was different about this week. The only thing I can think of is that TOM is about a week away and I guess when I think about it, I am a bit bloated. But I could just be making excuses so who knows. There was a week back in Jan where I gained around this time and then beginning of Feb I stayed the same for 2 weeks, so Im hoping this is just one of those weeks and next week or the week after, I will be right where I want to be. A teeny tiny part of my mind is whispering that I couldnt keep on a roll for that long and that this always happens right before you reach a goal. I am trying to tell that voice to shut up.

No major thoughts of the week - nothing much happened. I did have a great NSV last weekend when my fiance said that he could really tell that I have lost weight and inches and that I look "really skinny". well I wouldnt say I look "really skinny" but I was happy for the compliment and glad that my accomplishment so far is noticeable. I was riding high after that, but after this weighin, I guess it puts me in a bit of an unhappy mood that Ill have to snap out if. Ive been through this before and its not all about the scale. I can actually say too that once I do reach 150, I am not going to try and lose any more weight. If it happens thats great, if it doesnt, I think I am fine actually where I am at. It seems ridiculous that 8 pounds makes that much of a difference, but apparently it does because I am happier at this weight than I was 8 pounds ago. Some of that is inches lost too because that has made the biggest difference. But I think for once I am ready to give this a rest and just let nature take its course.

Doing it for the future

2010-03-05T17:38:00.003-06:00

Weight today is 152.4, so a .8 loss. Im averaging about that each week now and I am pretty pleased with that. Hopefully at this rate I will be at my goal in 2-3 weeks. That should be good timing too since my wedding dress is supposed to be in by the end of the month and I would definitely like my alterations to be taken at this weight and it will be good incentive to maintain this until October.

Ive realized more and more this past month about how important everything I do now is for the future. Sure in the immediate future I want to be a certain weight and look a certain way, but I cant help but face that in 40-50 yrs from now, what I do now matters more than ever. When my dad was visiting a few weeks ago he wasnt here just to see me. My grandpa has been in bad shape the last 2 yrs or so. He falls down just about every week, has put himself in the hospital countless times, and he cannot really walk or do anything on his own. He fell about a month ago and was in the hospital and he was coming home the weekend my dad was here, who was helping out. Hearing my dad talk about what shape my grandpa was in made me really scared because I dont want to be that 60 years from now. I realize that when you get old its harder to do things and there are certain pitfalls, but I also see that things doing have to be the way they are for my grandpa. His years of smoking, poor eating habits, and being obese have taken its toll on him, and I know that could have easily been me years and years from now if I hadnt made the decision to change. I know I am still at risk for certain things and my future is not certain because of the choices I make now, but at least I know that I can change what Im doing now to ensure that I can be healthiest I can be when I am older. My fiance actually told me about an 80 year old man who still drag races in the NHRA I believe which I think is awesome. To be in that physical condition at an older age and not letting yourself be held back from what you love. Thats how I want to be and I really hope I am. Because I hate to think of what my life will be like if I were to end up like my grandpa.

Still going

2010-02-26T17:36:00.002-06:00

Despite the sickness, stress, and busy weekend, I am down .8 from last week to 153.2! I can see 150 approaching and its very exciting. I cant believe that I spent a year trying to lose 10 pounds and here Ive lost 7 pounds in 2 months. I guess it goes to show just how much tracking your calories and working out really pays off. I still that sense of, will this be the last week? But just like it was in the beginning, every week I see results.

I am definitely having better body image. While I was certainly happy to be at 160 (because compared to 226, how could I not be?), but I still felt like I looked overweight. With all the exercise Ive been doing and the weight coming off, my clothes fit a lot better and I feel like things are more toned up overall. Im starting to see myself as just a regular person, rather than someone who was overweight. I hated how I felt that identified me as a person. I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with some friends. It was a couples thing so my friend was there with her boyfriend who I hadnt see in almost a year. When he had met me 2.5 yrs prior to that, I was at my heaviest weight. While at this get together, he pulled me aside and said, you used to be really big - I notice that you have lost a lot of weight. While I appreciated that he could see the weight loss, it bothered me to think that was all he remembered of me, just another fat girl. Im still the same person, just a lot lighter. Its hard for me to be around people who have only known me as fat, because they think that this lighter person must be some new thing that I revel in. Sure I am so happy to be where I am at, but I wasnt always this way, and I dont believe that one you are fat, you are fat forever. Fat does not and never will define me. I happened to be fat for a while, now Im not. It happens. I dont want to see myself as that person, and I really dont want others to see me that way either. Inside, Ive always been this person and thats all that should matter.

In wedding news, we did find a florist last weekend so another thing checked off the list! We went to two and both were great and affordable, but one place gave me a better visual idea of what everything will look like, so we chose them. I will have a bouquet with deep orange calla lillies, orange asian lilies, orange roses, and green berries and filler. My bridesmaids (who are wearing chocolate brown and fern green by the way), will have orange asian lilies with a green bow. My fiance's boutonierre will be a deep orange calla lily, and the rest of the groomsman will have orange roses. Should look real nice for fall. Other than the limo service, we have booked all of our vendors, which is so wonderful because I am really tired of going out to visit vendors. Sure its fun in the beginning, but when you work 10-12 hr days and only get 2 days on the weekend, its not always fun to spend those 2 days driving all over the place. I will be so glad when its Oct. and I can just get married already!

Not too bad

2010-02-19T17:36:00.002-06:00

I am down .6 for the week which is actually really surprising. I thought for sure Id be up or even maintain, but I am sitting happy at 154.

It has been quite a week - I worked late (11 hrs) on Wednesday and missed my workout. I started feeling sick on Sunday which turned into the flu as well as a horrible ear infection. I cannot hear out my left ear at all. I feel so exhausted; I slept for 11 hrs straight on Sunday, yet woke up for my Valentines day dinner and felt like I had slept for 2 hrs. Then TOM is starting so I am more bloated than I have ever felt. Yet despite this, I still pulled out a loss, so I cannot complain.

It has been difficult to work out with the same intensity I usually do because I get out of breath so easily and fatigue much more quickly. I know that my body probably does need the rest so I am trying not to push it too hard. I guess its just the stress of work and the wedding all rolled into one.

Definitely staying in tonight to get some much needed rest since tomorrow we have appts to see 2 florists, and my dad is also in town so I will be spending much of Sunday out and about with him. All good stuff, just not stuff that leads to rest.

Good job FDA

2010-02-12T17:23:00.003-06:00

First of all, I am really happy that the FDA is trying to post nutritional info on the front of a package of food. Hopefully this will at least get some people's attention instead of just grabbing things off the shelf. More importantly though, I am so glad they are looking to actually post servings according to what people actually eat. I hate when you see that something is 100 calories, but then see that its actually like 2 nuts out of the entire package you can have. Doing this may also scare some people into really thinking about what they eat. Now if only they could post all the ingredients too, we would be all set! Words like "whole grain" or "natural" grace just about everything these days, but if you check out the ingredients, they are usually the minority in a list of unhealthy ingredients. Check out the story here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/06/business/06portion.html?adxnnl=1&partner=rss&emc=rss&adxnnlx=1265890288-xot63aBslESB8GKVRhb5pg

Secondly, I hit a new low today - 154.6! Thats a .8 loss since last week (well actually 2 weeks since I maintained last week). The weight loss has slowed down a tad, however Im glad its still moving along. Its been years since Ive weighed this and it feels great. I have also noticed that my pants are a lot bigger, and I am fitting in some jeans that were pretty tight the past year to the point that I rarely wore them. So that means Im losing some inches as well. FINALLY - thats all I have to say. Ive been waiting for this for a while, and I am so glad its happening. My wedding dress will be here in March too, so hopefully I will be around 150 which would be a 10 pound loss, and I could definitely maintain that until October when the wedding is happening.

Should be a relaxing weekend which is just what I need. We layed off 4 people yesterday at work so it was stressful, and the past month just about every weekend has been filled with things for the wedding. Thankfully last weekend was the last of the cake tasting since we chose our bakery for our wedding cake and it will be delicious! So this weekend should be almost spot on. There is valentines day and I will be going out to dinner, but Im sure I will do just fine.

Happy Valentines day!

More Cake

2010-02-05T17:02:00.002-06:00

Happy to report that my weight is still the same - 155.2. Sure, a loss would be nice, but I was a little concerned after some of the food I had last weekend, and I do not feel well today (very bloated) so I thought for sure I would see a higher number.

Today was rough though. We had a superbowl party at work, so there was chili, dips, cheese and crackers, pigs in a blanket, cookies, brownies.....you get the picture. Come party time (which was also lunch time), I went into the kitchen to get my lunch and felt really tempted. I actually took my lunch and went back to my desk to eat it, then went and joined the other people in the room the party was in. That helped because I could concentrate on what I really wanted to eat, vs being tempted and eating something that wouldnt benefit me nutritionally, as well as the fact that by the time I went back to the room, I was full and had no desire to eat anything that was there. I think it was also smart to do as well since I always seem to get comments when I do choose to eat my healthy lunch vs the food they have and today I just didnt want to deal with it. But I feel good that I made the right choice, and I know the scale would not have said 155 had I eaten half of what I wanted to there.

Friday night out went fine - my plan to eat before hand helped, and I only had a few bites of some of the foods that were at the party. Unfortunately I did have a few too many beers, but it was a fun time out and I cant say that I regretted it.

Cake tasting went well last week, and I only had 3 small squares about the size of a square on a checkerboard of each type of cake. I had a small forkful of the frosting, and then a small forkful of the chocolate ganache filling. So it was definitely not hard to get an idea of what the cake tasted like without over doing it.

The xmas party we went to had a TON of food. It was at an italian restaurant that serves family style only, and I had no idea what we would be served. The appetizers were calamari, bruschetta, and salad. The salad was delicious, so I ate a lot of that knowing that if the entrees were not healthy, at least I was able to fill myself up. The entrees were chicken parmesean and pesto salmon. Both were breaded, so I knew right away that I made the right decision to fill up on salad. There was also some spaghetti on the side as well as some spinach filled shells, so I had some spagetti and half of a shell. I was actually full with just that. Dessert came out and it was tiramisu and cheesecake. I had a bite of the cheesecake but that was it. I didnt have much to drink either, just a glass of sangria. All in all, I think I did really well. So many people were complaining about how full they were, and it was nice that I enjoyed myself but didnt come away from it stuffed. My finace's bosses were telling people to eat more because there was so much food and while I felt bad that I probably was not eating my share, Id rather feel guilty for that than having eaten too much.

Well as the title of this post indicates, tomorrow I have another cake tasting so I am excited for that. Between that and the superbowl, this will likely be another weekend full of food. I have a superbowl party to go to on Sunday, but at least I know there should be some healthy food there. The host is a friend of mine from college, and he used to be very overweight as a child. He lost a lot of weight and works out and eats really healthy now, so he knows what its like to go to a party and worry about healthy foods. Thats actually a really nice feeling. But after last weekend, it really reinforces that you can go out, enjoy yourself, and not have to worry about the scale as long as you can do it in moderation.

A new low

2010-01-29T16:51:00.002-06:00

Hooray! I hit a new low today - 155.2. I have not weighed 155 since college. I am really really happy right now, and a bit shocked to be honest. I was sure with TOM that I would show a gain, but instead I get a 1.8 pound loss.

I feel great, and its not just because the scale is reflecting my hard work. I just feel great with how everything is working out. I am eating some new foods, eating more often, working out 5 days a week, and Ive been noticing some changes in my body from working out so much. Someone at work the other day asked if I was losing weight again, so obviously others were noticing something I wasnt yet. I thought maybe my jeans were getting looser because they were getting stretched out, but the reality is, I am changing and its been so long that I just assumed it was something else.

This is going to be one of those weekends though where its going to be tough to stay on track. Tonight I am going to a coworkers house who is having a small couples get together, and everyone is bringing a snack. I of course am bringing something healthy, but I will likely be the only one. I am going to eat a small dinner before I go so that I dont eat snacks all night, but I know I will have some and a few drinks, and its hard to accept that after my weigh in. But at the same time, I cant always be afraid to enjoy myself either. I am just torn back and forth. Then tomorrow is a cake tasting where, I will be in fact tasting cake. Of course it is necessary to eat because I dont want my wedding cake to taste bad and its not like I am eating giant slices of cake, but then to make matters worse, it is my fiance's office xmas party tomorrow at an italian place so again, more food that is likely to not be healthy and of course, alcohol. I know I always make the best choices I can and this time is no different. That isnt what is hard. Whats hard is that I dotn want to move two steps forward torwards the weight I want, to just move backwards again because I had a weekend where I was in situations where I was not eating the best food for me or what I would want to eat. Thats life I guess right?

Nothing new

2010-01-22T18:05:00.003-06:00

I am sure with a title of "nothing new" no one is going to read this post, but there isnt much to report. I weighed in at 157 which is down .4 from last week, but is still no change from 2 weeks ago. Yes, its frustrating. But again, thats nothing new. TOM is a few days away and I have noticed some bloat. I guess that is one good thing about working out a lot - my stomach pooch has gotten smaller so when I do bloat, I definitely notice it. But I hate to blame any gain or no change on TOM. I guess Im just said that for 2 weeks I have been SPOT on with everything. Im eating enough and enough of the right things, working out 5 days a week, and the weights not going anywhere. Ive only been weighing myself once a week instead of 3. Ive been incorporating some new foods into my diet to make sure I am getting enough protein. All of these things are good things, and I do feel good. Its not that I feel like any of it is worthless because the scale doesnt show me what I want to see. I will continue to do what Im doing. But wouldnt it be nice to see SOME payoff? I guess my pay off is that in 40-50 years, I will be one healthy granny.

Weight and Thoughts

2010-01-15T17:11:00.003-06:00

Weight today is 157.4. That is up .4 from last week. Im not going to lie, I am disapointed that I didnt lose anything this week. Im not going to get all upset over .4, but even still I thought I was on to something with this whole calorie tracking thing. Im happy that Im still 157 since I was like 159 for 2 months, but its frustrating that I seem to be doing everything I should be doing, and Im not losing weight. If its a simple calculation of calories in and calories out, and I am indeed burning more calories than I am taking in, why is the weight not reflecting that? Those are just my thoughts on that. I only got 4 days of exercise in which is still good, but I wish I hadnt had to miss my workout yesterday.

I have had a lot of other thoughts and questions this week about society in general. Such as, how did we get to this point that eating unhealthy is the "norm"? Why do we feel we need to eat large quantities of food to be full and satisfied? Why do we think we need processed and fast foods? All week long I have been in situations where I have felt almost like me choosing to eat healthy is somehow strange. A few examples.

Yesterday was the office xmas party that took place at a bowling alley. It was free drinks and the dinner provided was pizza, pasta, and breadsticks. Thankfully there was also a salad. I knew that I wasnt going to stay for the bowling portion of the evening, so I planned on eating a late snack in the afternoon, having some salad, and eating dinner at my house. Its not that I dont think a treat of controlled portions of pizza or salad is wrong, its just not a choice I wanted to make. Prior to the party which started after work, I went to the store with another coworker and friend to kill some time. When we got to the party, more than one person came up to us and asked if we had gone out to "get Heather something to eat" as if I was some special person that needed to do that. It bothered me that I had been a topic of conversation, and that so many people were discussing my eating habits. When it was food time, I got the salad I had planned and then had to endure so many questions of why I was eating only salad, why wasnt I having pizza, why wasnt I having breadsticks? Should it be the othre way around? Shouldnt there be more people asking, how can you put that pizza or pasta in your stomach? How can you eat a meal that contains almost nothing of nutritional value or gives you any fuel? Yet somehow I am the strange one. There were people eating so much and then commenting to me that I was eating so little. I was actually really satisfied with the salad and knew that I would be fine until I got home and ate the healthy dinner I had planned. Why does mass quantities of food mean that you are satisfied? Why can say whether or not a person is satisfied or not by what they are eating?

I was in the grocery store today after work and was waiting in line to check out. There was one of those older people in front of me that likes to talk, and he was talking to the woman in front of him and not me (thankfully). I overheard their conversation which consisted of him telling her about how he likes these TV dinners. He had put about 20 on the belt, I think it were those Celeste dinners. He was asking her if she liked them and she said that no, she didnt because they were loaded with sodium. The man was so shocked by this and was disagreeing with her. She said, look at the back of the box and he did. He read the amount out and still didnt see anything wrong with it. The woman said, that is more sodium than a person needs in a day, and you are eating it in one meal. They agreed to disagree, but I was really shocked to think that someone really has no idea or really cares about what they are putting in their body. Dont get me wrong, I have bought my share of Lean Cuisines or Kashi frozen meals from time to time, but I at least understand that they contain a lot of sodium so I dont eat them often and am aware I need to drink more water. To make that your dinner every night and not even look at what you are actually eating and what it means really dumbfounds me. Again, how have we gotten like this as a society?

I realize this isnt everyone and there are a lot of people out there who eat healthy. I just hate how I am made to feel like eating healthy is wrong, or that it is not the "norm". That there must be something wrong with me, that I have strange eating habits, or that I have an eating disorder. In all reality, it doesnt really matter. I do what I need to do and will reap the benefits of it healthwise. Its just hard to constantly be put in situations where you feel like this or have to worry about healthy options available or being judged when it seems like it should be the other way around. I would never dare to tell someone what they should or should not eat, or tell them when or how to be satisfied or full. Why do I have to get stares in a room as people realize I am the only one not eating pizza and pasta?

New Year

2010-01-08T17:13:00.002-06:00

It is 2010! Happy New Year to everyone out there. Hopefully everyone has gotten the new year off to a great start. For some, this is just the beginning and I hope that if you are just starting out, you contine your healthy changes throughout the entire year. For others, we are just continuing our journey, and it does feel good that we already have plans in place and arent just jumping on the bandwagon because we ate too much over xmas and now feel pressured because of all the ads to do something.

I have started off the year well - Im down to 157 which I have not weighed since August. How is that for a good start huh!? I am pretty pleased with myself. Since my "experiment" where I tracked what I was eating in spark people, I made adjustments so that I was eating in the recommended range for calories, protein, fat, and carbs. I wasnt doing too bad before, but many days I was eating too few or too many calories, and I definitely did not get enough protein. This past week I have really focused on making sure I was getting enough of everything, and while I still need to work on those carbs (yes for some reason I have a hard time eating enough carbs), I guess my changes have been positive as I have finally seen some movement on the scale. I have also kept up with 5 workouts per week, alternating both of my Jillian workouts (trouble zones and metabolism boost). I feel pretty great actually. I know things will get crazy with work soon enough, but in the meantime, I am enjoying what Im doing and glad that I am finally seeing results. I feel optimistic and hopeful again that I might actually get to the goal I want this year (150), and least hopefully by the wedding. Last year I spent way too long in the rut I was in, just getting angry that I wasnt going anywhere. I wish i would have made an effort to get to the cause then, but sometimes life just gets in the way and all you can do is stick with what you know and at least it helps you maintain. 2010 is all about changes for me in just about every way, and Im glad I have started the year of just where I want to be at.

Yes we are drunk and wearing silly hats :)

Xmas is over

2009-12-30T16:34:00.002-06:00

I survived another xmas with the family and it wasnt horrible. I had no idea what to expect since my sister came home with a broken heart after being dumped by her boyfriend (which resurfaced on xmas even when she saw a pic of him and a new girl on facebook) and my brother failed out of his last semester at college. I thought for sure it would be arguing and fighting, but actually, we all did the best we could. This was the hardest year to be away from my fiance, but at least I know that next year we will be together and start our own traditions, which hopefully involve less food and more exercise!

I didnt do an ounce of exercise over the past week and I feel horrible. Right after I finish typing this up, Im gearing up the Jillian Michaels dvds and i know Ill be in for a nice butt kicking that will make me regret my lack of movement the past week. I actually was fairly busy most of the time, but I definitely could have done something and I chose not too. That I definitely regret, especially since I ate my share of cookies and other treats. I dont feel I went completely overboard, but as good as I was doing before I left, I know anything I lost is definitely back on. But at least I know that its not permanent. I hate how this feels and if anything, I am more than enough motivated to pick up the healthy eating and working out. I threw out the remaining cookies and gave some to my fiance's parents, have eaten healthy all day, and like I said, am gearing up for the workout. Sparkpeople is up on my screen again and I will continue my "experiment" to see what results I can get in the new year.

I hope you all faired well throughout the holidays and have a happy new year!

Me with my sister, dad, and brother

The experiment - week 1 results

2009-12-21T19:09:00.003-06:00

I seem to have some interesting results from my experiment. As I mentioned last week, I was going to eat as I normally do and track everything in spark people. I was suspicious that I was eating either too little or too much.

Happily I found out that I am eating slightly under but not that much under what is recommended (1400 calories). Not that eating too little is a good thing, but I guess its better than finding out you are eating too much. I also found out that I dont always eat enough protein, and I often do not eat enough carbs either. So that is all really good information to have and I plan to make some changes with what im eating to get more of both in my diet.

I also found that the creamer I use in my coffee just on weekends (use the office creamer while at work) is really high in calories and contributes a lot more than I was thinking it was, even with just 4 servings. So I cut back on that big time. I liked that I was able to see that and make changes accordingly.

I actually went from 159 to 157.6 last week which was pretty awesome, and then I had a sneaking suspicion that I have fallen victim to what many people do - they stop measuring and weighing their food, and they are actually eating more of it than they realize. I think the simple fact that I started doing that again really helped and my weight definitely reflected that. I would say that this was enough to get me on a roll again, but today I was back up to 159. I was disapointed by that as I have been diligently weighing and measuring everything thinking that was the culprit, but apparently not. Not that I plan on stopping, but I was hoping that was the culprit. I guess it could still be and I just am bloated today from TOM approaching or something else.

In any case, I feel a lot more knowledgeable than I was before about what im eating, and Im also glad to see that what I am eating is for the most part, the right thing. At least when I see that Im getting enough fat for example, I know that its the right kind of fat. Those were the mistakes I used to make a long time ago when I struggled to lose weight. I thought, as long as I eat X calories, X fat, X carbs, I will be fine. And I would fill those numbers with whatever I wanted and they were not healthy choices. Now I am eating the right foods and staying within the right ranges, and that feels good.

In the exercise department, I feel like I am kicking ass. I completed the Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred which feels amazing. I remember on Day 1, I struggled to get through it as it is a pretty good workout for a 25 min. workout. Now I have much better endurance and strength, and I moved on to her other 2 dvds which are Boosting Metabolism and Trouble Spots. Both are more difficult than the 30 day shred and I feel like that better prepared me to take on these beasts. I am sore all over from 2 days of both, but its a good feeling. I also got an early xmas present which was the Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010 for the Wi, and it is pretty awesome too. Not quite as good as some of the moves in the dvds using weights, but I did a ciruit on the game and it worked me out pretty good. I highly recommend it as I had heard negative things about the 2009 game, but much better things about this 2010 game and I have to agree.

Now I just need to hope all this hard work pays off and I start to see the changes that i want. If only it wasnt Christmas and facing all sorts of temptations over the next week while I am at home in PA. I always do the best I can and that will have to do while I am gone. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

The experiment

2009-12-14T19:58:00.003-06:00

Yes, Im still here. Man I have been busy the last month. So many thing happening at work (mostly bad), then there was Thanksgiving, now there's xmas coming up which means parties and gifts and gift wrapping etc. I feel like I never have time to just write. Part of it is that I feel like I am the same old thing to write - weights the same, exercising my butt off, nothings changing, blah blah blah. After a while, I know that there is nothing anyone can really say about that.

I have reached a point though where I need to figure out why Im not losing any more weight. Hence the title of this post - I have started to do an experiment this week. Since I do not count calories, rather eat x amount of protein, startch, veggies, etc., I was curious as to whether or not I was eating too much, or too little. Obviously either can affect weight loss, so I decided to find out exactly what I have been eating. So starting yesterday, I began tracking my food in sparkpeople, which is a site I used in the past when I was doing WW. I set a goal weight of 150 which is a 9 pound loss, and a target date of June 16th. The site indicated I should be eating 1460-1810 calories a day. I am not sure if this is pretty typical for someone of my height and weight, as well as activity level, to be eating to lose weight, but I trust the site, so Im going with it. I will report back at the end of the week to see if I am eating too much or too little a day. For this first "phase", I am not going to do anything differently than I have been, because I really want to see where I am at. Then next week (or likely the following week since next week is xmas), I will make adjustments based upon what I find out. If I am eating too much, I will cut back. If I am eating too little, I will eat more and eat more of the right kinds of food.

So far, I have found that I am eating slightly less or right at that 1460 calorie level. Interesting results so far, but it feels good to start to have some insight into this. The fact is, I work hard at this. I do eat right, and my exercise level has been great. I have been doing circuit training 5 days a week and while I feel great and my endurance has drastically increased, I dont notice any difference in my body and my weight hasnt changed. Something has to give. I know Im not a freak of nature, that there has to be a reason why nothing is changing. Its horribly frustrating, especially with my wedding 10 months away and I havent dropped a single pound or noticed any differences in my body. I need to know what is going on, and I guess this is a step in the right direction.

But Im here, Im still trying to post and I definitely am still reading. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday next week for those who celebrate, and I hope the new year will be kind to everyone!

Still Busy

2009-11-09T20:12:00.004-06:00

Just when I thought things slowed down, they got busy again at work and I lost all intentions of writing. But here I am again, hoping this is a slower week and that I can continue to post on a regular basis.

Im glad that things got busy at work again because it means there is work to do and I still have a job. I was put on a project and then taken off because I was so busy and you would think I would be happy that I would have less work to do, but it only caused me to worry even more about my job. To make matters worse, there was something screwed up in one of my databases which caused reports for my client to be incorrect, so now I wake up every day with this horrible feeling in my stomach that this error will cost me my job. It is a sorry state to be in because most people should go through their days feeling pretty ok with things, and I am constantly feeling ok and then suddenly feeling sick as I remember the situation I am in. Last week sucked, and I got like 2 days of exercise in. Better than nothing, but not what I wanted.

I did not have a very good weekend either in regards to food. Actually food was ok, it was the alcohol intake that was not. We went out to dinner with our closest friends who rarely get to come out due to their 5 year old, and I definitely drank away some of my stress. Not something I am proud of, especially after complaining to my friend and matron of honor about how the scale is not budging for me. Not that I do this all the time, but I have nothing to complain about when things like this happen. I guess I used to use food as a way to relieve stress and sometimes I still look for something else now that I dont turn to food anymore. Sometimes its nice to not have this chaos that is mealtime because at least I have one thing that is planned and structured and I know is healthy and good for me. So that is one positive in this post of negatives!

Returning to Normal

2009-10-28T18:16:00.002-05:00

Things in my life are returning to a semi-normal state. The large project I was working on the last several months ended, and now I dont have to work a 12 hour day every day which feels great! Unfortunately layoffs are still looming, so its hard to enjoy having less work because I am afraid it makes me look like I am not needed, so I have to try and stay busy and work later than Id want just so Im not a target. The stress of that alone is horrible, but at least for now, I still have a job.

Exercise is returning again in frequency too. I started the Jillian Micheals 30 day Shred which I am loving and feel that it gives a pretty good quick workout. I am glad that I have been keeping up with exercise as mcuh as I could over the last few months and at least my weight didnt go to all hell. I am on the higher end of the spectrum than Id want to be, mostly ranging from 158-160, but at least I can say that I maintained throughout all these months. It would have been easy to turn to food to cope with everything going on, but I was able to stick to healthy foods and exercise when it was possible. I cant really dwell on what I might weigh if I had been able to be diligent the last few months, but I was barely getting by emotionally and physically some days, so Im proud of what I was able to do. I feel like I went through some horrible battle and at least I came out alive. Too bad I have a wedding dress arriving in a few months and I wanted a thinner body ready for that, but hopefully this 30 day shred will help with that. Im surprised that doing that for the last 3 weeks has not caused me to drop any weigh. While I dont play into claims much, the case of the dvd does indicate that it can lead to up to a 20 pound weight loss. While I wouldnt expect 20 pounds (or really even want that), it would be nice to see SOME results. I could try and convince myself I am gaining muscle, but I dont really believe that is true. So you can see, Im still the clueless frustrated girl I always was!

Im sorry that I havent posted much the last few months. Im afraid it caused me to lose a lot of readers and its really too bad because I really enjoy reading the comments of my regular readers and the support they give. Ive tried to keep up with my google reader as much as possible and hopefully now I can get back into reading and posting more often.

Still Alive

2009-10-11T17:46:00.006-05:00

Im here and still breathing. I hate that I havent updated in a while, but I have been so busy the past few weeks that posting has been the last thing on my mind.

This is a weight loss blog so I am sure that anyone who still checks in on my wants to know how Im doing in that respect. Well to show just how busy I am, I barely even weigh myself anymore. Last time I did I was 158.4 which wasnt too bad. I struggle to find time to exercise, and am only averaging about 1-2 days a week still. I know I need to work on this, especially with a wedding in less than a year now, but I have about 1 hr to myself a day and thats usually spent eating dinner, making my lunch for the next day, paying bills,etc. and then fall into bed. I hate this feeling because I dont like putting a healthy lifestyle on the backburner. It starts to cause feelings of getting fat and I start to imagine that I am gaining weight. Thats why I did step on the scale the one evening, just to confirm that I wasnt. I had been out halloween costume shopping and every costume I tried on was so tight. I really wanted to be a flapper, and every dress was cut straight and not meant for someone with hips. Then I tried a devil costume on that was so tight in my stomach. I was about to give up and I finally found another devil costume, but the experience was horrible. I havent had to worry about fitting into things and now thats all I was experiencing. The feelings of self hatred and body issues were resurfacing, and its very difficult, especially with everything else going on in my life. I havent even had any time for wedding planning.

Speaking of wedding planning, my parents came into town a few weeks ago and were completely on my case about that. They were upset that I wasnt doing more (when clearly I have no time working 12 hr days every day), and my mom is starting to take over things and do them HER way, not with what I want. I got upset because this is my wedding and not hers, and I hate that she wants a wedding that matches her vision, and not mine. It was a very stressful weekend, and one that I didnt want.

Things at my job are horrible right now. We have laid off 5 people in the past 2 weeks, with more to come. Its ironic how I am so worried about losing a job that I hate. I have worked insane hours the past few months, enough to make myself sick, and now on top of this, Ive had to watch coworkers I care about get fired, and have to worry about my own job. While I hate my job, I dont want to get laid off before I find a new one since I am not in any position to be without a paycheck. The atmosphere around the office is horrible. Everyone walks around focused on the layoffs and not their jobs, and we all feel like it could be our last day at any moment. I feel sick every day I have to walk in there and face another day.

I have done a few fun things so my life isnt totally bad. I just wish the fun could balance out the bad since there seems to be way more stress than good times. For my fiance's birthday, we went to a Sox game and had great seats in the skybox:

I also went to the pumpkin farm this weekend with my fiance and had fun in the corn maze (even if it was SO cold outside). I also had a relaxing evening last night - my fiance made a fire, we played board games, and then watched the Blackhawks game under a blanket. One of his kitties even curled up on my lap.

So life isnt all bad - just busy and stressful with fleeting moments of happiness. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I can hang on to my job (at least until I find a better one), get in some wedding planning, and lose some weight.

An update

2009-09-23T21:39:00.002-05:00

Yes I am still here - it definitely has been a while. I feel like I havent posted in forever. The good news is, I havent fallen off the bandwagon, but my life is just so stressful and crazy right now that I have had no time to write about anything. Basically my life consists of work, sleep, and more work. My job is seriously killing me, and every day is a battle to not just get up from my desk, walk away, and never come back. I honestly dont see how any of this is worth it. Sure I need a paycheck, but this is taking years off my life. I have no time for anything personal, wedding plans, or exercise. Im averaging about 1 or 2 days a week of actually getting some exercise in. I hate that, I feel like Im going to get really out of shape. I have been on track with my eating though, so thats at least one good thing. Im just trying to eat every few hours and drink lots of water to keep me going. I have no idea what I weigh - I weighed in a few weeks ago at 159 so at least Im still under 160. Lets hope thats still the case.

So thats whats going on with me. Im still trying to read everyones blogs, and hopefully at some point this will die down, and I can focus on my weight loss and health again.

This is why I get frustrated

2009-09-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

Up to 160 - this is why I get frustrated. Ive been eating right all week, have actually gotten back into the habit of exercising (2 days so far), and my weight goes up? Exercise + good food should equal weight loss. Not gain. This is so irritating. I have nothing else to report except for my irritation and frustration.

Monday quick one

2009-08-31T19:22:00.003-05:00

Just a quick check in - I am back to my regularly scheduled weighins. Down .4 from Friday which is good, but still a bit high (159.4). Definitely nearing TOM territory though so Im guessing that is probably why I feel bloated and my weigh is higher. Why does it feel like it is always TOM?

Saturday after dinner my fiance and I went for an hour long walk which was really nice. It was quite cool out which is rare for August, so we figured it would be a good night for a walk. The wind was pretty crazy which is typical for Chicago, but it felt really cold and my face was numb from the windburn. We walked around in the fields near his house which involves a lot of up and down hills and picking your feet up through the brush so it was a pretty decent workout if you could call it that. But it was nice - definitely something I would like us to continue doing once we are married. We will be one of those couples you see walking every night hopefully.

Not Sure (and some wedding dress pics!)

2009-08-28T16:57:00.006-05:00

I am not sure how I feel about this less frequent weighin. On one hand, its nice because I have enough stress with work that I dont need to get stressed out about the scale. On the other hand, it means there are more surprises like todays surprise which is that I am up to 159.8. What the heck? I feel like if I had weighed myself 3X this week, perhaps I would have seen what was going on. But to think I was probably back down to 157 like I was last week and then to see this, I was a bit shocked. I certainly didnt eat anything out of the usual. I did only exercise 1 day this week due to my 12 hour a day work days lately (except for today where I finished up and got the hell out of there), but thats how its been the past 2 weeks and it wasnt doing that. TOM is nearing but it seems too early to be bloated because of that. Oh well, who knows. I dont know if I like surprises...

In more positive news, I got my wedding dress!!! I went on Tuesday with my matron of honor and the sample was in, and I barely was in it and I already knew that it was the one. No decisions needed and I didnt even try the other dress on. While the sample dress was tight (as you will see from the back picture), I was completly shocked to find that it was a size FOUR. And I was in it. holy crap. Especially since they say wedding dresses are smaller. I definitely did not order a size four (a 10 actually), but it was a little boost to my ego that I could get in one. They took my measurements and you will love this - an 8 on top, 6 in the waist, and a 12 in the hips! Yup thats me, I have wide childbearing hips that are the largest part of me. I was pretty pleased that my waist was a 6. But its no wonder I have such a hard time finding clothes when Im different sizes all over. I tried on a veil and it just looked wrong, so I definitely decided not to go with a veil. I am planning on doing a nice hair clip or something like that. Anyways, heres a few pics. Ignore the weird looks on my face, I was so exhausted and it was 830 at night and I hadnt eaten dinner or anything yet. Now I just have to wait 5 months for my dress to come in!

Time for an update

2009-08-24T20:48:00.005-05:00

I feel like I have been away for a while! As you can see, the stress hasnt completely consumed me, but coming back from my 4 day weekend definitely resulted in a long work day and 170 emails to get through.

Focusing on the good, I had a wonderful time on my "romantic weekend" at Lake Geneva with my fiance. The weather wasnt as good as we had wanted since we did want to go on the waverunners like we did last year or at least lay by the pool in the sun, but it was rainy and quite cool. But we found other fun things to do like going to two wineries as well as a cheese shop where we got to try some of WI most delicious cheeses! I ate a lot of seafood and while I know I over indulged at times, I actually think I did really well. We were pretty active, getting a lot of walking and swimming in the indoor pool in. And mostly, it was just nice to relax. We went in the hottub every night and it felt great. I didnt get on the scale today, but its fine. I actually could still use a break from it. I weighed myself last Wednesday and was down to 157 again which was wonderful, so i think the less frequent weighins might be just what I need.

While in the hottub one night, there was a couple there and the woman was quite large. While getting out of the hottub, some younger girls in bikinis and a guy got in and started to make fun of this woman because of her size. They made comments like "how could that guy be with her?" and "how can you let yourself get that size?". It made me so angry. here was a woman who was spending time with her husband and enjoying herself and then had to endure comments like that. Especially from these girls who, very likely will gain weight when they go off to college (I heard them say they were 18). Its just sad that there are people like this out there - it really is a form of discrimination. They know nothing about this woman. For all we know, she could have already lost a bunch of weight or be working hard to get to her goal weight. Or maybe she is struggling - in any case, she doesnt deserve to be judged on her weight. It was just an eye opening experience and once that really bothered me and shows that you can be an ugly person at any size and wearing a bikini!

My sample wedding dress of dress #1 I posted last month is in and I go to try it on tomorrow and take my measurements! So excited!

Here are a few pics:

Im here

2009-08-17T20:28:00.002-05:00

Im here - barely. Work is out of control - I worked 12-14 hour days tuesday-friday, and the trend has continued into this week. I feel like everything is out of control. I have so much work to do that its impossible for one person to complete it, yet I feel alone and like no one at my work cares or wants to help out. My stress level is so high that I am making myself physically ill. I am supposed to go on vacation this week as well and right now I have no idea how that is even possible or how I would enjoy myself thinking of all that I have and need to do. I havent worked out, I dont know what I weigh.

Little by little

2009-08-10T19:31:00.002-05:00

Slowly but surely my weight is coming back down. I am down another 1.4 today from Friday, to 159. I am happy I am under 160 again, but what can I say, Im greedy and would like to see 157. TOM is a few days away so I know that doesnt help. Overall though, I feel better since I have a completely on plan weekend for the first time in 2 weeks. Something about staying in control and not starting the week feeling guilty about any choices I made helps my general mood with the weighin. My tummy (though bloated from TOM), does feel flatter than last week, and the good news is I will likely continue to go down during the week.

My stress level has not been good these past few weeks. Work is just insane, plus all of the wedding things that I need to do. I was getting angry because I was checking in on the sample dress they were bringing in of the one I found in PA, and they wouldnt return my phone calls. I get frustrated when I feel helpless. Its like, ok you will cash my check but not return my phone calls? I finally heard from them and its coming in next week, but it was just another source of stress that I didnt need. I would just like one stress free week please!

What Gives

2009-08-07T17:46:00.002-05:00

Im glad I didng weigh myself on Wednesday because I would have been correct in my assessment of being disapointed. I am disapointed today. Sure my weight is down almost 2 pounds from Monday, but its still over 160. What the heck? My food has been spot on all week. Ive even increased some of my water intake as well. Ive exercised 3 days this week so far which is a day less than usual, so Im really not sure what is going on. Last week I was really high and then really low on Friday. I was hoping for the same trend this week and so I have to ask myself what gives? whats going on that my weight is so high? Im not one of those people thats eating extra things or eating junk and then coming on here and acting like Im shocked. I truly dont understand what is happening. Nothing has changed and yet my weight is higher. Im watching what I eat and not letting any extras come into contact with my mouth. I appear to be doing everything right, yet my weight is not going back down. This is so frustrating. I have worked so hard to be where Im at and its just not happening. Grrr! that is a noise of anger and frustration. I know know, I always seem to have these entries lately which is probably why no one even reads my blog anymore. but this is the honest truth of weight loss and how much it really sucks!

Checking in

2009-08-05T19:13:00.002-05:00

Didnt weigh myself today which is rare for me, but I really dont want to get upset over the scale. Im sure my weight is down, but I worry that Ill get on and still be unhappy because its not down enough. Eating has been on track and Ive worked out twice so far this week which is good. I skipped my workout on Monday because I worked 11 hrs and just wanted to crash on the couch. But I worked out yesterday which is usually my rest day so I think I made up for that.

Lately Im getting bored with the EA Active, so I think I need to try and switch it up or find something new. Im still exercising, but I dont feel into it. I dont like that feeling and Ive had to push myself just to do it. I find myself thinking of myself when I was a lot larger, or how I might look on my wedding day, and it motivates me. But I still need something new to keep me interested.

I watched "More to Love" again last night, and this will probably be the last time I can take that show. Besides the fact that it is just bad television, I truly think its wrong in that some of these women already feel that they are in love with this guy, but its only because he is the first person who has been nice to them and treated them well regardless of their weight. Thats not a reason to love someone - because they can stand you - and I dont see how this can be healthy for any of the girls. This guy is comfortable in his own skin, and I think he needs a girl who is the same. Im just tired of hearing these girls complain about how no one has loved them or how much their weight has held them back. I know its rough, I have lived it. But at the same time, I didnt try and let that hold me back, and I certainly was never that desperate that I would do whatever I could for the first person that showed me some kindness. What a sad show! I guess by watching it I would have a lot to write about, but I dont think I can take it anymore!

Enough

2009-08-03T19:10:00.002-05:00

I have had enough of camping, and enough of the scale. This week isnt as bad, but not by much. Im back up to 162.2 which is another 4 pound gain. I actually did much better this weekend in terms of eating, which makes this weighin just ridiculous. I did have some steak in a shish kabob on saturday, but I have had steak before and not gained 4 pounds. I was pretty active - we took a lot of walks and swam some, so I guess I just have to attribute this to swelling. Unfortunately I got some more bites on my legs and they are swollen even more than they were last week. I never used to have this much of a reaction to bites before, but I guess my body likes to throw me off sometimes. I know I should just shrug this weighin off, know that Ill be back down just like I was last week, but Im just tired of getting on the scale and hating what I see.

I cant even report anything for July except a gain. This entire month I have been between 159 and 162. Definitely much worse than June and May where I was between 156-158. I know that I have had a lot of trips and parties that Im sure have brought me up temporarily, but its not like Ive gone out every weekend and every week night and stuffed myself silly. Ive been very active this month. Despite my work schedule picking up again, I still have maintained about 4-5 days of exercise in my schedule.

This weight is playing with my mind as well. I keep looking at pictures and thinking I look fat - that I can see the extra 4 pounds. I want to be losing weight for my wedding and instead Im gaining it and feeling horrible.

Into the Wild...again

2009-07-31T18:32:00.002-05:00

This will be a quick one since Im headed off to go camping again! After last weekend Im not quite as excited about this, but Im sure once I am there I will be glad to get away. I had a horrible day at work and Monday will likely be just as horrible, so I could really use some relaxation this weekend.

Happy to report the weight is 158.6 which is another 1.4 loss which gives me a 4 pound loss for the week. Most of the swelling is gone which the scale reflects. I definitely have learned my lesson - I am covering myself in DEET so the bugs leave me alone this weekend! I dont want any more bites or swelling.

Still up there

2009-07-29T17:22:00.003-05:00

Was hoping for a better weigh in today, but the weights still up there. Fortuntately it is down 1.4 from Monday, but still above 160. The good news is I definitely wasnt imagining my swelling. Monday night my legs continued to swell and they are still about 3X larger than usual. I definitely got some bug bites that were not mosquito bites, so clearly I was having a reaction. The swelling from my sunburn on my arms and shoulders went down so at least that probably accounted for that pound I lost. Tuesday I could barely get a tanktop over my shoulders because they were so huge that the shirt wouldnt stretch across them. It definitely messes with your mind because suddenly it felt like I was 226 again and that is NOT a good feeling. Now I just wish the swelling in my legs would go down. Not to be vain, but I was planning on wearing my swimsuit this weekend and now Im too embarrassed by the giant size of my legs and feet. I definitely have "cankles" going on right now.

On another topic, did anyone watch "More to Love"? I actually thought it was quite rediculous. Sure, its great to see some people who are not a smaller size on tv, but at the same time, I felt that many of them used their weight as a reason why they couldnt find love and that this show was their only hope. Now Im not saying its easy to find someone that loves you as you are, but I dont think that problem has anything to do with size. It may make it harder for some, but there are people out there who I think would love someone as they are and not care. I know I used to wonder if my fiance would have dated me if he met me when I was 226 rather than 135 as I was when we met, but what I do know is that when I was 226, he didnt leave me, didnt ever make me feel fat, and always made me feel beautiful. So it is possible and I just think this show places too much emphasis on how theres no one out there who wants to be with someone who is overweight. I think this show is just fluff, and would be more interesting and effective in getting a point across if there were both plus size and smaller sized girls, as well as men who were plus size and men who were not. Now that would be much more interesting!

Back from the wild

2009-07-27T17:58:00.002-05:00

I am back, and it definitely was wild. Friday we had to endure two huge storms with strong winds and lightning - one with hail, Saturday it was an air mattress that deflated leaving me feeling every single bump in the bed of the truck and not sleeping, raccoons swarming our site and opening our cooler, gross bugs, lots of bug bites, and a sunburn. All in all it was a fun time, but this was one of the more rough camping trips Ive had to endure. The lake itself was beautiful and I was disapointed that the beaches were flooded since we couldnt swim. We did a "nature walk" as they called it and that was a lot of fun and we saw some box turtles and deer along the way.

Now before I tell you my weight, I have to say that I did really well this weekend. I ate my fruit and stuck to the meals we brought. I did have two smores on Saturday night and an ear of fresh corn from the local famrers, but I kept my alcohol intake pretty limited, and I was pretty active what with all the walking around the trails. So I am sure you can imagine how shocked I am to get on the scale today and see 162.4. I wanted to cry. I havent been this high in....at least a year. I really dont get it. I do feel really swollen today from the bites and the sunburn on my arms and legs, but it just doesnt seem right that I gained like 4 pounds this weekend. I know the smores and corn werent the best things, but Ive had worse and not gained 4 pounds. It sucks - I feel like Im just going in the wrong direction and feel almost helpless. I know that I should just take a few days and wait and see if it comes down a lot once some of my swelling has gone down, but its a hard thing to see and live with. Now I am more concerned than ever to go away camping this weekend because I hate to see what the scale says next weekend. Just when it was starting to finally move down, this happens and it just makes me question everything Im doing. Im just trying to look past this, focus on the great time I had, and not let this get me down. It just sucks when you try hard to do whats right, allow yourself a few treats, and then you see something so disasterous that makes you regret it all.

Into the wild

2009-07-24T16:07:00.003-05:00

Leaving shortly to head off for my camping trip, but still had time for a quick weigh in. Im happy that Im down another 1.4 from Monday to 158.2 which gives me a 1.8 loss for the week. I guess the good thing to know is that when you stick to a healthy way of eating and exercise, if you do have a few days where you dont follow it and gain, just spending a few days recommitting will take that extra weight off fast. It just sucks when its weight that you have already lost. Now I just will need to remind myself of that this weekend when surrounded by all the snacks around the campfire....

Not much of an update

2009-07-22T18:57:00.003-05:00

Not much of an update here - thankfully I am down .6 from Monday which is a step in the right direction. I must admit that I am disapointed that its not more.

Ive worked out 4 days in a row this week, have been eating SPOT on. That is something to be proud of for sure, but I only wish that it would bring me back down on the scale. Sometimes it does baffle me that I was eating exactly like this and the scale showed 156 yet now it does 159. What gives? I wish I knew.

I was just hoping for a good loss, something to get under my belt before heading into the weekend so I could have a bit more confidence to avoid all the temptation. My friend has already told me all the wonderful things she is making and bringing and its going to be hard! However I did stop at the store today and picked up some fresh fruit to cut up and bring, so at least I get points for trying.

Time to Weigh in

2009-07-20T18:25:00.002-05:00

Ugh I really did not want to weigh in today. I had a feeling it wouldnt be good, and its not. Not to say that I ate really bad or anything over the weekend. Since last Tuesday I have been on track with food and exercise. But still, I havent weighed in in 2 weeks and some time away from the scale had me worried that some of my bad decisions would show, and indeed they have. I havent been 160 in quite some time and I seem to not be any where near 156 lately at all. Actually the last time I weighed 160 was January of this year. Not so good.

So I am disapointed with myself. I am disapointed I didnt work out during my trip. Im disapointed I ate some things i shouldnt have. Im disapointed that I didnt limit my portions at the brazillian steakhouse last Tuesday. If I had made the right choices in these scenarios, then I wouldnt be upset right now. The scale would reflect those right choices. It also scares me, because i see myself going in the wrong direction. On one hand it completely sucks that a few bad meals and the scale goes up this much which means that I can never really eat like a "normal" person. On the other hand it just goes to show that I need structure and to make the right choices all of the time because Im not someone that can have a few bad days and not see it affect me. Im going to just swallow the frustration, disapointment, and fear and just keep focusing this week on doing the best that I can. It doesnt help that I have camping this weekend and next weekend where there will be bad choices every which way. Sure Im bringing my healthy stash of food, but there will be temptations and a lack of routine, and I hate to let yet another week or even two go by and continue to see this on the scale. This isnt what Ive worked hard for months for, this isnt why I worked hard to get a good bathing suit body to only see it get mushy and fatty. I am just really angry at myself.

In other news, thanks for the comments about the last dress! It helps to know what people like about one dress or the other. Today after Ive gotten out of the moment, I find myself still drawn to dress #1. While I love both, when I think about it, I can really picture myself in the first dress. I felt more comfortable in it, and when I think about having to give up a dress, I find myself the most upset about not choosing the first dress. I also wouldnt change anything about it, while the dress that I posted yesterday I do find myself looking at certain aspects of the dress and wishing they were different. I guess thats my decision right there! I still plan on being objective and waiting for the first dress to come in so I can compare them side to side and maybe I will feel differently. But today, I think dress #1 is coming through the clear winner.

Decisions, Decisions

2009-07-19T18:48:00.004-05:00

This is another non-weight loss entry, but still exciting. I went and tried on more wedding dresses today with my matron of honor, and found another fabulous dress. I am still torn between this dress and the last dress, so they are going to order the dress that I posted previously, and then I can try them on side by side. But if you commented on the last dress, let me know what you think about this one! Which one do you like better? My only concern with this dress is that it makes my butt look a little bit bigger because the back comes down more with more fabric. I also tried a veil on and it looks nice.

Avoiding

2009-07-13T19:21:00.007-05:00

I am back and avoiding the scale. I have a feeling I probably wouldnt like what I see on it. Thats not to say that I went crazy on my trip. I was super busy most days and didnt sit around and snack or eat things I shouldnt, however I did go out to eat several times, and I did eat a few things that probably were not the best choices. I also didnt get any exercise in (aside for any walking I did), and that doesnt help things. So for the meantime, I am going to avoid the scale until I can get things back on track. I know any gain I would see is temporary (and TOM is also hitting me) and I would rather just think back on my trip with good thoughts rather than regrets.

I had a wonderful time in PA. The wedding dress shopping was so much fun, and Im still thinking about that dress so I have a feeling that it will become THE dress. We also drive to Ohio and went to a really cool "safari" type of place called The Wilds. Its much better than a zoo in that the animals are out there in the open rather than stuck in cages, and you can get so close to them. I will post a few pics below. It was a really fun time, and my vacation went by WAY too fast. I will be ready for my next on in August.

Busy busy busy at work this week catching up, but Im just going with it, eating on track, and exercising all I can, and hopefully I can get back into my routine again. Unfortunately I have another dinner planned for tomorrow night with some coworkers so Im sure that will through my healthy eating plan for a loop, but Ill do the best I can like always.

Hello from PA (and a dress pic)

2009-07-09T16:21:00.004-05:00

Hello from PA! Just had to post a few pics of one of the wedding dresses I tried on today that I LOVE. It seems a bit early to say that it might be THE one, but I think it might be. I tried on several other dresses, but I just cannot get this one out of my mind. Enjoy! (and all I have to say is, Im wearing a bridal corset under my clothes every day since they make you look so thin! lol)

Not Going So Well

2009-07-06T18:42:00.002-05:00

Things with me and the scale lately have not been going so well. I am down today to 159.2 but considering I usually am around 156-157, I hate to see that 159. True, I have eaten more in the last few days than I normally would, but its not as if I have been eating unhealthy or not getting any exercise in. To make things more frustrating, I took my measurements and not only have I not lost any inches, but I have actually gained inches in my arms. Now I realize that it is likely the muscle I am building up because I have noticed a nice difference in my arms since I started using the resistance band. However, this is just so frustrating! How can a person eat healthy, exercise, and never lose weight or inches? I dont get it.

I did have a fun weekend and had a great time at the Taste of Chicago. We got a lot of walking in since we took the train and then walked a mile to the park. Between walking around the park and another mile back to the train, I got a lot of walking in and it felt really good. Probably helped to burn off the extra food I ate although I did enjoy that this year they provided some of the food in "taste" portions which are smaller than a normal portion. The fireworks were great, and I enjoyed watching the sun go down in Grant Park with the city skyline around me. The 4th was also nice and despite some rain, we got to see some more fireworks. Overall I ate really well and filled up on fresh fruits and veggies. If only the scale would reward me for that!

Well this will be my last weighin for the week since Wednesday I am off to PA to visit my parents. I am looking forward to some time away from work, and my mom and I are going to visit some bridal stores on Thursday so that means I will get to try on dresses! SO excited about that. Hopefully it is a good experience - I have spent too many hours in dressing rooms in the past hating how I looked and not finding anything that fits. Wish me luck!

Brave

2009-07-01T19:12:00.002-05:00

I had to decide today if I wanted to be brave and face the scale. I knew it probably wouldnt be good, but sometimes Im surprised. Unfortunately it was not good and I felt a lot of my bravery disappear, but I can deal with it.

I am up to 159.6, BUT before you worry that I have gone off the wagon, do not fear. As the large project I have been working on at work for the past 7 months has wrapped up, the presidents o fthe company threw a party for me and the other 3 people on my team (and some others that helped out) to say "thanks". It was a really nice time - the head senior consultant on the project gave us each a bottle of wine and a thank you card which was nice since most consultants dont ever really care about the work that you do. The not so nice part was that the party was held at a mexican restaurant and we were not able to order what we wanted. They selected some appetizers and small meals for us to all share and then we could have unlimited giant margaritas. And chips and salsa of course! So you can see that I consumed absolutely nothing of nutritional value and a whole load of salt. I woke up this morning so dehydrated and feeling like absolute crap, so it just goes to show that your body WILL pay you back when you put some things in it that its not used to.

Despite it all, it was a nice time and Im glad that I got to enjoy myself. The three others on my team and I all feel like war buddies so it was nice to kick back, bitch about the project, and have fun together. I hate what the scale says and I hate that this is how I have to bring in the new month, but it happened and its over, and perhaps things will be better by the end of the week.

I wish I could say that my eating will get better this week, but not only am I going to a party on Saturday for the 4th, but my fiance and I are going to the Taste of Chicago on Friday, which is basically just a big food orgy for anyone that doesnt know what it is. All the delicious Chicago restaurants and food vendors show up and put their best food on display and you walk around Grant Park eating and drinking. Its a fat person's heaven and I havent been in years. Im not too concerned because I definitely dont eat like I used to, but its hard to go to something that celebrates food and not enjoy yourself either. Mostly Im just going to hang out in my beautiful city on my day off, and then enjoy the fireworks at night. See, I guess it is possible to go to a food festival and not just go for the food.

100th Week

2009-06-29T19:29:00.003-05:00

I hit my 100th week of eating healthy and losing weight. If you are the 100th customer in some stores, you win a prize. I guess my prize would be that after 100 weeks, I am still healthy and going strong and my healthy habits more a part of my life than ever.

Unfortunately I have to report that my weight is up 1.2 today and Im not really sure why. Nothing out of the ordinary this weekend was consumed and I got in my usual amount of exercise. Lately it seem like my weight has been a bit higher than it was and Im not sure why. I will have to try and figure that out and look back through past weeks. My stress level the past few weeks has been really high so I would imagine that probably plays a big part in how the scale reacts too.

I completed my 30 day challenge through the EA Active which is pretty awesome. It was a good challenge full of lots of types of exercises, so now I am just excited to take my measurements this weekend and really see some changes. I may even go back and do the challenge again at a harder level (I did it on medium) now that Ive completed it once.

Protein shakes?

2009-06-26T17:53:00.002-05:00

Weight today was much better - 157. Thats a pound loss from Wednesday so I am thrilled about that. TOM really puts a cramp (and actual cramps as well), in my weighins but at least when its over, I see a nice loss. I am getting excited to take my measurements this month because Ive been feeling great and am hoping this EA Active is doing its job. Im just about complete with the 30 day challenge, so it will be a good time to check in and see if its working for me.

So I need to ask if anyone has a good and FAST recipe for a protein shake for the morning. Ive been drinking the same one for about 1.5 years now 3 times a week and Im just plain old tired of it. I would love some suggestions on anything that you love and that is FAST and I stress fast because I have little time in the morning so I need something fast and easy to whip up or something that could be made the night before that would still taste great the next day. Let me know! I look forward to hearing some of the things you all like.

ONE YEAR

2009-06-23T19:57:00.004-05:00

Yes, one year ago, I met my goal weight of 160. It is so hard to believe! It seems like so long ago, but then again, it seems like yesterday.

I could choose to focus on the fact that within the past year only lost (and gained) about 4 pounds, but instead Im going to focus on what I have accomplished and how I have felt. True, I did choose at the time to try and make it to 150 and I havent tried to maintain rather lose, but the reality is, I lost the weight I wanted and stuck to it. That is pretty amazing.

I started out at 226 pounds and have managed to maintain just under 160 for a year. What a year it has been! Losing this weight really did "set me free" as my blog name indicates. I have felt so much comfortable in my own skin and really feel like myself - the true self that was always hiding. It feels wonderful to be healthy and know that my body may not be perfect, but its still pretty awesome.

I spent most of the past year trying to lose some more weight and while I wasnt as successful as I wanted, I placed so much more emphasis on exercise than I did the first year I was losing weight. I was lucky if I worked out once a week, and now I get about 5 days. For that, I am extremely proud of myself. I work so many hours and used to hate exercise, and I have turned it around so that now I find the time and really enjoy the exercises I choose.

I am really proud of what I accomplished this past year. Every day is still a challenge to make the best choices. I am sure as the years past it will get easier, but maybe not. I know just as easily that the weight can come back on if I dont work at this and work hard to keep up with eating right and exercise, but thats a lifestyle that Im willing to adopt for the rest of my life. Still, the more years I put behind me, the more confident I am that this IS me and not the person at 226 pounds. Im not planning to hide myself in the layers of weight that I used to every again.

I cant wait to see where I am in another year!

Edit: I thought I should add in some pics for good measure!

Before:

After!:

Busy past few days

2009-06-22T19:12:00.002-05:00

its monday and I feel like I am ready for the weekend again. I had a great weekend, but it was very very busy. Thursday we met with the pastor and he approved to marry us, so the date is Oct. 16th, 2010 which coincidentally is Sweetest Day. The chuch is so beautiful and was a perfect decision. We had then looked at a reception hall in the area which I loved and really wanted more than the place we had visited on the previous Tuesday. Unfortunately you needed 180 people min. to book a room and we werent going to have that many. I was dispointed especially since it was so close to the church and two hotels. However they did have another location with 150 people min, so on Friday we went there. It was just what I wanted, and I even was able to book the one room with a double staircase instead of just a single staircase to make my grand entrance in. Love it! Unfortunately we were hit by some horrible storms when leaving which soaked us and made us late to dinner with our friends. I then returned home to find that I had no power and had to make it through all these hallways to get to my apartment in the pitch black. Then the power came on at 330 and then the fire alarms went off so we had to all evacuate in the middle of the night. Definitely was not a fun evening.

Weight is still the same as last Wednesday, 158.8. Im disapointed its not down more after TOM is over, but Ive worked hard all weekend at eating right and getting in exercise, so I dont think there is much more that I could have done. I did go to the gynecologist today and she said "and your weight is still the same..." which disapointed me because it would have been nice to hear after a year "oh youve lost some more weight!". But it is what it is.

I feel pretty good though. Ive booked the church and the reception hall within a month of getting engaged so I think that is pretty awesome. I feel a lot of stress relieved and now I can take some time to work out the other details and not feel as rushed about it all.

Checking In..

2009-06-17T19:40:00.004-05:00

A quick check in - down .6 from Monday so Im slowly getting back to a number I am more comfortable at. TOM started so it could be much much worse.

I did well yesterday with my dinner. We had like 10 min to eat before we had to leave to get to the reception hall and it was raining and flooding so it took us even longer, but I just ate a sandwich, some string cheese, and strawberries which was about the healthiest I could manage. The bread was white bread which is something I dont eat, but once isnt going to hurt anything and since the scale is down, I guess I didnt make too bad of choices. Much better than if we had stopped and gotten fast food or something.

The reception hall we looked at was really really nice, but I have a feeling our 2nd choice which we are looking at tomorrow will be the one we go with. They are both the same in terms of price, but the one we are seeing tomorrow has more than the one I saw last night in terms of how close it is to the chuch, the liquor provided in the bar, the space, private bridal suites,etc., so I think we have nailed down our decision. Now we just need to set our date! We meet with the pastor tomorrow and hopefully he will approve to marry us and we can put a deposit down for a date. I am nervous about this simply because I want to set the date and know that the longer we wait, the less chance we have at getting the reception hall we really want. But because this is the first meeting with the pastor, I worry he wont let us put a deposit down yet when I just want to do it already! I will feel so much relief to book the chuch and reception hall, and then take a break for a little while on some of the other details.

Heres hoping I can successfully manage another dinner out tomorrow.

A tad frustrated

2009-06-15T18:12:00.002-05:00

Ok this is starting to get frustrating. I weighed in the same as Friday - 159.4. Still high. True I didnt gain anything, but I guess thats the point. I didnt do anything that would cause me to gain or stay the same.

I ate on plan Friday, Saturday, and yesterday. Worked out on Saturday and Sunday. I even walked around for over 2 hours at a bridal expo yesterday. So it does baffle me that my weight would still be so high. Its hard to imagine that over a week ago I was down to 156 and now Im seeing this.

I guess the only thing now I have to blame is TOM. Or maybe that steak is still passing on through. who knows. but with my one year anniversary of meeing my goal approaching, it would be nice to say that I actually made some progress in this past year instead of basically ending up the same.

Blah! Im also nervous because I will be going to visit a reception hall tomorrow after work and the church after work on Thursday, which likely means that my fiance and I will be either going out to eat, getting takeout, or eating something that probably is not one of my best choices. I know, I know, I can do my best and make healthy choices, but still. I would just like one week of being able to stick to my routine and plan and know that Im not undoing any of my hard work.

Better than I expected

2009-06-12T17:29:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the birthday wishes - my birthday was pretty great. Dinner was absolutely delicious. The steak was perfect, the broccoli cooked just right, and the wine was phenomenal. We were not going to get dessert but the waitress heard it was my birthday so she brought over a plate with a truffle and a chocolate covered strawberry which was perfect since I ate the strawberry and my fiance ate the truffle which was the perfect amount. They wrote in chocolate on the plate "Happy Birthday".

I am up .2 today but honestly, I expected worse. Sure its still quite high but considering I ate a steak, 2 glasses of wine, and a glass of champagne less than 24 hrs ago, its not so bad. I guess when you put things in proportion like that, it could be much much worse. I also did not drink enough water at all and woke up dehydrated and still feel very dehydrated today.

The meal was worth it even though I dont like what the scale says. It felt good to go out and celebrate my birthday and enjoy myself and all that the year has brought me. Thats much better than feeling guilty and its no problem to get right back on track. This should be it for a while of meals out, so I should see that scale back down next week.

About the Same

2009-06-10T19:28:00.003-05:00

Weighed myself today and it was down .2 from Monday which is good, but I hate seeing 159 on the scale. I am still extremely bloated (if not more so) but I also think this is due to TOM and not just what I ate on Sunday. Here is a picture of me and infamous cake that I did not want:

Lunch yesterday was nice - I ordered my usual egg white omelet and fresh fruit and really enjoyed my lunch out with my two friends. I asked them to be bridesmaids and they said yes so Im really glad that now I have all my bridal party (my best friend, sister, and my two work friends). I ate healthy too so that was a plus, although I wish the scale reflected that.

So tomorrow is my 27th birthday! I really dont like turning another year close to 30, but its inevitable. And at least my Wii Fit says my fitness age is 21, so Ill just pretend that is my real age. I will have my fabulous dinner out and enjoy it, and even though Im sure the scale will not be good to me on Friday, at least this will be it for a while for meals out.

Not So Good

2009-06-08T17:52:00.003-05:00

My experience with the scale right now was not so good. I am up THREE pounds. You would think that I completley stuffed myself all weekend, but thats not even the case. Saturday the plans changed and we ended up going to a different restaurant for dinner and I enjoyed some healthy salmon instead of all the meat that I thought I was going to be eating. I had the salmon and some vegetables, and one glass of wine and it was wonderful. I felt good about staying on track and continued my healthy behaviors yesterday too at my cousins birthday party. I skipped on all the snacks that were sitting there in front of me, skipped on the alcohol, and filled my dinner plate up with fresh pineapple, salad, and since the choices were hot dogs and brats, I had a hot dog without the bun. I was feeling really good about that.

Then came the cake. It was not my birthday party, but my aunt made me a birthday cake since my birthday is on Thursday. I was so shocked and it was a very nice gesture. However, then I felt that I had to eat a piece since she went to all that trouble. I had a small slice and it wasnt even that great. For me, I dont mind indulging in things that I truly enjoy. For me, this cake was not something that was worth it. Now I am paying the price on the scale (and sorry for the TMI - in the bathroom as well). All day I have been bloated, sick to my stomach, and I feel as if I could fart myself into outerspace. It is such a horrible feeling to have and I hate to look at the scale and know that despite my best efforts, it wasnt good enough. Its hard as well knowing I am still going out to eat two more times this week and I know by Friday, I will probably not even want to face the scale.

I will have to just do my best and even if things still arent great on the scale, I know they could be worse if I was really letting myself go overboard. I know when this is all said and done, the scale will be back down.

And the eating begins...

2009-06-05T18:38:00.002-05:00

I love summer, but summer is always so difficult to stay on track because there are always parties, birthdays, concerts, vacations,etc. that involve food and lots of it. Unfortunately for me, this weekend starts the beginning of many food related events that while fun, will present challenges in keeping with my healthy lifestyle. Tomorrow my fiance's parents are taking us to Sabor de Brasil to celebrate my birthday next week and our engagement. Sabor de Brasil is an expensive brazilian steakhouse where they walk around with meat on swords and you can eat as much as you want. I have been there one time before and it was delicious, but meat doesnt sit well with me and especially not in large quantities. The good thing is that you can eat as much as you want, or as little as you want. Meaning, I can stop eating when I am full and not have to worry about a plate of food in front of you. They keep coming to your table giving you meat if you have the green sign up. If you have red, they wont stop and give you any. I am excited to go!

Then sunday is my cousin's birthday party, which I am not too concerned about because I can usually find healthy things at most bbq type parties. Tuesday I am going out with my friends at work for lunch to celebrate my birthday early and we are going to our favorite breakfast place. I have found delicious healthy things there in the past, so I plan on doing the same this time around. Thursday is my birthday, and my fiance and I will be going to the winery as we usually do for our celebrations where I wil have my usual $30 steak (more meat!) , peach bellini sorbet dessert, and probably lots of wine. I know this already and while it isnt the healthiest meal i will have, its something I enjoy and dont do often so I can allow myself this one night of indulgence.

From there, the summer just keeps on rolling on. I know I did fine last summer and will do fine this summer, but I also dont want to end this summer not having made any progress towards my goals either. I think the fact that I am aware of this and plan to do my best will help me be successful.

Speaking of success - weight was down to 156.4 which is the lowest Ive achieved so far so lets hope this is a good sign, and good motivation, that I will see 155 soon!

Midweek update

2009-06-03T20:20:00.003-05:00

Weight is down today, -.2, which isnt much but its something. Im at 157 so hopefully on Friday that means I see 156 again!

Im really loving the Active. I know I wrote about it last time, but Im 4 days in and I think it is really cool. I hope that at the end of the 30 day challenge Im doing in it, I do see some real results. The use of the resistance band definitely helps challenge me more so I think that is a good addition to my workout gear.

In wedding news, I think we decided on a church, so now we just need to go there and put down a deposit for the date and iron out the details. It came down to two churches, one that was cheaper but had a $200 marriage counseling thing you had to do, and the other was more expensive but still within budget, and you dont have to pay money for the few visits with the paster. I would rather my money go into a nicer church than counseling, so that helped make our minds up about that. Im excited now to set the date - hopefully we can get into the church soon and get our date!

Measurements, Wedding update, EA Active Review

2009-06-01T20:49:00.004-05:00

Before I get into my review of the Active, my weight is down .2 to 157.2 so thats something at least. Its not too often I start a week with my weight down, so Im happy that I can say that this week and hopefully be back down to 156 something by the week's end. Unfortunately my measurements were disapointing - i didnt lose anything in my left arm and waist, and very little in my hips, right arm, and legs. I am disapointed because I worked hard this past month and it sucks when there is little to show for it.

Talked to our parents this weekend and both offered to help pay for the wedding so that is good news. My parents havent committed to an amount, but my dad said he wanted me to have a nice wedding and understands what things cost and knows that some things may be less or more than we are expecting. Now we just need to find a place! There was a church that we were interested in and I called today to get the info. It is within budget, however you actually have to pay for the premarital counseling which Im not crazy about so I will see if my 2nd choice church doesnt have a fee like that so that I can save some money.

Now for the EA Active! I love it! I think it is everything that the Wii Fit is and then some. Not only do you log on and exercise, but you are also quizzed on your lifestyle behaviors such as how much water you drank, your veggie consumption, fast food consumption, sugar consumption, and other activities that you do outside of the game. You have the choice of many different types of exercises, but you can also do a 30 day challenge which is what I started to do so that I can be bathing suit ready in a month! I like the resistance band that comes with the game, however I am not crazy about the leg strap. I like how the game can monitor your movements with the leg strap and tells you if you are going too fast, squatting too low, etc. because your form is so important and that is something lacking in other fitness games Ive purchased for the Wii. But the leg strap does slide and even though I have tightened it as much as possible, it still does move. Other times it doesnt register me which I think is partly due to the fact that I am tall and most people's thighs are not as high up as mine so its thinking Im not squatting as low as I really am. Other than that, I dont have any other complaints about it. The sports are really neat - I love the tennis and baseball. I think the exercises are a good mix of cardio and strength (although I wish there was more cardio than just walking/running/circuits). You can also see how many calories you are burnining and there is a lot of positive reinforcement as you work out, journal, and win trophies. They set goals for you in terms of calories to burn in a week, hours to exercise in a month,etc. Overall, its a great "game" and I definitely recommend it to anyone who has a Wii!

Another Month

2009-05-29T17:45:00.003-05:00

Another month gone by and it doesnt look like Im ending this one with any loss to be able to report. While I am down a pound from Wednesday and down from last week, I am ending this month at 157.4 which is .6 up from last month. I know that at the beginning of months, I usually am down in the 156's but by the end of the month with TOM ending and such, I usually find myself up and it always ruins my stats. Hopefully I have some luck with my measurements although I consistently worked out 4 days a week instead of the usual 5 I was doing the first few months of the year due to my crazy work schedule.

I did get my EA Active today for the Wii and am SUPER excited to try it out tomorrow. I hope it is everything I expected it to be and will get me on my way to really achieving what I want with my body. I will have to let everyone know how it is.

Making some slight progress in the wedding dept - I think we found a church that will work. Neither one of us belongs to a church and he is Catholic and I am not which means we cannot get married in a Catholic church because I am definitely not converting or taking the classes, so I was stressing over the last few days about where in the world we could go to get married. Then I found a church that is nearby my fiance's house and after looking at the website, it really seems like the right place. I think we will call and go check it out next week and hopefully it will be what we want and they have October openings for next year. I hate that I am already stressing about this, but thats what I do. I am extremely nervous because I am talking to my parents this weekend about the BUDGET. First I will ask them if they will help me pay (which I am hoping is the case), and second that they will pay for a significant amount. My fiance is having a similar conversation with his parents. Sure, it is atypical for the man's family to pay, but he is an only child and did not attend a state 4 year university, so I figure they have some savings as a result and can put it towards this since it will be their only wedding. But I am nervous none the less that my parents will not pay or pay for much, and he and I really cannot pay for a whole lot. Wish me luck!

Back to reality

2009-05-27T20:13:00.002-05:00

I wish that the weekend could have lasted forever, but I went back to work yesterday and Im already stressed out again! Luckily I have happy thoughts and look down at my ring any time I am in a bad mood because of a client or a project. Everyone at my work was so excited yesterday and people kept coming up to my desk to congratulate me. I went to a concert last night with my best friend (Yeah Yeah Yeah's concert which was awesome!) and asked her to be my matron of honor. Already I am so overwhelmed with questions about dates, money, things to do,etc. Thankfully we are thinking of Oct. 2010 because I want a fall wedding, so we do have some time. Any wedding planning advice is welcome because I will need it! I guess for the next year or so this will be a diet/wedding blog! Although I do need to tone up and get ready to look fabulous in a wedding dress, so I have my work cut out for me.

Weight is at 158.4 which was disapointing, but I did eat a burger on Monday (or half of one) so I know that usually the red meat affects me for a few days. I actually did really well this weekend. I did have a few beers on Friday night in celebration of the Blackhawks winning, then the wedding on Saturday ended up being really healthy so no worries about anything I consumed there. Sunday I was on track, and Monday I was so excited about being engaged and talking to everyone at the party that I didnt eat very much either. I guess being distracted by something so exciting doesnt make you want to linger around the snacks. Thats one way to avoid them! So I know my weight is up but know it will be back down and I didnt do any serious damage this weekend.

A day to remember

2009-05-25T20:39:00.002-05:00

Today is not only a day to remember those who fought and died for our country, but also because today is the day that I got engaged!!!!!!!!!

Before we went to the party, my boyfriend said, Heather I love you, will you marry me? And then he pulled out a ring from his pocket! I am walking on cloud 9 right now. My parents are thrilled, his are thrilled, and my best friend walked in at the party and I showed her and she screamed and picked me up - she was so happy. One of the best days of my entire life!

Hooray for a 3 day weekend!

2009-05-22T16:45:00.003-05:00

I am so glad that it is a 3 day weekend. I really need it. This week at work was horrible, and unfortunately I found out that this will continue for the next two weeks as our client imposed another tight deadline on us and of course we have to meet it. I plan on just enjoying this weekend while I can and getting the rest that I need to help me get through these next few weeks.

Thankfully, my weight is down almost 2 pounds from Monday to 157.6. I will take it! That is not so bad considering my ankle is still swollen and I have TOM. I attempted some actual cardio exercise the other day and it was difficult. I struggled through 45 min, but got through it. My ankle is sore as a result, but it was sore anyways so I figure maybe it will help strengthen it up a bit. Its still yellow and then blue in some spots. ick! But Im glad I have enough strength to get through that because I was sick of doing pilates and I dont think it was helping to burn off much.

So Im sure this weekend will be full of parties and food so I plan on just doing my best. Tonight already I am going out to a bar to watch my beloved Blackhawks play against Detroit so I will likely consume at least one beer. Then tomorrow I have a wedding to attend (although thankfully the bride and groom only eat vegan so Im pretty sure the food will be healthy). Then Monday will be a bbq. I will make the best choices I can and hopefully I wont be up too much for my weighin next week. Hope everyone enjoys their long weekend!

Scary

2009-05-18T19:58:00.003-05:00

My weight today is definitely scary - 159.2. I havent been anywhere near 159 in weeks and yet here I am. I am sure that it mostly has to do with my ankle which is still extremely swollen, TOM, and my lack of some good aerobic activity. I am so bloated today from TOM is not even funny.

I have worked out some, mostly pilates where I dont have to stand on my ankle, so its better than nothing. My eating was on track this weekend, but I definitely wasnt as active as I normally am. I mostly laid around a lot trying to get this ankle on its way to healing.

So Im hanging in here. Work this week will be insane, I already worked an 11 hour day today so I dont have anything good to look forward to this week, but hopefully by the end of it my weight will be back down.

What a Day

2009-05-15T21:12:00.003-05:00

oh today was quite a day, and not in a good way. I worked until 7 pm which sucked and can look forward to more of the same next week. We were told we might have to work this weekend, but I said that I would rather work long hours next week and actually have a weekend.

But that is not the worst of it. This morning I stood up on my tiptoes to look over the cubicle wall to see if a programmer was at his desk. While coming back down on the ground, I fell. Yes, just fell. Didnt fall over anything, didnt trip, just fell. It was the most embarrassing thing, but to make matters worse, I twisted my ankle. God it was painful. I just came toppling down in front of two of my coworkers and I was humiliated and in pain. I just kind of laid there on the ground for a minute and once I could get over the pain, I used my upper body strength to pull myself up and then everyone rushed over getting me ice and various other things to prop my foot up. It is pretty nasty - all black and blue and the side of it sticks out like a tumor. Im just glad I didnt break it because I heard something crack when I went down, but I guess it wasnt my foot. To make matters worse, the HR lady came over to basically find out if I hurt myself because of something in the work environment and I had to just say that I fell because of absolutely nothing and she didnt have to worry, I wouldnt be needing workers comp. Its one thing to fall because of something, but another to just lose your balance and fall.

So needless to say, I havent weighed myself, I dont intend to, and all I want to do right now is curl up in bed and pretend today never happened. Hopefully this can heal soon because I would hate if this ruined my whole exercise routine. I will probably have to do mat exercises where I am not standing on my feet or putting pressure down because it hurts to even walk. Other work related things happened today that were bad too, so today was just cursed for me and Ill be glad that in a few hours, this day will be done.

Midweek Weighin

2009-05-13T18:11:00.002-05:00

Down a measly .2 but at least its going down. I hate TOM sometimes because you work hard and you want to see those results and it just screws everything up. I related to something that Tara said on the Biggest Loser last night, that she likes weighing in because when she sees a loss, she feels like she has accomplished something. That makes a lot of sense because Ive been told that I weigh myself too often or focus too much on the scale and while that is true, its not always because I want to lose weight or lose weight faster. Its because when I do lose, I feel that I have accomplished something and that my hard work has paid off.

Speaking of BL, the finale was great. It was hard because I thought all 3 were deserving, but I was rooting for Tara just a little bit more simply because I relate to her the most. I think I relate to the drive that she has because I feel that I have that drive as well. Some people struggle with weight loss, and while I have struggled, somehow i just keep going because I know that I have to and because I want it. I think her stats throughout the season (winning almost every challenge, never being below the yellow line) show that she has tremendous drive and willpower and that got her further than gameplay ever did. All in all, I really enjoyed this season. Last season I was getting so tired of the people and the game play, and this season renewed my interest again and really inspired me. I think the episode where they ran the marathon was possibly the best BL episode ever. I hope the continue to make more seasons with these types of characters rather than those who are in it for a quick weight loss fix and some money.

Friday I will be going out to lunch for a coworkers birthday and I have no idea where we are going. That is making it hard for me to plan what Ill be eating. Im certain based upon some of my previous experiences that I can find something, but Im still slightly nervous and sure that the scale will be up regardless. Ill just do the best that I can and even if the scale is up, at least Ill know why.

Up Up and Away

2009-05-11T19:53:00.002-05:00

My weight is definitely up - 2 pounds, so I am less than thrilled. But, TOM is rearing its ugly head, and I ended up eating a burger at the party on Saturday, so I guess that all combines into one 2 pound gain.

The party was fun even though the weather wasnt so nice, and I was able to make healthy choices. I skipped on the snacks, and while there wasnt chicken for dinner, I was able to eat half a burger with some salad and fruit. There was actually a healthy dessert too with strawberries, so I was happy that I didnt walk away from the party feeling bad about anything that I ate. We also played some Wii Bowling after dinner which Im sure helped burn some extra calories.

At least I know I did well and if Im up 2 pounds, then at least its not from anything that I did. Once TOM is over, I know my weight will be back down again. My stress level will probably be really high for the next few weeks which isnt good for weight loss either, but there isnt much I can do about that. Im just trying to think happy thoughts and leave work at work rather than stressing about it when Im at home.

TGIF

2009-05-08T18:36:00.003-05:00

Im sure I have had other posts labeled as TGIF, but I am definitely glad its Friday today. Luckily my weight was down 1.2 from Wednesday to 156.6. That is still up .2 for the week, but thats barely anything, and TOM is coming so this is usually when I start gaining. Thats the good thing about tracking your weight - you know about when your weight will go up and then come back down.

Tomorrow my boyfriend's parents are having a bbq for mothers day (a day early), so Im sure I will be in the presence of a lot of food. Hopefully they will not just have burgers, but chicken as well. Otherwise Ill just have half a burger like I normally do, avoid the snacks and desserts, and enjoy all the fresh fruit and veggies. Speaking of fruit, my grocery had the huge cartons of strawberries on sale and I bought two huge ones today. I love strawberries! Anyways, wish me luck I can get through a bbq and not gain TOO much.

Whatever

2009-05-06T19:20:00.003-05:00

After a day like today, all I can say is, whatever. Im going to say Whatever to my client who doesnt think that the blue on her reports is blue enough. Im going to say Whatever to the backed up traffic in the rain that took me over 2 hours to get home in. Whatever to not finding a parking spot anywhere near my apt. Whatever to the fact that I asked for my landlord to replace my torn window screens 2 weeks ago and they havent done it and I cant open my windo for fear of bugs coming in. Im going to say Whatever to the giant chocolate chip muffins that sat in front of me during a meeting today but I passed up and ate fresh strawberries instead. And Im going to say Whatever to the scale that told me I was up .6 today for absolutely no reason.

I will say Great Job to myself though for wearing shirt today that fit perfect, if not slightly too big, that was tight last year.

Its OK

2009-05-04T20:06:00.003-05:00

First things first, I weighed in .8 up. but at 157.2, I'm not complaining. Even though I didnt really lose anything last month, I can say with certainty that I am seeing 159 and 158 less and less, and 156 and 157 a lot more.

I will admit that on Saturday, I was really really disapointed with my measurements. I didnt lose much and here are the results:

Right Arm: -.04
Left Arm: -.03
Waist: -.02
Hips: 0
Right thigh: 0
Left thigh:0

Didnt lose much anywhere and what I did lose is pretty miniscule. It was hard to see. Despite the fact that for the last month I have worked out 3-4 times a week rather than 5, I still thought I would see better results than that. My arms are looking pretty good and I guess this explains why the upper half of me went down a size. Now if I could just get the lower half to match.

But its all ok. I dont know why I feel that way, but I do. I think I am really starting to look at the bigger picture. When I look at how far I have come this year, I definitely have made strides in focusing less on what the scale says and more on how I feel. I feel pretty great actually. Maybe its the increased exercise that has lifted my moods and made me more accepting of my body, but I dont actually hate it right now. I came to terms with my weight at this point a while back when I realized it was just a number and that I could still change my body without changing the number on the scale. While its been slow, I have felt the benefits of exercise more than just with measurements or the scale. I feel good and I feel like I am finally taking care of myself the way I should be. Its not a bad place to be.

Along with this, I can feel my focus start to change. Not that I am falling off the wagon, but I dont feel so focused on weight and food all the time. Things in my life are starting to change - my boyfriend and I are looking at houses and engagement rings (!!!!), and I realize that now that I have my weight under control and its become a part of my life, I can focus on other things that I want. Im thinking that perhaps maintenance is something I might be ready for. It would be nice to get some more food in, but at the same time Im afraid to move into that phase when I feel ok where Im at. We will see. These are just some random thoughts Im having. In any case, I dont mind where Im at and thats the first time in a long time that I can say that.

April is gone

2009-05-01T17:29:00.002-05:00

April is gone and May is here! My first weighin for May is 156.4 so thats pretty great! I am happy with this weighin as a single event, however for the month of April, I actually didnt lose anything. I started at 156.4 and ended there. I guess it could be a lot worse, but I was hoping for at least something. Let's hope my measurements tell a better story.

I know that it was a tough month for me though. Work was extremely stressful and I missed out on some days of exercise as well due to getting home so late. My parents visited and I ate out for like 4 days in a row. So when you add all of that up, its not a surprise I didnt lose anything, but also good that I didnt gain anything.

I putting all my bets on the measurements, and Im nervous. Part of me doesnt expect much of a change due to the fact that I didnt get as much exercise in this month. Another part of me wonders because after my clothes shopping experience, I can tell the upper half of me has changes since I can now wear Mediums instead of Larges. In any case, I hope its not a disapointment, and now I know some things I need to work on for May.

Another successful lunch

2009-04-29T19:24:00.002-05:00

I guess I was able to have another successful lunch out yesterday because I am down .4 today. Sure I was hoping for more, but 157 isnt so bad at all.

So yesterday I got a salad with dressing on the side (which I actually never used), and it was great! It had baby greens, pears, almonds, goat cheese, dried cranberries, and chicken. It was of course an obscene helping and I only had about a 1/3rd of what was there, but it was delicious and full of all my favorite healthy things. I got a good serving of veggies, fruits, protein, dairy, and fat. AND I didnt even eat the breadstick either.

I think the more I eat out, the more confident I feel that I can make healthy choices, enjoy them, and lose weight. Previously I used to go to this place and get a half pizza and half salad. The salad would have had bacon and other unhealthy things in it. The salad I ended up getting was phenomenal and if I had never decided to become a healthier person, I probably would have missed out on something so delicious.

I also wanted to just post quickly to say that I thought Biggest Loser was great last night. I was so sad that Filipe went home instead of the finals, but I do think that a lot of contestants this season have really been able to change and keep those changes and incorporate them into their lives when they are back home. It has seemed less game (except Ron), and more actual changes. Perhaps thats why I have enjoyed this season more than some others - I really feel that a lot of the contestants have valued this experience more than just losing weight and have a full awareness that when they go home, it will be tough. Great epsiode though, and I liked when they showed them what they looked like before and then after. What differences! Sometimes you need to see that to really know how far you have come. I think the majority of them dont need to lose any more weight because they look so great already.

Monday

2009-04-27T18:59:00.003-05:00

For lack of a better title, yes it is Monday and the weekend went by much too fast. Weight is up .6 which I expected because I have been bloated since last night and my stomach was hurting today every time I tried to eat. I suspect it might be the goat cheese I had in my dinner last night that brings out the teeniest lactose intolerance in me.

The good thing about my stomach issues today was that I had absolutely no desire to eat cake. Yes there was cake today at work to celebrate a coworker's marriage and another coworker's new baby. It did look delicious, but I knew that one bite would sent me to the bathroom (sorry for the info!), and that was enough to motivate me to stay away, not to mention that I dont need all that sugar anyways. So this is the 2nd cake this month that I have been able to resist and Im doing well.

Tomorrow will the the monthly lunch out at work and the place we are going to doesnt have many healthy options, but Im hoping I can manage again like I did last month when we went to Culvers and I had to be clever in what i selected and made my own chicken salad out of a side salad and chicken sandwhich without the bun. It does take some planning, but it can be done and it was worth it last time, so hopefully I can have some success tomorrow as well and see that scale be down on Wednesday.

Shopping trip

2009-04-24T19:06:00.003-05:00

Ahhhh nothing like a 1.6 loss to put you in a much better place! I am happy to be down to 156.8 which is a good sign things are back to normal. Eating healthy and working out these past few days has been great. Stress at work has simmered down for the week, and Ive noticed Ive felt a lot calmer and less tired, so its something to say for how much stress takes a toll on your body.

Im glad to see the weight loss because I didnt have the best shopping trip this afternoon. Because its so nice out and I had pulled out some of my summer clothes, I was disapointed to note that the ones I had hoped to fit in better this year dont look much different and then there are some that are too big. This leaves me with just a few things to wear. I thought I would go to the store after work and get some capris,etc. Well it was a frustrating trip. Apparently I am in between sizes so if I go a size up, the waist is too big. If I go a size down, the hips and thighs are skin tight. I was also unhappy that I was in a size 14 rather than a comfortable 12 which I have been wearing. I realize sizes change from store to store and style to style, but no one likes to go up sizes, especially when they have maintained a healthy weight and are losing some inches in various places. Apparently those inches are not enough in the hips and thighs. Its just disapointing. Shirts are the same way - I was swimming in larges, but some mediums were too tight. Others were fine which is good that I have basically gone down a size in tops, but what I really want is to be going down with my lower half. I also hardly found anything, so apparently I will be going naked this summer! JK- but I seriously will be wearing the same 5 shirts and 2 pairs of capris if this keeps up.

I guess when you lose weight, you really think that you will be able to go into any store and find clothes that fit and feel great. I dont always feel that way and it sucks sometimes. Having experiences like this makes me feel down on myself, which i dont like to feel either since I have worked hard to get this body and I want to feel good in what I wear.

Seems like forever

2009-04-22T19:02:00.002-05:00

It really does feel like forever since I posted. Almost a week! My parents are gone and I have settled back into my routine, which feels good. As much as I enjoy spending time with my parents, it is hard to really stick to things.

The good news is that I am up only .8 from Friday. I know that probably doesnt seem like good news, but I honestly expected to be up much much more, especially with TOM. I havent exercised since Saturday (although I did show my mom and dad the Wii fit which they both loved and want to go buy immediately), and I ate out just about every day. I had some healthy things to cook, but we always ended up out somewhere. I made the best choices I could, and Im glad that it probably paid off some as I could be up a few pounds or something. Friday was such a beautiful day and I ended up going to a party and actually had a beer (which I never drink), so that also was not the smartest choice, but I enjoyed myself and at least I dont regret my decision now that I see the weighin.

But today Im going to exercise and I have been eating well since yesterday, so Im just glad this weekend didnt through me off schedule too much. That said, its good to be back.

Finally Friday

2009-04-17T17:06:00.003-05:00

You all have no idea how glad I am that it is Friday. This was one of the worst weeks ever at work. But it is finally over, and I got out of work as soon as I could. Weight right now is 157.6 so I am feeling pretty good about that. That is 1.2 from Wednesday and down .6 from last Friday, so Ill take it! Im pretty sure the 45 min of core training I did last night helped.

My parents are coming in this weekend and it should be a fun time. The selfish person in me wishes that I could just have a relaxing weekend by myself to relieve all the stress Ive been feeling, but sometimes thats not the way that it works. I also know that I wont be eating at the healthiest places (but can make the healthiest choices available), and I likely will miss out on some exercise on Sunday and Monday. My mom is interested in checking out the wii fit, so I think if I can get her to do it, I can do it as well and get some exercise in there too. We will see, but its just one weekend and if Im up on Monday, then Im up on Monday.

Halfway there

2009-04-15T19:29:00.003-05:00

The positive is that it is Wednesday and the week is half over. Other positives include the fact that today there was cake and pie for a consultants 10 year anniversary with the company and I passed by it all. The last good thing is that my weight is down from Monday to 158.8 so that is a .8 loss so far.

The bad is that my work schedule is obscene right now and not much better than last week. Other bad things include the fact that I am likely not going to get any exercise in today due to another bad thing which is my parents are coming in less than 3 days and I need to do massive amounts of laundry and cleaning which unfortunately need to take precendence over working out (cleaning can count, right?!?) in the 2 hours I have when i come home from work before going to bed. Lastly, while my weight may be down from Monday, its still up. At this point, Im blaming stress and TOM.

Woe is Me

2009-04-13T19:33:00.002-05:00

My life continues to be stressful. Today was horrible. My weight is up 1.6 from Friday to a high of 159.6. I hate my job. My car died out again today. I hate how I never have time for myself.

I did however just workout for 15 mins. Its all I have. But Ill be damned if Im going to let this freaking job get in the way of my being healthy.

Rough Week

2009-04-11T11:21:00.004-05:00

It was definitely a rough week this past week. Its ironic that on Monday, I started off the week feeling great and very calm. Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I feel a bit better today which is why I am finally writing, but I know most of the damage is done from the week.

My weight is 158 which isnt too bad, but its still quite high for me. I did some good things this week, but mostly some bad things. I definitely let the stress get to me. I was so busy at work that I was eating lunch at strange times, not eating lunch at all, snacking at wierd times or not eating at all, not drinking enough water, and eating dinner at 9 at night a few nights. Add mising a day of exercise into the bunch, and that is why I weigh 128. Yes, this is the "fun" of having the job that I do.

I did have a Kashi TLC binge experience that I am not proud of. The one good thing is that they were Kashi crackers and not something completely horrible for me. But the point is that I overate and it wasnt because I was hungry, it was because I was stressed. I sat there in my cubicle freaking out about the work I had to do eating and eating those little crackers. Crackers that normally I can eat a serving of and put away.

I am more upset that I let the stress get to me. I certainly have been stressed before at work and have written about it, but I didnt start to let some of my old behaviors sneak in. Granted this was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while at work, it doesnt make it right. I think a lot also has to do with control. The reason things got so bad at work is because I had little control over what was happening. My job for projects is to make them go well and smooth and we have a whole system of how things work in order to get the client what they need on time. I did everything I could, but because this client is our largest client and one that pays us millions of dollars every year, they get away with changing things at the last minute, and I still need to deliver. I was left with a day to check my reports for them, and that is not a healthy way to work. It wasnt my fault and nothing I could do to change the situation. While the rest of the office went home for a half day for Good Friday, I had to stay there practically chained to my desk just to get things checked and ready for Monday. Its not fair, and I got caught up in what isnt fair and let it get the best of me.

Some day I will learn how to get by in life without ever needing food in that way. But that overeater in me is still there and that is why I get afraid sometimes that I will gain the weight back, because that person hasnt entirely left me. I do well most days so I know this isnt the end of the world, but I am disapointed in myself and feel like its hard for me to get on track to just feeling OK again. Easter is tomorrow and there will be food everywhere and its just another source of stress that I just dont want right now. I dont want to leave tomorrow feeling poorly about the choices I made and look back and blame it on stress. I dont want to weigh in on Monday and see a large gain and know that I did this to myself and no one else. There is nothing else to blame. I just have to do the best I can and hope that its enough.

Not Liking Where this is going

2009-04-08T18:40:00.003-05:00

So I knew why I was up on Monday, but today I am clueless. I am up .2 and while this isnt a large gain, I wasnt expecting to see a loss seeing as I was up so much on Monday. I really wish I knew what was going on. I havent been this high in a few weeks. My water and diet are in check, exercise is on track, so what gives? Its times like these are the most frustrating to me. If it was something I could control, I would feel much better about it.

Something I had wanted to write about was from last Friday. Last Friday while at a friends house, we happened to watch a video from New Years Eve in 2003. While I certainly expected that I would be overweight, I wasnt at my heaviest weight then and when I look back on that time, I dont remember really feeling fat. Well let me tell you, when I saw that video I was so shocked by how I looked. It wasnt at all how I remembered looking at that time, and it was hard to see. It definitely reminded me why I did this, and why I can never go back to that. There are still times where I worry that it will happen. While I feel that I have control over things the way that my life is now, I know that wont always be the case. I havent even been under/at my goal weight for a year yet. It does concern me that in the years to come things will just slip away. Not that I want that to happen, but its my fear and probably a fear of most people who have lost and maintained weight. This video is something that hopefully will remind me that I NEVER want to go back to that weight again.

But on the up side - it is pretty cool that I look better at 26 (almost 27 yrs old) than I did at 21. Most people usually wish to look how they did when they were younger and for once, Im glad that I am this age and look the way I do.

Content

2009-04-06T18:20:00.003-05:00

Today I actually feel on track with things and pretty content. Usually Mondays are stressful, but I got a lot done at work and I feel very relaxed which is strange!

I am not content with my weigh in (up a pound), but I also know that its probably due to the larger lunch I had today. As today is opening day of baseball, they decided to throw a baseball party at lunch. While I chose the healthier options, I also ate more than I normally would and Im sure that has caused the gain. The rest of my weekend was good in terms of food and exercise, so Im not going to stress too much about it and Im sure it will be down again by the end of the week.

I took my measurements this weekend and was pretty pleased. They are as follows (and the difference is from the previous measurement, not the original measurement):

Right Arm: -.08
Left Arm: -.03
Waist: no change
Hips: -.95
Right thigh: -.09
Left thigh: -.10

Overall I am pleased. Last month I was actually larger in my thighs, so Im glad that I actually lost inches and beyond what I had started at. I was disapointed at the no change in my waist, but Ill try to focus more on that this month. So far I have lost a total of 1.40 inches all over my body which sounds small, but if thats what I get every 2 months, I wont complain because that definitely adds up over the course of a year. I am also almost at an inch lost in my hips which is really exciting. My hips are my widest part of me and also the largest, so Im glad Im making progress there. So it looks like March was a good Month for me!

Busy days

2009-04-03T17:53:00.003-05:00

It certainly has been a busy week and I am glad that it is over. Unfortunately my weight is up from monday - 157.6, but thats still pretty darn low so Ill take it for now.

I had a fun time at the Blackhawsk game (they won and are still holding their spot for the playoffs!), but it was a challenging evening in terms of food which is why I am guessing I am up. We got there and walked around seeing what they had to eat. It was pretty much pizza, hot dogs, nachos, etc. Finally we found a place that had a grilled chicken sandwich, and seeing as it was about the best thing I could find, I got one of those. While it may have been the healthiest thing there, it was far from healthy. The chicken itself was fine, but the bun that it was on was toasted with what was probably oil or butter. I didnt eat much of the bun, but it was hard since there are no utensils and I was out in public eating with my hands. They also gave you a ton of chips - so no healthy veggies or fruits. But I did my best, and passed up on all the beer, pretzels, and popcorn that I would have eaten in the past. All in all I think I did well.

I also missed a day of exercise since I was at the game, so that also probably has something to do with the gain. But Im ok with it - I know its only temporary. This week had a lot of temptations - two days at work someone brought in donuts, and another day someone brought in Potbelly sandwiches. I was able to resist all, but it was hard because I have been so stressed out. Work has been crazy, and then something interesting happened at work today that also kind of stressed me out as I wasnt sure what to do with the situation. I was talking to a coworker this morning about wine, and then an instant message popped up on my computer. It was from another coworker who wrote "do you hear heather? she doesnt know what she is talking about at all". I read it and was at first confused because it was about me - but to me. Then I realized that she had meant to send it to someone else, but sent it to me instead. I was not sure what to do about it, so I just left it there on my computer and got up to get some coffee and think about how I wanted to respond. I was slightly miffed because I worked at a winery for over a year so I know quite a bit about wine, but I dont really care if someone wants to gossip about me. I was planning on going back and just typing "I think you meant to send this to someone else" so she would know that I saw it, but also not make it a big deal. So I started walking back to my desk, and I see her coming from my desk. I sit down and see that she deleted the message from my computer. I got pretty upset because I dont like the fact that she would go to my computer and delete something off it. Sure, it must be embarrassing to make a mistake like that, but at least own up to it and maybe make a joke out of it. Instead she has to be sneaky and try to get rid of it. I spoke to someone about it, and she said that I should report it. I didnt know if I wanted to do that, so I continued to work and put it aside. Granted this girl didnt know that I saw it, so it was interesting that all day she kept finding reasons to talk to me. She NEVER talks to me. She would come by just to ask me a question. Later on she asked if I got my haircut because it looked really good. Clearly she was trying to see if I was going to say anything. It was kind of rewarding to see her obviously sweating it, wondering if I was going to report her or if I had seen it. I left work and I got a call from the coworker who is next to me, and said this girl came over to her and asked why I was being "so cold". The fact that she would even ask someone proves she was fishing for info to find out if I saw it and if I was going to do anything about it. I also think its funny how she says I was being cold, because this is probably the most we have ever talked and I was pleasant to her. I think she was just hoping this coworker would share something with her and she would know for sure.

So some interesting drama for today that I didnt need. It amazes me how sneaky some people can be. We all make mistakes, but live up to them!

Pleasantly Surprised

2009-03-30T18:38:00.002-05:00

Just weighed in at 156.4 - a new low! Boy I am surprised! Usually I am up on Mondays, and I especially thought I would be up since I was lacking in the exercise department all last week. So today is a happy day!

Its also a happy day because today is the first day in over a week that I have felt back to normal with no more flu symptoms. I still have a lingering cough, but at least I can function normally throughout the day.

I was worried on Friday that I would have to end the month with a small loss, but now I can really claim a much larger loss for March - down 1.8! That is pretty fantastic for me, since last month I didnt lose anything. I cant wait to do measurements later on this week, since I dont have much time right now. I am hoping I see some results there as well. Let's hope this is a good sign that things are finally moving again and moving in the right direction.

Wednesday I will be going to a hockey game, so I plan on trying to find something healthy to eat there which will be challenging. I will be going right from work, or I would try to eat something beforehand, but Im sure I can make do. I just dont want to lose this gain due to eating something stupid, so I will have to do my best.

Alive, barely

2009-03-27T17:46:00.002-05:00

Yes I am still alive, although I dont feel like it. The worst part of this flu is over, but my body is just so exhausted. I barely have the strength to do anything. Now I also have a horrible cough that has made my throat sore and causes me to be out of breath all of the time. I attempted to exercise yesterday as it was the day where I felt the strongest, but could barely get through anything without having a coughing fit.

And just how is my weight you may ask? Well on Wednesday I was down .8 from Monday, and today I am still the same. I am disapointed that its not more, but for my complete lack of physical activity or exertion in any way I will take it.

I was hoping to have lost more so that I could close out the month with a pound loss. However, its looking like I will only be able to claim a .4 loss. I guess it could be worse - it could be a gain, but not what I was hoping for, especially since I was down to 156 a few weeks ago before TOM. I will have to see how my measurements go. With the exception of this week, I have been keeping up with everything so I hope to see some inches lost, but after my disapointing month last month, I wont get my hopes up. I am worried that my work schedule in the next coming weeks will limit my ability to get in some good exercise time, but Im not going to try and worry about it - rather just take each day as it comes.

ok typing this took just about all my energy, so its back in bed for me.

Sick

2009-03-23T17:10:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am sick again. This time with the flu. Please just kill me now. It started on Saturday with the chills, body ache, and a fever. Yesterday I laid low but still didnt feel much better today. I took half a day off work and honestly dont feel any better now either. I really cannot take another day off work, but I dont know how I can go in again like this.

Weight is up .6 but I dont really care. I havent exercised since Saturday, and even though I dont have any appetite, Im still trying to eat what I can, and am doped up on medication so Im sure thats accounting for the fluctuation. I tried to do some form of exercise yesterday, namely some stretching, but it didnt go so well and I ended up feeling worse instead. Guess sometimes you just have to say screw it, and give your body some rest.

Glad

2009-03-20T18:09:00.002-05:00

All I can say is, Im glad its friday. It was a rough week. Today was the icing on the cake, but Im home now and can start my weekend.

The good news is Im down 1.8 from Monday. The bad is that I am still up from where I was last week by .8. Im going to put that blame on TOM and leave it at that. Although, I must point out that it seems that each week of the month, my weight increasingly goes up. For example, week 1 I was at 156.6. Week 2 was at 157.2, and now week 3 will be 158. That is not a good trend to have, and I really have no idea why that seems to be happening. I will have to look into this.

I did have a good moment this week on Tuesday. Tuesday was our monthly lunch out at work, and the place was Culvers. For anyone not living in the midwest, Culvers is fast food - nicer fast food than mcdonalds, but fast food. I was nervous going into the lunch because what I would have used to get there in the past would be a bacon cheeseburger basket with fries. Then I would top if off with an m&m concrete mixer (like a Dairy Queen blizzard). Now of course that was the old me, so I figured that a salad would be the best option. The good thing about culvers is that the nutritional info is posted on line and you can see every ingredient that goes into a meal. I was so disapointed to find that even their salads were really unhealthy and the portions were larger. They ahd a side salad that was the lowest in calories and a better portion, but it didnt have chicken in it. So heres what I did: I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich without the bun, and then upgraded fries to the side salad. Then I cut up the grilled chicken and put it into the salad. Tada! It was fantastic and healthy. Im not going to lie - I was still tempted while there seeing all the things I would have used to eat. It was hard too when my tray had a picture of the very concrete mixer I used to covet. Then I found out that it was buy 1 get 1 free day so several coworkers were asking if I wanted the free one. But I turned it down and still enjoyed my meal. It felt good to go out and do something healthy, even if it took a bit of brain power just to figure out how I was going to make that happen. Sometimes it would be nice to be like my coworkers and go out without thinking about exactly what I would eat, but at least Im a lot healthier and even though my weight isnt exactly where I want it to be, I know that Im doing everything that I can.

Surprised

2009-03-16T17:43:00.002-05:00

I knew I was bloated today, but man - up 2.6??!?!?!?! TOM is a bitch. Thats all Im going to say. I did not expect that at all. Im disapointed because I had a great weekend. I ate healthy and exercised consistently, and I did a lot of housework yesterday and worked up a sweat so I would have thought that would count for something. I havent been this high in about 3 weeks which just sucks.

I did have a good NSV on Friday though. I was at my friends house, and she had bought Cadbury mini eggs. I used to love those things passionately and would eat an entire bag in a sitting. So when she pulled them out, I thought, Id love to have a few. I grabbed a few and put one in my mouth. My first thought was, this really doesnt taste as good as I remember. It tasted so sweet and rich. I put the rest back in the bag which was pretty awesome considering how much I used to love them. Its good because that used to be a trigger food and one I could never eat in moderation. Now I have no desire to eat them at all. Its funny how our tastes change. Dont get me wrong, I still love chocolate, but what I actually just wanted to eat was a crisp salad. Who am I?!

Self Image

2009-03-13T17:59:00.003-05:00

A good scale today - down to 157.2 which is 1.6 less than Wednesday. Friday is definitely my low day. I was still hoping to see that 156 again, but Im close enough.

I tracked a few more days, and it does look like I am coming up just a few hundred calories short of where Im supposed to be. Some days this isnt as much as others depending on what I eat. So I guess next week I will try to fit in an extra healthy snack here and there. Ill admit Im nervous about it, because normally you think youll eat more and maintain or gain. I know that if I went into the maintenance portion of my the LAWL program, I would be eating more, so I guess I feel slightly uncomfortable eating more with hopes of gaining weight. But its just a test to see and I know that if I do start gaining, Ill cut back again.

Ive been trying really hard to look at my body lately and see it how it really is. I think my self image is way off. The other day I got a friend request on Facebook from a high school friend. I accepted and proceeded to do what everyone does - look to see how they are doing and of course, compare themselves to them (I do anyways!). This friend wasnt obese or anything in high school, but she was definitely the heaviest of our friends. I checked out her pictures and she looks great! And by great, I dont mean that she dropped down to a small small size, but she has lost some weight. I was looking at her, and realized that she is probably about the same size and proportions that I am now. It got me to thinking about how hard I am on myself. Here I am thinking how great someone else looks when I too have a body like that. Its not the skinniest, but it looks healthy and proportionate. I am almost admiring what I have, and the reason is that I just cannot see what I have.

I dont really know how I go about changing myself image. Dont get me wrong - sometimes I look at myself and really like how I look. But other times I still look at myself and think that I dont look much different than when I was heavier. I know thats silly because looking at pictures, its quite obvious I dont look the same. I dont always feel like I see myself the way I really am. I am my own worst critic, and rather than looking in the mirror and liking what I see, I am so much harder on myself than I am looking at someone who has a body just like mine. Again, I am not sure how to really change this. Ive always been a perfectionist and while this has served me well in my professional life, personally its not the best quality to have. I need to really see myself and work past the issues I have with my self image. I guess I will have to do some researching around on the 'net to get some thoughts on how to change this.

Wednesday

2009-03-11T18:46:00.003-05:00

I had hopes the scale would be back down to where it was last Friday, but nope, only at 158.8. Which is not a completely bad thing considering I was at 159.6 on Monday, but knowing that Im still not back down to where I was last week is frustrating.

I have noticed a pattern though, that I am usually at my highest weight on Wednesdays, and lowest on Fridays. Monday is usually right in the middle. I really dont know why that is, but I really wish that I could at least maintain a steady weight throughout the week. While working out this evening I realized that is already almost mid March, and it doesnt look like this month will show any loss either. Lets hope that this is the month I really notice results with my measurements.

I am looking into this, but briefly (because I dont count calories), I plugged my calories into a calorie counter, and it looks like I am possibly not eating enough. That seems strange to cause a gain or maintain, but maybe with what Im eating and the frequency with which Im working out, Im actually not losing but gaining. Just a thought. I may track a few days and if it looks that way, I may try eating more and see what happens.

Thanks to everyone who posted great ideas for helping me when I stay over at my boyfriends. Most of the time I can plan to bring healthy foods, but sometimes I have those nights where Ive had too much to drink, the weather sucks, or I fall asleep watching a movie with him and its not planned. Those are the hard times. And exercise - in the summer we are really good with this and at least go for walks or bike rides. Last Sunday was difficult because we were gone all day (woke up, went to breakfast, went to the game, came home and had dinner with his parents, I went home, made my lunch for the next day, and went to bed). This isnt always the case, I think normally its hard to get my butt moving because I feel bad being at his house, but then ditching him. I need some ideas of how to get exercise in but involving him too so hes not bored or wondering why I didnt just go home....

Choices

2009-03-09T17:18:00.002-05:00

Some times I feel like I have to make choices that arent so easy. I am not talking about a choice between a cooke and an apple. Im talking more along the lines of - stay home and be able to eat your healthy meals and exercise, vs stay at your boyfriends house where you have little control over the meals and no exercise. Thats the choice I had to make this weekend. Its hard because I want both. I want to have a healthy lifestyle, but I also want to be able to stay at my boyfriends house without a fear of a gain.

I chose to stay at my boyfriends house, and as a result Im up 3 pounds. I dont necessarily regret my decision, but I wish there was a way to reconcile these two different worlds. Dont get me wrong, its not that my boyfriend and his house are totally unhealthy. However, by staying at his house I knew that I wouldnt be able to get my exercise in yesterday. I also knew that I would likely be eating foods that I dont normally eat. I went back and forth on Saturday -should I stay there or shouldnt I? We were planning on going to a Blackhawks game yesterday, so it made sense to just stay at his house. But I couldnt help but also realize that doing so would jeopordize the healthy routines I have for myself.

Thats why its hard. I want both things, and both things make me happy. I cant really change the fact that there isnt really any way for me to exercise (not to mention time since it was get up and go right to the game), but we also went out to breakfast and its something that he wanted, and we do enjoy doing. I dont go out all out and use it as a chance to eat whatever I want, I still stick to w hat I know is healthy, however just not having my typical sunday morning healthy breakfast and working out for half hour, apparently causes quite a gain. It makes me not want to do this and this is why I dont usually stay over at his place. Its just difficult because I dont like to make this choice. I am happy with him, so therefore I want to be with him. But Im not happy losing my routine and gaining weight.

so what to do? I dont know. I guess get over the fact that this is probably just a temporary gain, but its disapointing since I was at my lowest weight on Friday and now Im back up here again. I just cannot wait until we can finally live together and then I wont even have to worry about how to reconcile our two worlds.

A New Low

2009-03-06T18:32:00.002-06:00

Today I actually weighed in at the lowest weight I have since starting this whole thing - 156.6. The last time I weighed 156 was in November, and that was at 156.8, so Im pretty excited! Part of me thinks this is just a wierd fluke, but whatever it is, its nice to see. I hope its here to stay!

I really really appreciate all of the kind comments I got on my last post. It wasnt easy to post those pics, and I think I thought about taking them down like every 5 min after I did. But they needed to stay. While I agree that perhaps my body weight is where it needs to be, I wanted to post those pics so people could see that this isnt just about my weight. My weight may be where my body wants it to be, but theres still work to be done. I know Ill never have a perfect body, if such a thing exists, but I would like to feel more comfortable with it.

I really wish that I had taken a focus on exercise when I began this. I was losing weight so well in the beginning just changing my eating habits, that at the time, I didnt really see why exercise was necessary. Now I see how wrong I was. If I had focused on it like I am now, then perhaps I would be more toned rather than trying to do this after I have lost the weight.

But Ill keep at it, because I think a lot of what some people said is true - it may take a while for my skin to respond. And mostly, because exercise is just plain good for you. I love exercising, and even if this is how my body will ever look, its still a million times better than when I weighed 226. Sometimes I forget exactly what it feels like to have all that weight on, how clothes used to feel, and while I never want to feel that way again, I also dont want to forget. If I forget, then I feel like I dont really appreciate this. I may be a perfectionist, but I do appreciate my body as it is and what I have done for it with all this hard work.